by Karissa 76 Replies latest social relationships
You might also want to look at the following
The Abuser http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Abuser.htm
Emotional and Psychological abuse Continuum http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Abuse.htm
an excellent checklist http://www.web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Abuse/test.shtml
Hi, and welcome!
You must be in shock. This guy is a real piece of work. People like this are very good liars, and please, do not feel foolish! It's not your fault, it's HIS.
Let's see, he is a cheater, a liar, a hypocrite, possessive and jealous. Oh yes, and cares only for his self-interest.
Throw his stuff in the garbage. As far as sending the love letters, well I would do it, but not for vindictive reasons. His wife deserves to know the TRUTH. Send her a copy of them, with a note if you wish, letting her know that you can't stand to see another woman deceived in this way. You could be saving her a lot of grief.
There are lots of nice guys out there, don't let this experience make you bitter.
Oh yes, and JWs are the same as everyone else. There's the good, the bad, and the VERY ugly.
talesin
P.S. In addition to what all the others have said...
1) Move to a new house.
2) Change your phone number - unlisted if possible.
This guy may be someone who would want to 'drop by' if he goes back to where you live - or he may become a late night 'breather' on the phone.
I also agree with the advice to throw out any of his belongings that he wants sent back. Take them to the nearest Goodwill Dropbox.
Oh! And MOST importantly... STOP that 'home bible study' with that JW neighbor!!!
*grin*
Regards,
Jim TX
I'm really sorry to hear that you've gone through this ordeal and had your heart broken.
Men like this don't change; they are manipulative, controlling, abusive liars and cheaters. You're far better off without him. He's probably going to tell his wife that you're crazy or stalking him and that he never did anything with you. He'll tell his congregation elders the same thing.
I liked Jim_TX's advice, but I'd modify it slightly. I'd put each item of his (I hope you have some of his underwear with your lipstick stains on them ) in a clear Zip-loc bag so they are easily viewable by whomever opens the parcel you are preparing. Then write on each one his name, and write a note to the effect that Mr. So-and-So, a member of JWs, spent a lot of time over the past 6 months at your apartment and left these articles. Say that you wish to have these returned to him discreetly, and that you trust the ministers in his congregation will return them to him confidentially, so that his wife will not learn about his affair with you, which has now ended. Then box it all up and wrap it.
Then use your excellent detective skills to locate a Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses in the same area where he lives. You might want to invest in a couple of phone calls to find out the proper mailing address for the Kingdom Hall, as some do not have mailboxes, and require that mail and parcels be sent to the home of an elder or a PO box rented by the congregation. DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE PARCEL. Address the parcel to BODY OF ELDERS, Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses at the address that you get from your search.
Believe me, the Elders will really "take care of him" for you.
Love, Scully
What I am debating on now though is all the love letters, cards, and all the pictures of us together, do I send them to her? I know he is not telling her or the elders the whole truth. Should I send the proof or should I let this go?
I would send a copy of these letters, photos and cards to his wife and to the elders at his congregation. Call the Kingdom Hall and ask who the Presiding Overseer is and address them to him.
Welcome to the board,
Devon
What I am debating on now though is all the love letters, cards, and all the pictures of us together, do I send them to her? I know he is not telling her or the elders the whole truth. Should I send the proof or should I let this go?
You need to think about how doing this would make YOU feel. I don't think either way it would be right or wrong and to be honest I don't know what I would do. But for sure with the feelings you have for him, being in love and no being betrayed, thinking clearly is about impossible.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Scully said:
I'd put each item of his (I hope you have some of his underwear with your lipstick stains on them ) in a clear Zip-loc bag
Yet another use for Zip Loc bags
Karrisa, First thing you need to understand is that this board is made up mostly of former Jehovah's Witnesses. You will find that in general we will not defend the Watchtower. But we do have an insight into the JW's and you will find some here who left the JWs because of this type of hypocrisy. The Watchtower Society puts such impossible demands on it's people with a high price to pay for failing to live up to them that many JW's live a life of duplicity. But only a few would carry this double life as far as your friend, and his hurting you and your young family is inexcusable. You said:
The worse part about this is that I know he loves me- I know he does, it's as though he has to play a part because he has to. He has no choice but to live these lies. He fears losing his family and all the material things that mean so much to him.
Considering what I said above you are probably right. He faces a lot of pain if he tries to leave. Seems he chose to mess with your feelings and hurt you instead. I am truly sorry you had to experience this. I think you deserve better than him to begin with. The person you loved was only one of the roles he played. Meanwhile I hope you make some contacts here that will help you through this. Take care. Jst2laws
Karissa ---
I am sorry for the pain you (and your children) have experienced. I will pray for you today.
Lady Lee --- you had some great articles and advice for Karissa! Is there anything you would recommend she do to help her children get over this? I noticed that she said her daughter really missed the guy. This kind of betrayal has to hurt them, too.
This is quite an emotional roller coaster ride that you are still on. I don't believe this is a very happy way to live your life.
The bottom line is, this man has lied to you, so how can you trust anything he tells you? Don't ship his clothes anywhere, unless he sends you the money to do so. If he doesn't and you still want to rid yourself of his stuff, you can always send his belonging in care of his congregation--with all the love letters as well. You don't have to "say" anything, except "to whom" these items belong to, and let the elders handle it. Let the chips fall where they may. Exit clean and clear and don't look back.
I have personally been on the other end of a deal like this, where I was the faithful and loving wife with "no clue" what a cheat and liar my husband was. I was co-dependant upon him because I didn't have enough self esteem to break free. At least he wasn't a hypocritical JW. I stayed with him fourteen years because I kept turning the other cheek, hoping he would change. He never did. But I did. I changed myself and I took my son and left.
You don't need this and neither do your children. Shut that door and never look back! You deserve so much better. Just like his religion, he is a part of a fairy tale life that you've been drawn into. Time to wake up and see things the way they REALLY ARE.
/<
(((((((((((((((((((((Welcome to the Forum, Karissa))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Don't be too upset. Life should go on. Luckily, he didn't take anything from you except a half of your heart.. Some in the same circumstance lost properties, or even worst: has... a baby with him. You still be lucky. Somebody had to lose a lot of money or valuable thing to know a truth (I lost 30 years to know WTS doesn't hold "the Truth "). You nearly lost a half of your heart but have 5 1/2 mos. fun. You still be in advantage.....
jwsons
