I need your help

by Veritas 68 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Country Girl

  Veritas:

  It sounds as if you have your mind made up already, as it should be. However, you asked for advice and you got some really great advice from the people here in the forum.

  You said above that if she ever expects more from you as a spiritual head, then you will cross that bridge when you come to it. How can you be her spiritual head (you will not be in the presence of others, but she may eventually come to decide that she really *does* need you to take more of a lead in the home) when you don't believe in God? You can't fake it, she'll know. That is a distinct possibility. Why be in the middle of a marriage having to decide about this particular bridge? You should always work out in your head *before* you are married the many things that can happen, especially if you have some control over them at this point. When you are married, and a Witness, you are already in way too deep. Right now, at least, you can assay all of your options and have an out.

  I think you are logically aware how *difficult* marriage is for people that are extremely compatible, much less those that have such extreme differences. The JW lifestyle is just *that* .. it's a LIFESTYLE. It doesn't involve just going to church on Sundays for two hours. It involves *every* aspect of your life, down to the food you eat. Witnesses can't eat blood puddings. It involves every medical choice you make, every hour of every day you will be living a lifestyle that is not congruent with your true beliefs, and you eventually will become resentful of giving over so much of yourself ot something you don't even believe in. Think about it. Marriage is exciting in the way you have a companion, you are in love, and you get to have sex all the time. But eventually, things become more mundane, and that is when compatibility (intellectual, emotional, cultural, and social) helps the couple get through some hard stuff. The time when the things we share in our belief system unify us. Just think about it....

  I wish the best for you whatever you decide.

  Country Girl
• 

  exjdub

  I don't mean to be rude or anything, but if you knew me you'd know I wouldn't cave.

  Veritas,

  Actually, I said that you would either cave, or resent the intrusion. You are right, I don't know you, but I am familiar with human nature. Life is not a vacuum. Change is inevitable. If you just go through the motions "to get everyone off your back" eventually you will resent it, regardless of your feelings for your girlfriend. I think that you are under the impression that converting and going through the motions is a short term and simple thing. If you think that you should re-evaluate your intentions because it is not that simple.

  You asked what everyone thought of you converting and you have received many replies, none of which indicated that conversion would be good or beneficial for you. To the contrary, there have been many warnings and cautions. You have received a great deal of good and solid advice... now it is up to you to decide. I would be very interested in your final decision and the result and hope to hear from you again. Whatever your decision is I wish you the best of luck and hope that you are able to come to a resolution that makes you, and her, happy.

  Warmest Regards,

  exjdub
• 

  prgirl79

  I posted something similar to this nosferatu put my first posting here. You think no matter what that you love her and you are willing to do anything seems to me you don't want to listen to what we are saying. Seems like this is common (wish i knew that before ) for the past couple of weeks others have written about the same thing. You are getting good advise now!! You are young things change. Why would you want to join this cult if you are an atheist to be with her. If you join it will be a lifestyle If you don't she will be harrassed that you are not in the "truth" do you really want to deal with that. I thought the differences shouldn't be major but with JWs it is!!! You would have to keep up in the meetings you couldn't have two different lifestyles. My ex never went to birthdays holidays, funerals, weddings, and if you do how would that work! As Nosferatu said love does not conquer all. I got tired of no compromise because they won't give an inch and you will be resentful of all you did for something you say you don't believe in. I thought he knows how much i love him i am the only one who is there for him not like those jw's who shun him. You are probably thinking this all sounds negative. But we don't want others hurt by this if possible, and you are asking for advice we have been there so we know what we are telling you. You think it's different she is different well let me tell we have been there too, and in all the other posts it's not different! I can say for myself, and I am sure for others that it's better to leave now then go through the battle, struggle and heartache that we know is all that awaits you if you continue with her. You are fighting a losing battle with as one former person posted a "lunatic army and your one ally your girlfreind might turn on you tomorrow"
• 

  Veritas

  I did ask for advice. It may not seem like I am going to listen but every reply that I add is just to get the most precise reply out of everyone else. I already told Nosferatu that I was going to watch her and see how things work out. I am keeping all of your advice in mind. I just love her that much that I fail to lose all hope just because everybody else has had a bad relationship with a jw. It's like like giving up before actually trying because of everybody elses past. I do appreciate everyones help and advice. I'm not just looking for someone to tell me to stay with her. I just want as much guidance as I can get towards making my decision. Like I've said earlier thank you to everybody who has given me a little of their time to help me make the best decision I can.
• 

  jgnat

  Veritas, I give you credit for sticking it out with us as we describe various pitfalls involved in conversion to be with a JW loved-one. It would not be good for you to go in to this situation misinformed.

