My heart has been broken in two -JW- HE IS MARRIED!!!

by Karissa 76 Replies latest social relationships

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  Karissa

  My boyfriend and I (or I should say ex-boyfriend.) have been dating for about 5 1/2 months. This is not a long time I know but within this time we had both fell deeply in love with each other, it was very fast and very strong, heartfelt and beautiful. We did everything together, from weekend outings with my 2 children to grocery shopping or just hanging out for days at home being together and loving it. We were happy, very happy. He practically lived with me and stayed overnight at least 5 nights a week. There were 2 times that he left for Florida on business (so he said.) Once in December and once in February. Other than that he was with me with the exception of maybe two weekends. We had a few problems from time to time. One of them was me not being allowed to meet his friends or family because he was worried they would not approve being I am not a JW. This hurt me but he assured me that in time things would be different. The second problem was that he was jeoulous. He erased numbers from my cell phone, got extremely upset when he would see pictures of me and a ex-boyfriend, and would not put up with me going out where other men would be. I agreed to all this because I was in love and wanted to make him happy and this seemed to do it.. I gave up my friends and even some family members because he loved just being alone and being together as I did. We always spoke of how "this is it" he and I had found true love, we spoke of the future, marriage and how we would be lost without one another. He always told me that his biggest fear would be that I would meet someone better and leave him. I assured him that I would never do this because I truly was in love with him and wanted us forever. I really really did.

  The last month of our relationship he started speaking of moving and how I could get my ex-husband to approve taking the kids out of state to move with him since financially he could not afford to stay in California. This was not possible since my children go to their dads every other weekend and it wouldn't be fair to the kids to take them away from the dad. Three weeks ago he told me he got a job offer in Texas and an old friend of his was willing to fly him out for the interview and that he could stay there for awhile until he decided what he wanted to do. I was of course very upset about him even going to check it out but trusted that our love was strong enough and that he would return home soon. The whole time he was in Texas (I thought.) we would speak and write through e-mail. He would tell me he wasn't sure what he wanted to do but he did know one thing, that he didn't want to lose me, he wanted to stay together and that he loved me very much. I, at that time just wanted him to come home and I started getting worried.

  About 2 weeks ago when we spoke one morning he had said that he wasn't sure if he would make it home for the weekend and he asked me to be patcient. I was feeling suspicious. Something didn't sound right. As soon as we said our I love you's and hung up the phone I called his mother saying I was from his bank and needed to contact him. (I know this was wrong to lie, I didn't feel good about it but am sure glad I did it now.) She said: "He is out of State right now" and gave me the number to where I could reach him. She also gave me information on how he drove out of state with his truck and boat. (He didn't fly after all?) I looked up the phone number on my PC and found that the number was not Texas, it was a Florida number. The number was listed under his ex-wifes name. My heart hit the floor and I immediatly called and he answered the phone. He sounded so scared and shocked to hear my voice on his so called ex-wifes phone. (I wish I could have seen his face.) he told me that he was just in the area visiting his brother and that he stopped by to say hello to his ex-wife and that he would sleep in the extra room, he swore he didn't love her, he told me he loved me and that he didn't want to tell me that he would stop by there in fear I would get upset. He assured me that nothing was going on with her at all although she wanted to get back together but he didn't want to because he loved me. All I could say was COME HOME- he said he would if I promised to trust him again and love him. He said he would make it up to me, never lie again and stay by my side and never ever do anything like this again. The next day he said if he comes home he would lose everything- his boat, 401K and everything else he had worked so hard for. Later that day he called and said that he decided that he is not coming home. I was and still am so hurt and confused. Why would he keep me holding on to the very end. Up until I caught him in these lies he was telling me he didn't want us to end, that he loved me and didn't want to split up. If I wouldn't have caught him in these lies I would still probobly be told that he's in Texas and that he loves me, wants me to wait and to be patcient.

  I called the congregation that he and his ex-wife went to in California when she lived here with him. I ended up speaking to a woman that knew both of them very well. She had informed me that he has not been divorced and was still in a loving relationship with his wife. I was told that he was here finishing up his job and she was in Florida taking care of a sick relative. Thatthey never split up or divorced.

  He told me form the beggining that he was divorced from her for 1 1/2 years and that she was still a friend of his and his family. I had no idea whatsoever that he was married ---. He told me why he divorced her, sexual problems among other things and that they just weren't meant to be together. It was all lies. I was shocked to find out how untrue he was to me about her and their marriage..

  In recent e-mails from him, he still tells me he loves me, did indeed want a future and is still telling me that he is not married. Since I caught him in all these lies he had to tell her about me in fear that I would contact her myself. He called me and told me that he told her everything and that he has to go in front of the elders to tell them everything as well. But his everything is not the same as what really happened between he and I. He is lying to everyone to save himself from divorce and most importanty losing all he has.

  I am not sure what to do at this point. I have tons of his clothes here which I will ship to him- What I am debating on now though is all the love letters, cards, and all the pictures of us together, do I send them to her? I know he is not telling her or the elders the whole truth. Should I send the proof or should I let this go?

