by BugEye 139 Replies latest social humour
Top ten things that sound dirty in law but aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to
be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment
and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial
from running its proper course. But the public defender liked
her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was
appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a
simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against
her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised
to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could
be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
The Verdict
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute,
the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors,
somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up
the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this
case as to whether anyone was killed, and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But
how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "We looked, all right. But your client didn't."
A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up trash in the yard. After a
while the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said,
"you know, your butt is as big as that Bar B Que grill." She didn't
say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed
and she turned her back to him and he ask her what was wrong didn't she want to have sex with him?
And she said "Why should I fire up this big old Bar B Que grill for just one little weenie like that!!"
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little
Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she
calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if
anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And
the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny
stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
Can you guess what I am?
I am about six inches long. I have a bush at one end, and when rubbed hard I produce a white frothy substance. I move back and forth and in and out.
Answer: I'm a toothbrush
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
