Just a few more (page 8)

BugEye

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. My owners also do not wish to refinance their home, they don't need yet another credit card, and they don't need a home equity loan, either. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

BugEye

(Computer generated voices:)
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: And message. Damn.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

BugEye

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

BugEye

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

BugEye

Hi, you have reached 123-4567. If you are a close personal friend, please press the star key now. If you are a telemarketer, please hit yourself repeatedly in the forehead with a ball-peen hammer. Thank you. Have a nice day.

BugEye

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

BugEye

(Bill Clinton voice:) Hi, you've reached the secret White House phone line. That damned Windows 95 erased the budget again, so neither Al or I can come to the phone right now. But leave a message with what agency you work for, or if you're a contributor, how much money you plan on giving me. Depending on how important I think you are, I might just give you a call back. Bye.

BugEye

(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

BugEye

How to impress a woman:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
buy flowers for her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...

How to impress a man:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

Just a few more

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