  He has spoken to me alot about wanting me to find the truth. We have read the bible together and he had gotten my interest up in the JW faith. While he was in Texas (I thought.) I decided to study a bit with a JW neighbor- Wanting to learn more and wanting to surprise him with what I have learned when he returned.

  He seemed so pure and convincing with his love for me, he cried many times about how much he loved me, he would tell me that he never ever had a love like ours and never wanted to blow what we had together. I feel betrayed, lied on and basically foolish for giving him my heart. I gave him all of me and he took it. He took it so far, all the way home to his wife he took my love and kept me hanging on with his I Love you's and telling me he didn't want us to end.

  I am so sorry for the long, long letter here. I need to feel human again and really don't know where to turn.

  Any words to help me get through this heartache would be greatly appreciated, I feel as though I am dying inside. I'm having trouble sleeping and eating. He was so involved in my life that everywhere is a reminder. My daughter just today was telling me in the car that she misses him so much. It breaks my heart.

  Please tell me that all JW's are not like this.- I don't know who to trust anymore. The worse part about this is that I know he loves me- I know he does, it's as though he has to play a part because he has to. He has no choice but to live these lies. He fears losing his family and all the material things that mean so much to him.

  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  Thanks
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  lisaBObeesa

  Welcome to the board. Sorry to hear what this awful man has done to you.

  I am sorry, but the JW religion is just like this man: Full of lies.

  Read more on this board.

  -LisaBobeesa
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  SixofNine

  He always told me that his biggest fear would be that I would meet someone better and leave him.

  Fortunately for you, while "leaving him" might be impossible for you at this point, "meeting someone better" won't be difficult at all.
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  CountryGuy

  Karrisa,

  I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Betrayal by the one you love is a deep, deep wound.

  My advice to you would be to get rid of his stuff. Take an appropriate amount of time to get over the relationship. Then move on and don't look back. Your guy is married. He has indicated that he's not going to leave anytime soon because he'd lose too much. The only way that he could get a scriptural divorce (the only kind the JWs approve of) would be if he wife were unfaithful to him. (I guess technically he could get one for being unfaithful to his wife, but that would also involve disfellowshipping. Which, I'm sure is another reason he won't leave her.)

  Again, I hate that you're going through this pain.

  I wish you peace.
  CountryGuy
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  Lady Lee

  I am so sorry to hear what this man has put you through. Sadly many JWs live this sort of lie or a double life.

  You said

  He has no choice but to live these lies. He fears losing his family and all the material things that mean so much to him.

  Actually as painful as it is for you he has made a choice - tha family and the religion and the material things. And he has chosen all of that over his "love" for you.

  As much as he professes to love you there are some really sick things about him. The lies for one but you mention the jealousy and controlling behaviors. This is not love. It is toxic and is emotionally abusive.

  He has decieved his wife, his religion and his family. And it seems he is pretty good at it too. What basis is there for trust when there is so much deceit? While I don't doubt your feelings of love for him at all I seriously have to doubt his professions of love.

  And if he did leave her and come to you what could you expect in your future?

  Well as the one who broke up the JW marriage you will always be viewed with suspicion by him (as he has already shown) and by his family and most other JWs. Even if you became a JW there will always be the suspicions and the talking/gossip. The JWs are a very closed community and your relationship is considered a sin. If he cheated on the first wife how could you ever trust he wouldn't cheat on you?

  And his controlling behaviors and jealousy would only get worse. Men like this don't change. No amount of love will stop him from wanting to control you and who you see and talk to even including your family. Real love wants you to have friends and be connected with those who love you - all of them not just him.Isolating you from other people is another control tactic that many abusers use to maintain control over their victims.

  I am so glad you caught him in the lies. Please do some serious research on abuse and spousal abuse/abusive relationships. There are many checklists to see whether he fits the criteria. So far from what you have posted it sounds like he is well on his way to being an abusive partner.

  Do your research and take care of yourself.

  You deserve it
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  Lady Lee

  Are You Abused or At Risk for Abuse?

  Dawn Bradley Berry

  According to the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project of Duluth, Minnesota, certain behaviors of abusive men have been identified as characteristic of the early stages of abuse that often precedes physical battering. These personality traits are combined with information on the predictors of domestic violence, as identified by the National Technical Assistance Center on Family Violence and published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Women who recognize several of these traits in their partners should take a careful look at the relationship and carefully consider getting out before it becomes violent.

  1. Your partner has a history of growing up in a violent family, a setting where he learned that violence is normal behavior.

  2. He has a tendency to use force or violence to try to solve problems- as indicated by behavior such as a criminal record for violence, a quick temper or tendency to overreact to minor frustrations, fighting, destructive behavior when angry, cruelty to animals.

  3. He abuses alcohol or drugs.

  4. He has a poor opinion of himself, often masked by trying to act tough.

  5. He often exhibits jealousy, not only of other men, but also of friends and family members.

  6. He exhibits hyper-masculine behavior-he feels he should make all the decisions, tell you what your role as a woman and his as a man must be. He has very traditional ideas about appropriate roles and behaviors of men and women, and thinks women are second-class citizens. He expects you to follow his orders and advice and may becomes angry if you can?t read his mind and anticipate what he wants.

