DEVASTED by Wife Leaving...

by confuzcious 84 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  morrisamb

  When I first started reading the responses, I was going "Say what?", but then I kept reading and found the voice of reason, age and wisdom (ie. Thank you LB!)

  I hope you don't take offense, but perhaps counselling would help you focus on your role in the disentigration of your marriage.

  The fact that a woman "lies down with her husband" after learning of his extramarital affairs should equate eternal forgiveness looks good on paper but doesn't mesh with reality.

  This ranks up there with my father telling my mother she couldn't divorce him because she knew of all his sins (he actually listed 3 or 4 sexual acts which did not involve my mother) and then had sex with him. Buloney! One copulation equals a clean slate? That's a very narcissitic view of the world and relationships. In fact my father had just became a born-again Christian (yeah, right) and was using Mother's Witness beliefs against her.

  The truth is my mother wasn't allowed to feel the pain of my father's betrayal. I don't think she did until way after the end of the marriage.

  My father is on his fifth marriage and he still blames all four ex-wives for their individual ends (although he does mix it up a bit...he blames the first wife for the end of 2-4!).

  You can't change the past but you can learn from it; acknowledge the role you played in it. You'd be surprised how many people will respect you for it.
• 

  Country Girl

  The two times you committed adultery may have just been too much for her. She may have tried to love you again, but found that the love was just not there. I'm sure she has anger and resentment, even if she did tried to resume the marital ties. However, if she abandoned you, I think that's a pretty clear message that says "Hello?! I don't love, or even like, you anymore!" Why would you want her to return home? I wouldn't want to force someone to come home who didn't love me. That would feel too creepy to me.

  Country Girl
• 

  LB

  So you want comfort do you? Good for you. Don't we all.

  Ummmm the amount of posts I have made shows that I don't have a grip on reality? Did you really want to say that? You sure that helps your point?

  Now what was your point again? You are rich. You do threesomes. You found Christ. Your wife has no basis to leave you? You are alone with your money? waah waah waah.

  Let's not forget how the society is at fault for all your troubles. They were cheerleaders for your wife leaving.

  So are many of us.

  Now about this reality thing. I'll only bring up one point. You seem to think that since your wife banged you that she has forgiven you. The bible says so. The elders say so. She has to have forgiven you. That isn't reality my friend. Not even close. My take is she wanted to forgive you. She wanted to make it work. But I think her living with a controlling piece of human waste was more than she could handle. Not even your money could keep her from recoiling at the very thought of you, let alone the sight.

  She didn't forgive you and she didn't have to. Since she hasn't taken you to the cleaners financially I am very impressed with her. Of course that only reinforces what I think of you myself. That it was worth any price to be rid of you.

  There ya go. I've handed out a little comfort with this post. Hope you wear it well.
• 

  Skeptic

  Confuzcious,

  But yes, I joined in a threesome with my wife and another girl.

  My wife also later went with the the other girls husband although I'm not 100 percent sure what they did.

  If your wife and you approved of the threesome then neither cheated on the other. Consenting adults should be allowed to do as they wish.

  When I made reference to your adultery, I take it that you did not have your wifes permission.

  The issue is not what was done in the bedroom, but the honesty and human dignity associated with it. If you and your wife agreed to sleeping with others, that is not immoral. But if you dont have her permission, it is wrong.

  That said, simply allowing each other to get sexual with someone else is an invitation for trouble. It may not be immoral, but it may not be wise either. Jealousy can rear its ugly head, or one of you could fall in love with someone else. Such experimentation is best approached very carefully, or not at all.

  So I let the whole thing pass, but when we got into a fight later on, I brought it up.

  So one thing led to another and she left me.

  Not a good idea. You implied that it was OK by your earlier actions. You have no reason to bring it up.

  This is all new still so I'll fill you in. She's not talking to me and won't return my calls. So yeah, I think my marriage is toast.

  I am truly sorry to hear that, as it sounds like you have changed or are in the process of changing.

  I lost my wife and that's one of the most devistating things that could happen to a man. Even worse, is to know that it was ultimately your fault.

  Yes, that would be devastating. As for me, my marriage ending was truly the best thing for all of us. My ex and two of my three sons thanked me for having the courage to end that disaster of a marriage.

  Don't think of this as an ending. Think of it as a new beginning. Now you are free to shape your life as you wish. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. Hang in there.

  Your best bet is to use it as a means of improving yourself so that if you choose to marry again, you will be a good husband and you and your new wife will be happy for the rest of your lives.

  Richard

  Edited by - Skeptic on 31 January 2003 12:49:18
• 

  wheelwithinwheel

  Confuz

  You really gotta stop pulling that trigger, you'll have no foot left. Erasing your original post and giving more detail isn't making you look any better. Just take the medicine like a man. Give your ex. a descent settlement. Keep in mind that, with the .7 million you made last year and the fact she had to put up with all your crap all those years, she certainly deserves a fair share of the pie. With all the attention and beautiful woman constantly surrounding you I cant see you having any problem getting on with your life. So stop complaining about losing control over your wife. Just dust off your sandals and move on.
• 

  LB

  2002 income for Confuz...... $7,000,000.00..........= miserable

  2002 income for LB.........................$0.00..........=happy

  go figure
• 

  Brummie

  You make a good point LB but do we really know how our lifestyle would be if we had that sort of income? and lived in that sort of glamorus environment?

  Perhaps after airing our disagreements we could now cut this guy some slack, whats the point in kicking a guy when he's down. Sometimes we have to lose everything we have gained in life before we can begin to grow again into a better person. There are consequences to all out actions and he has enough to regret.

