How do I control my jealousy?!! Help!

Crumpet

The first time I can vividly recall feeling jealous was when I was 7.

My dad came home from visiting a client with gifts for me and my sisters. My younger sisters got a beaufiful handmade doll dressed in pink lace called Betty and a handmade cotton cot. I got the 1982 yearbook of JWs.

It was true I loved to read, but I was 7 and would have loved the dolly in her pretty dress and the amazing carry cot. They were so pretty and the yearbook well it was so boring and ugly. Of course I was brought up well enough to say thank you even though I was clearly disappointed and jealous of my sisters. Of course my sisters were generous enough to let me play with Betty too and she became a staple of our games over the years. So I coped with my jealousy then.

However over the years I would have many causes to be jealous again even though we were told often from the platform that jealousy was wrong, that love is not jealous. At different times we were also told that God is a Jealous God exacting exclusive devotion but that kind of jealousy was okay. I never understood the difference between God wanting everyone to worship him and being jealous and wanting to kill those that didn't and my jealousy, my ego, my desire to be the centre of attention sometimes as a child. Does anyone else get it? Or was this another watchtower twist? It seems little wonder that I am jealous when I was taught on the one hand it was wrong for humans, but on the other hand God, who we wanted to be like, could get as jealous as he liked!

Now that I am a woman my jealousy seems to have grown with me. I want "exclusive devotion" from my other half and I get very jealous when other women seem to be on the receiving end of his attention however meagre this might be. I can barely think about him being at work as I am convinced there is a woman there, who is trying to take him away from me. I realise that my jealousy can be aroused over the slightest things and that sometimes it is irrational. This is causing divisions in our relationship. He hates me commenting and will not listen to me and I take that to be him preferring the other woman - as he is defending her and telling me to shut up.

Consequently I find myself once again in the spare room, angry - no livid and unable to sleep so angry am I with this woman. And frustrated that he does nothing at all to allay my fears. The only way I can deal with my jealousy it seems is to removed myself emotionally and physically from him. If I don't care about him then I can stop being jealous and angry. However if I keep this up there will be no relationship - I'll have given up.

Short of committing murder every time I encounter danger in the shape of a predatory woman to remove the competition, what can I do to control my jealousy for my own peace of mind? I can't do anything physical or violent obviously - although I would very much like to! Neither can I discuss it with my partner anymore as he is sick and tired of hearing it and says if I mention it again he will go off with someone else. Neither can I go on like this as it twists me up inside and makes me feel horrible!

Any experiences on the subject would be welcomed. How have you learnt to deal with jealousy?

bikerchic

Jealousy is very destructive to any relationship. It's passive aggressiveness at it's worst. It's all about neither one of you really getting your needs met and you play off each other. You picked someone just like yourself to work these issues out, but it's a doomed relationship from the start. It's about your own insecurities and until you figure out who you are and become a stronger person who doesn't rely on another person to fulfill your own self image you will always go through this same cycle.

Sometimes both people in the relationship realize this about themselves and value the relationship enough that they are willing to work on their own insecurities and issues while working and remaining in the relationship. Most of the time it's easier to go their own separate ways because the ego doesn't allow for self reflection.

Good luck!

Edited to add: How do you control it? Simple you don't feed into it, you bite your tongue and live with the uncomfortable feelings. When you are feeling insecure instead of retreating into yourself or another room do something loving toward your mate, say something nice get involved with loving things. Do that until it becomes habit and slowly the uncomfortable feelings and jealousy will subside, especially when the reaction of your mate will be so much nicer than the heretofore fighting!

under74

I'm with you crumpet. I'm a pretty jealous girl as well. I have to agree with BC on this even if I haven't totally come to grips with it myself. I know she's right. Don't feed into it.

Elsewhere

My dad came home from visiting a client with gifts for me and my sisters. My younger sisters got a beaufiful handmade doll dressed in pink lace called Betty and a handmade cotton cot. I got the 1982 yearbook of JWs.

lmao! I'm sorry, I don't mean to be mean, but that is just CLASSIC funny. It reminds me of the way Charlie Brown would always get a lump of coal when he went trick-or-treating while everyone else got bags full of candy.

My sister was a daddy’s girl (still is - always will be) and every year before school started he would give her several hundred dollars (normally $300 - $500) to go shopping with (on her own). He would then give my mom one hundred dollars and tell her to take me to the most cheap-ass store she could find and buy me only things that were on clearance.

You have my sympathies.

Crumpet

Bikerchic and under74, thank you for you commenrts and I understand that this is about my own insecurities - ie I feel unattractive and overweight and women who wouldn't normally pose a threat now do. However I don't understand what you mean by:

You picked someone just like yourself to work these issues out, but it's a doomed relationship from the start.

He isn't at all like me - we are very different. he doesn't get particularly jealous at all... Please explain...

a friend in need

Your partner is sick and tired of hearing of it???? Did it ever enter his mind that he could end the problem by reasuring you that you have nothing to worry about? Quit taking all the blame. You don't see him sleeping in the spare room ... because he doesn't see the problem.

He doesn't have to live his life with his arms around you but some emotional support from him would go a long way. When he has convinced you that you have nothing to worry about, you can get on with life and quit worrying.

It's old hat now but ... get councelling. Not for him ... for you!

Crumpet

Elsewhere no problem - I'm glad I made you laugh!

Crumpet

Did it ever enter his mind that he could end the problem by reasuring you that you have nothing to worry about?

Friend in need - thanks for that comment. I have said this to him many a time - that his inability to show affection or say nice things (except when he wants sex) do not help. If he was a bit more demonstrative and I didnt just feel that I was there to be the butt of his humour as well as his audience sometimes that my insecurities may be fewer. But I am well aware that I am over the top in my jealousy.

Counselling here is £50 an hour - thats more than I earn in a day so its not an option for me now.

under74

I think (I think) what BC (although I can't speak for her) is saying is that it might be doomed because you're insecure. That's usually how it turns out unless you overcome the insecurity. And usually we attract others that are somewhat like us--whether we know it or not. I could be wrong about what bc meant but that's what I got.

However, I think you can overcome it since you're talking about it.

luna2

Like Elsewhere, I'm focusing on the beautiful dolly vs the dumbass book. How is that fair? I think for your parents' anniversary you should send your mother some beautiful flowers and your father a bag of manure (useful in the garden, but hardly gift-material). Okay...ahem...yes, I obviously have a little problem myself. Sheesh.

I like the counsel on building up your self esteem. I need to work on this myself. I think if you love yourself more, perhaps you will stress about him less?? I don't know if this is really works, but it feels like it should.

Good Luck, Crumpet!

How do I control my jealousy?!! Help!

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