  7. He emotional abuses you or other women with name-calling, put-downs, humiliation, and attempts to create guilt.

  8. He isolates you by telling you who you may see or talk to, controls what you do and where you go, even what you read. He keeps tabs on your every move, and wants you with him all the time.

  9. He intimidates you and makes you afraid through, looks, anger, actions, a display of weapons or gestures. He destroys your property or a6uses your pets. He-enjoys playing with lethal weapons, and threatens to use them against those he feels wronged him. You do what he wants you to do, and constantly work to keep him from getting angry.

  10. He portrays ?Jekyll and Hyde? behavior. He goes through highs and lows, as though he is two different people, and he swings from extremely kind to extremely cruel.

  11. He uses coercion and threats. He tells you he will hurt you, leave you, or kill himself if you leave. If you file charges against him he makes you drop them by threatening violence or suicide. Have you changed your life so you won't make him angry?

  12. He treats you roughly, and physically forces you to do things you do not want to do.

  13. He often denies his actions minimizing or making light of his own abusive behavior, refusing to take your concerns seriously, and blaming you for his behavior.

  14. He economically abuses you by preventing you from getting or keeping a job, controlling all the money in the household, making you .ask for money, or concealing his income.

  Women in relationships where these behaviors regularly take place are already abused, even if the physical violence has not started. These signs should be taken very seriously.

  Sometimes people are occasionally nasty, but generally treat their partners well, so it is not so clear as to whether the behavior is abusive or merely the less pleasant side of normal human nature. Often the way a victim feels or acts can be a clue that occasional moodiness has crossed the line into abuse. Ask yourself if you have begun to doubt yourself-do you wonder if you are crazy? Do you look at yourself and what you do in a different way? For example, if you once considered yourself a good cook, a talented singer, a competent worker, has this changed? Do you doubt your own judgment? Are you afraid of your partner? Have you stopped expressing your opinion? Do you hesitate to make decisions before asking your partner?s permission? Have you stopped seeing friends, taking classes, going out when you choose? Do you spend a lot of time watching your partner?s moods? One of the simplest things a women can do to begin the process of change is to begin to say different things to herself. Reassure yourself that you do not deserve abuse, that you do not have to tolerate mistreatment. Remind yourself of your positive traits, your accomplishments, all the things you can do and have done.

  We all have human imperfections. Sometimes we can benefit by working, either on our own or with the help of others, to make changes in ourselves that will improve our lives. Everyone has room to grow. But nothing gives one human being the right to use violence against another except in self-defense to stop violence. Even if you have behaved in a way toward your partner that you or he does not consider right-such as yelling, nagging, engaging in infidelity, or criticizing ?that does not give him the right to hurt you. It may give him the right to get angry, to tell you to stop. To argue, or to leave you. It does not, ever, justify violence. You may have provoked his anger, but you did not provoke his violence. That was his choice, and his problem. Healthy men-the vast majority-so not hit women who make them angry. They have other ways of managing and expressing their anger. If he abuses you, it is not your fault. You did not cause the abuse. There is no shame in seeking assistance. And most of all, programs protect your privacy. The Women's Community Association of Albuquerque characterizes respect and confidentiality as mainstays of their programs.

  Battery is against the law. You are not responsible for your partner's violent behavior, even though he probably tries to blame you. No one deserves abuse. You have the right to insist that you live in a peaceful home, and your children grow up in a home free from violence. Nothing justifies abuse, and if your partner is truly sorry, he needs to get help to learn alternatives to abusive behavior. As Ginny NiCarthy writes in Getting Free: A Handbook for Women in Abusive Relationships, you have certain fundamental rights: "The right to speak your mind. The right to privacy, choices, some free time, some money of your own, friends, work, bodily integrity, freedom from fear, treatment with respect and dignity."

  Reference

  Berry, Dawn Bradley, 1995. Domestic Violence Sourcebook, p.196-202. Lowell House, Los Angeles, CA.
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  Dan-O

  I'd box up his clothes & ship them to him by the least expensive means. I would also drop the love letters & photos in a FedEx packet addressed to his wife. But then, some people think I'm a vindictive SOB, so you may wish to disregard what I've said.

  Sorry you've had to go thru all of that.
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  Satanus

  Maybe you could make photocopies of all the letters, sending some copies to his wife, some to elders, keep some.

  SS
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  ohiocowboy

  Good idea Dan-o, BUT, another option would be to send the love letters addressed to the Elders in his Congregation and mailed to his Kingdom Hall, That way any amount of lies he has told or will tell could not get him out of the situation! But, then again, maybe this would also be Vindictive, and you may wish to ignore this too....

  Lady Lee is an excellent therapist, and would recommend taking to heart what she has already written to you, she has helped a lot of people!!!

  Good luck, and remember someone will come along who will be truly honest with you, just be patient.
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  Maverick

  Welcome to the board!

  As for Brother Dirt Bag, he is probably a very good JW because he has no problem being two faced and living a lie!

  Drop his clothes in the Pacific and mail his wife the incriminating documents and forget the turd!

  Be glad you found this all out now and not after he got you to move for him! Maverick