  Seems to me he is on a learning curve, all the best to you confuz...most of us have been broken in life and despite the hurt we have grown into better people. This could prove to be a life saver for you, you never know until you come out the other side and can look back.

  Brummie
• 

  LB

  Hard to cut a blame shifter slack Brummie. Especially one that went back to change his messages so he could make himself look better and his wife look worse. But he got a couple of people to feel sorry for him. That's what he wanted.

  I do consider this board to be a support group. At a support group that I once moderated I felt that honest support was calling someone when they were really screwing up. If all we ever did was hug each other and make it a love fest then I felt we weren't doing our job. I have done similar things here to a user named gil when I honestly felt he was hurting himself by his own actions. I like Gil a lot but I felt that I needed to point out some mistakes he was making.

  This guy is a classic though. I'm not going to spend time attacking him for no good reason. But should he come back and post more of this stuff then I'll call him on it.

  I do not wish confuz harm in the least. I would love to see him open his eyes and recognize that his problems are less related to the JW's and more to his own behavior. When he does that I bet he can begin to enjoy his money.
• 

  wednesday

  My reaction to your posts is: it seems u and your wife have chosen what some people would consider an immoral lifestyle. U admit adultry, ok, u are human. And she forgave u. I personally believe, that if a person extends forgivness, then it should not be used as a trump card for the rest of your life. Either forgive or get out of the marriage. Of course, the jws do have a way of implying jehovah really wants u to forgive, so i'm sure that affected your wifes decision. plus i'm thinking the fact that u have a lot of money may have influnced her too. Maybe she did not want to give up her lifestyle and was willing to put up with it. But the biggest thing that i noticed about your posts, was your wife is also immoral, by many peoples standards. threesomes, and allowing herself to be fondled in front of u, well i'd say this marrige is a joke. What kind of JWs does these things? This is an unusual lifestyle by anyones standards. How could either of u have true love for each other and watch someone else have sex with your partener? That is the tie that binds. Did she start doing this at your suggestion? Or is she inclined this way too?

  Whatever, as long as u too continue this behavior, u do not have marriage. I think both of u have engaged in behavior that has destroyed this marriage.

  yes, i know u mentioned u have an LA lifestyle and money, and i do understand that a man or woman that has money is faced with many temptations. Looks like both u and your wife gave into them.

  I think u may be sincere when u say u want your wife back. But u two can't have it both ways. U both need to honor your marriage vows. Perhaps some therapy could help. It would be worth it , if your wife still has feelings for u. b/c if u go into another relationship , and continue this u will have the same outcome. Threesomes may be a great fantasy, but no self respecting woman/man .who places any value on their marriage, would do this this.
• 

  confuzcious

  Hey Guys,

  I promised myself not to go peek back at this thread, but I did anyway.

  I want to thank Brummie. Here's a guy that called me on things I was doing wrong. Some he got right on the money - unfortunately for me - the truth hurts.

  With other things, he just misunderstood and he was MAN enough to say, "Huh, maybe I didn't understand."

  Yes, I erased my origional post. After a while, it's hard to listen to this stuff when you're wife just left you.

  Who of us, really want to hear you r"eap what you sow", when your wife just left you. That's like someone on their sick bed dying of AIDS and US saying, "Well, what did you expect when you did this this and that." Guys there is still a real human being here. Lets help people learn and live.

  The last few weeks have been pretty good. I'm moving on with my life and although my former mistress was the first one to offer to take me in, I found a new girlfriend whom understands me and had her husband abandon her too.

  I'm moving on and I'm happy again.

  But I do stand on my last post to LB. LB, you are a bonehead. BONE - HEAD.

  I made mistakes and I repented of them.

  I will give my wife a fair settlement, but just the fact that I can determine that myself is proof that it's I'm not fully to blame.

  LB, the one thing I learned by the responses is that I'm responsible for my actions.

  However, to say that I'm blame shifting - NO.

  I've been clean other than the threesome for the past year or so. Loyal to my wife.

  She is the one that decided to up and leave me.

  I accept the mistakes I made. She had the choice to leave before.

  So before you stick your 2 cents into something, think LB. Stick to the "WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR..." threads, OK?

  Guys, this post from me was never about entertainment or triviality. This was about life.

  My wife left me and it hurt tremendously.

  Sure had different ways of looking at it. I adjusted my thinking in some cases and got a POUNDING in others.

  But I tell you. You guys have to keep in mind that there is a real person behind these posts.

  I mean which one of you would really tell a person sitting next you "Boo Hoo. I feel SOOOO SORRY for you."

  I mean, feelings don't just disappear when we type something on these pages.

  If I was counseling myself, I might say something like, "It's OK, I know it's rough. Your marriage may be doomed, but imagine what a husband you will be to your next wife if you learn your lesson."

  That would be a nice post and a lot of people here said words to that effect.

  But that's why I erased the origional post. It was enough already. Saying that I'm a jerk of a man is just salt on the wound.

  But I want to say to you guys, that I did learn my lesson.

  In the future, I know I can be a better husband and I AM very happy now.

  I was actually surprised how fast I bounced back from all of this, but I'm in a new relationship now and I'm ready to move on.

  Thanks everybody and especially thanks to Brummie.

  And truly guys, including LB - the lazy one. Guys, I used to judge this person and that. But I tell you, there is no secret. Money and power doesn't come without a price.

  Probably most people in LA that have money, power and prestige are not truly happy.

  Most of us know it. But please don't judge people living in a different world. It's not a better world, just different.

  Thanks again and I'm not going to get into a "pissing" fight with LB, so I may or may not check back again.

  But I want to tell Brummie thanks. Also Lisa.

  Brum and Lisa, it's been tough. But thanks, because your posts have meant more to me than you'll ever know.

  Thanks