Stinky
There is no forgetting. Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat its mistakes.
There are evils done that are so hideous that forgiveness becomes irrelevent. I think what your cousin did is just such an example.
You started this thread off talking about feeding off your anger. You realize what that anger is about. But I will say this, that such an enormous rage, however valid and justified, will only hurt you, physically, mentally and emotionally. I see you as a woman who has a tremendous anger that you use to shield yourself from further hurt, but also to hide fear and shame. I think sometimes the anger frightens you, but I also think the fear is about something else as well.
You're an intelligent woman, and you know you must get rid of these negative emotions. You've got a load of shit dumped on you and unfortunately it's your job to clean it up and put it back on the people who dumped it on you. You do that in therapy. I think you are much more intelligent than I am, so I don't see you spending nearly as much time as I did. In therapy, what happened isn't nearly as important as how you feel about it. It's a slow and painful process but gradually you begin to feel the weight lifting. You discover that even though you're the same person, you're different. And the horrors that visited you, don't look different, but how you feel about them is different. Not a lot, but just enough to make a difference.
I haven't forgiven my father. I doubt I ever will. But I did forgive myself. I made peace with myself and my past. I had a dream once where I was standing on a hill surrounded by flames that reached to the sky and there was fire as far as I could see. I understood that was my rage. I'm still angry, but I don't rage. It doesn't consume me. Does that make sense?
But to answer your thread question, there is no such thing as forgiving and forgetting, at least not at the level we're talking about. What there is, is survival and peace.
Chris
