by confuzcious 84 Replies latest jw friends
I am so sorry you are going through this. (((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))
Were I you, I would consult an attorney and see if you have grounds to sue the LOCAL body of elders over causing a rift in your marriage.
You might be surprised.
Sue the local body, because there is NO insurance protection for them provided by the WBTS.
Lisa
Confuzcious, at this point you're probably finding out that unconditional love is a rare thing. Even if the witnesses and others preach it, it's pretty hard to find it in the world. Of course, in our everyday dealing with people, nobody will feel they owe it to you, not to mention the fact that it can't really happen through a personal psychology that thinks in terms of who owes who what anyways.
Loving God does not mean people should be doing things a certain way or that things should be such and such a way. There are very few people out there who will just unconditionally accept you as you are all the time anyways, just as you want others to be a certain way yourself. Most people just can't accept life as it is, but invest so much emotional energy in resisting it or in just contemplating how unsatisfactory it is.
Love just means accepting everything and everyone, it's not a feel good thing to bolster people's egos as most people seem to think it is. Remember the bible says "if you love those loving you, what reward do you have?" Now from the individual perspective someone may very well be like "well I'm not expecting this guy to love me back anyways so screw him!!" But if you actually are loving rather than thinking of love as some commodity that gets exchanged between people, then it's real, and not just from a thought - even if that thought is "I love God and neighbor."
A broken heart is a great opportunity to open to this, but make no mistake - it isn't about feeling good. It's not about feeling bad either, but just accepting the truth. Truth and love go together, one without the other will just leave you empty.
Wow......this thread totally blows me away! At the risk of sounding contrite Confuzius I was the wife in a marriage just like yours. I was the one cheated on time and again and forgave again and again, just being a good dubaya and trying to keep my family in tact, and in the truth.
I can't describe the pain in the pit of my stomach when I read your post, how I wish I wouldn't have believed his crap and promises, and the advise of the elders to stay with him and I wish I would have left the first time, kids and all. I regret having sacrificed my dignity by staying for yet more of the same and recieving no help from the congergation actually being treated like I was a lepor or something in the congergation, when I needed help. In hindsight I sought help but it was outside the B'org and it was the best kind of help I needed!
Leaving him and the B'org was the best thing I ever did, but I had to get to a place where I was strong emotionally before I could finally leave him and a religion that doesn't practice what it preaches.
It sounds like you are beginning to make progress in discovering yourself, sometimes the hardest part is finding that WE are flawed, WE are the problem, but YOU can change. I urge you to persue change and find inner peace. Become an honorable person do the work involved to get there. It starts with admitting (and you've done some of it here) to yourself and others your wrongs, then correcting yourself (learning new ways to deal with problems ie; not running to a mistress) face the hard facts and moving on.
BTW I ditto everything Hummmm said!
Katie
Edited by - bikerchic on 30 January 2003 12:8:10
"...and I committed immorality with two different ladies."
I feel terrible about what you are going through. However, it seems that you made choices that have not helped for a stable family life.
All you have now is the present, so make the effort to make the future better.
I would consult an attorney and see if you have grounds to sue the LOCAL body of elders over causing a rift in your marriage
LDH I really dont believe the elders caused this rift, do you? There had been a breakdown in this marriage way before the current split. Its not good advice to encourage him to blame the elders. He would be waisting his time and energy trying to sue the local elders with a past such as his, his wife put up with enough already. She has moved on and the best this for him to do would be to get help and move on too.
We can empathise with and encourage him, I hope he gets through this pain. But also spare a little empathy for his wife, who sounds very reasonable to me, she put up with a lot too except she cant blame the elders for his past.
Brummie
Burmmie: I agree 100%
Yeah Brummie!
We can empathise with and encourage him, I hope he gets through this pain. But also spare a little empathy for his wife, who sounds very reasonable to me, she put up with a lot too except she cant blame the elders for his past.
Yes, empathise and encourage him to get some much needed help, but he has to do the work and part of making amends to the people he's hurt is to make the necessary changes in his life and big bold changes so that no one can question that he's making changes....that will go a long way to easing his pain.
You are right Brummie, she can't blame the elders for his past! Believe me to do so holds you back from moving on with your life, been there done that.
Katie (of the get/got a life class)
Confuzcious,
I agree with Hmmm, LB, Mary and others.
I consider adultery to be very stupid. In my limited experience in life, when a person commits adultery, their marriage is already irreparably damaged. I have seen such marriages survive where the spouses share the same home and bedroom, but I have never seen such a marriage thrive. In any I have seen, the marriage mates were more like roommates. The bond has been broken. If there were an exception, I would love to know about it.
And dont give me the excuses; if anyone had reason to commit adultery, I did. And I remained completely faithful. If I can do it, anyone can.
Chances are, your wife either tried to forgive you for screwing around on her, or the elders convinced her to stay with you. Your fighting WT beliefs was her out; no one in the congregation will question her about leaving you now, especially with your marital history.
Confuzcious, you dont realize it, but you are being a hypocrite. You dont live by scriptural requirements for years, and then you expect your wife to?
Confuzcious, it is real simple. If you met her needs, she would still be with you. You were far from a prize as a husband, and you are reaping what you have sown.
The best thing you can do is list, to yourself, the things you did that were wrong. And change. Become the kind of man that you want to be, became the kind of man any woman would want as a husband. It will take time to change, but you need that time to heal. Plus, you need time to figure out what kind of a lady you want as a wife. Obviously you were not truly happy with your wife; if you were you would not have fooled around on her.
And dont judge your ex or any future wife by the rules of some old book. Love her for who she is, or find someone else to love. And be a man worthy of the kind of love and respect that you want from her. If you have to depend on her following rules from the Bible, then you are not the man for her, or she is not the woman for you. If you are good for each other, you will tend to meet each others needs without one of you having to point out the other's flaws from a "rule book".
Richard
Bikerchic and Hmmmmmm said it all perfectly.
Perry made some great points too.
Your wife forgave you 2 times and in her mind staying together would give you both Jehovahs approval, and he you two would wait until armeggedon to get here and all would be alot better, all the pain she felt , you felt would be gone.
Now you don't want to be a witness and she may see her life will never be the same. If I were in her shoes , the first thing I would think or worry about , would be that you would cheat again, with some worldly chic...... and then you wouldnt tell me about it.
The JW thing is what holds those troubled marriages together, trying to be forgiving doing the right thing, when maybe the marriage is beyond repair and has been for along time.
You will have to prove to your wife how much you want to be a better husband and explain to her you don't need the WT to be a good man, you can be better without it, because you will find your true self and happiness. But she is going to doubt you and all of your motives right now. When my hubby first told me about the apostate stuff he was learning , I didnt know if we would make it, in our marriage, because we had always been JW's what eles was there to do, but for him to leave me if I stayed and he left JW, I thought he wouldnt love me anymore, he would be bored with me or somethig. I cried, I told him I thought he was bringing demons in our house,,,,,,,,lol, the whole 9 yards. But then one day I listened. And we both left the JW at the same time.
Our marriage is so much better, we go out do things together, we are more open with each other, the depression and misery is not there the things the WT burdens I mean.
We survived leaving the WT because we did it together I think.
There are some who's marriages don't work , if one of the spouses refuse to leave JW, soon the trouble really will begin and the elders will always stick their noses in.
Brummie and some of the others make some good points i hadn't thought of.
SS