  I am a non-JW who married a JW for love. I went in to the situation well-informed of the consequences. I am an intelligent, strong-minded woman, but I tell you, there are days that the Watchtower steamroller wears me down. This board is a lifeline where I can express my thoughts freely.

  I am going to assume that you have chosen your course already. You are ready to convert and marry. So I will focus my advice on how to prepare for what you will face. I suggest you ask your girlfriend to get a copy of the Secret to Family Happiness book, and both of you study it together. I think you will find that your girlfriend and her parents follow the guidelines in this book very closely, and it will give you a good idea what your life together will be like.

  A convert must complete a full round of study (minimum six months) and be baptized. After baptism, he/she is expected to do door-to-door witnessing for the rest of his/her life. This organization requires greater discipline and regular attendance than a regular run-of-the mill church. Also, you are expected to study the materials during your "free time" and be prepared to answer during the weekly meetings.

  When a non-JW marries a Witness, they are marrying two people, their loved one and the WTBTS. Just so you know who you will be getting in bed with.
• 

  Veritas

  I am now off to see my love. This will be my last post most likely for the day. I just wanted to say thank you for all of your honesty about everything and thank you for taking the time to try and guide me in the right way. My plight is the same but I now go into battle so to speak alone yet fully armed. Armed with knowledge of what may await me if I make the wrong choice. Of course I am still going to try to find a way to be with her so that we're both happy but if things don't work out and I see it coming. I won't be as crushed thanks to everyones thoughts on my situation. I will post here again one day. Hopefully it will be something positive but if it isn't then I either made the wrong choice or I made the *right* choice(your choice) and it hurts so much to lose my one and only love. Thank you all once again for the advice and for wishing me well on this. I'm off to see my love now. I pray that it's not one of the last times. Ironic huh? An athiest praying with no one to pray to. Just empty words drifting off into the endless stretch of hope that I call my heart. Well, thank you all.
• 

  exjdub

  I'm not just looking for someone to tell me to stay with her. I just want as much guidance as I can get towards making my decision.

  Veritas,

  I hope you stay with her...I just don't want you to become a JW. It sounds like you have already had enough pain without adding more pain through a cult. I wasted 30+ years with JW's and I have no desire to see anyone else, for whatever reason, join it. If she truly loves you...could she leave the cult to be with you???? Have you asked?

  exjdub
• 

  jgnat

  Do you really have a lot of time? One of the biggest regrets I hear from XJW?s is how much of their lives were wasted serving the organization. Try this little exercise:

  0______________________________________________________________100

  The line above represents your life. The ?0? is when you were born, and ?100? is the age you will be when you die.

  1. Assuming that were true, draw a vertical line to intersect where you are on your lifeline ? your current age.
  2. Cross everything to the left of the vertical line out and write ?History? above it.
  3. Everything on the right of your current age represents the time you have to live.
  4. How much of that will you sleep? Roughly one-third. So mark off one-third of the remaining line segment and write ?Sleep? above it.
  5. Who much of that will you spend working? Half? So mark out roughly half of what?s left and write ?Work? above it.
  6. Now, mark off about 15% of what is left, and mark it WTS.
  7. Circle what?s left and write ?Me? above it. That?s about all the time you have left to accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams.

  Expect your adopted family to justify all this time, ?In light of eternity?. That is the life of a JW ? life endured, hope deferred.

  *edited to give credit where I got this idea, Laura Stack, MBA, CSP, "Leave the Office Earlier"

  I see you are off to see your lovely, Veritas. I pass on my well wishes to you, and hope to hear from you again.
• 

  prgirl79

  well all i can say is I wish you the best. I know you love her, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't move on, you are young can find someone else and really be happy. I know what you mean about hope. I held on to that hope for 5 years with my ex, until i realized I wasn't happy. This wasn't going to change, and I realized how much I was giving up. How one sided it is how much of a lifestyle it is. It is so draining! I grew resentful just like others mentioned. We all gave you our advice and what we have been through. Just keep that in mind, and realize what you would have to go through should you decide to stay the relationship would be with her and the WTS.
• 

  Nosferatu

  I just love her that much that I fail to lose all hope just because everybody else has had a bad relationship with a jw.

  For the record, I never dated a JW.

  Okay, I'm lying. I dated a girl who was studying to become a JW when I was 15, but my JW mother soon put an end to that! Figure that one out.

  From what it sounds like, your "girlfriend" might be doubting, but if you try fighting this battle for her, you're going to lose. There are 6 million JWs who think and act the exact same way, and will be encouraging your "girlfriend" to stay in their mindset. Let her fight this battle on her own. You can only influence her so much, until you get annoying.

  This is what I'd do if I were in your situation: dump her and start dating two other women (and let her know about it). If she left the religion and came back to me, then I'd take her back and dump only one of the women I was already dating. You're probably not ready for a sophisticated dating move like that, but it works.