How do I control my jealousy?!! Help! (page 6)

JW83

Hi Crumpet, (((hugs))) for you

EF's zen-like calm will help for a broader approach re jealousy in general, but I also agree with Katie that you've got to get this specific problem under control - the clothes/car thing is

ODD

Wow - what brilliant responses to my thread. In fact reading all them brought tears to my eyes due to being touched that so many understand precisely the root of my problems, made me laugh hysterically - especially Katie Kitten, feel chastened and admonished by Evil Force although I had to giggle when he said this:

He may say that he has tried various ways to reassure her, yet she doesn't see them and still goes off to "Crazyland

All of you are right in different ways. I do have a general jealousy problem - however I have managed to bring it under control compared to a few years ago and I do not nag or have a go everytime I feel jealous anymore. I keep it to myself and don't show as I know these displays are neither attractive or deserved by my other half. But there are specific issues like this one where I have to say something to him. I can't repress everything I feel out of concern for his mental wellbeing - there has to be some compromise doesn't there?

And AFIN thank you so much for being so defensive of me - there is a major issue about reassurance. I know that if my BF ocassionally hugged or kissed me or said he loved me without prompting - or if he would just put his arm around me when we are watching tv, or even if he would pick up his wet towel after his shower in the morning and not leave it for me when I get home from work (ring any bells!!!) then it would go half way to curing my feelings of insecurity. However I know him well enough to realise that he doesn't do these things because its not in his nature to be that affectionate - he isn't even with his daughter who he loves dearly - but I just wish he would try - do things because they might please me and make me happy.

However that is only half way and the rest as EF has said is my problem. It is a self esteem issue as someone pointed out and only I can deal with that. And behaving like some neurotic and knowing I am does not make me very proud of myself and doesnt help with my slef esteem. Someone else mentioned using logic and Trevor said I should emotionally distance myself from my emotion and yes I am trying to do that.

There was so much brilliant advice here and I can't thank you enough. I didnt get to read it until this morning - however I feel okay about how I dealt with it.

I went out with my girlfriends whose jaws dropped when I described the situation before explaining how I felt. They both thought that this woman at work was out of order. Katie you know what you said about reversing the situ - some guy giving you clothes for your little brother because they wouldn't fit your partner because he's not muscley enough - well I used that exact reasoning to explain to my BF how I felt this morning. I told him that he migth want me to shut up but that I was going to explain exactly what my problem was and after that I would not mention it again and I would trust that he would take my concerns into account. It took me less than 2 minutes to say my piece and I did so in a calm dignified manner and told him that I was really hurt by it and that I have assessed the situ logically and dispassionately and discussed it with friends and still think the gesture was not as altruistic as he initially thought. And he actually agreed he said he had been puzzled when she gave him the clothes for his Daughter wondering why she would think her 30 year old clothes would fit or be suitable for her, but hadn't given it anymore thought. Anyway I felt much better now that I had been able to say my piece and that actually he now realised what the gesture had meant. If the woman had a daughter and passed on clothes I would have not have been suspicious or annoyed at all.

My friends both said that my BF should return the clothes - however I do not want her to think she succeeded or got to me at all. I would just like him to not open the bag and drop it off at the charity shop. And then I might send a thank you note to the woman along the lines of how kind of you to send clothes, but really none of them were appropriate for a 9 year old, we are trying to raise her to be modest and with Tasteful fashion sense....

I probably won't do the above but it makes me feel better to fantasise about it.....

JW83

Crumpet, I think you handled it well. Go girl!

Gill

How about trying this. Jealousy is fed by insecurity. For some reason you feel inadequate with yourself, and it's probably unfounded.

1. Every time you feel jealous, treat yourself. Get a new hair cut, new nail polish, new lipstick. Sexy underwear, new shoes, a nice perfume etc In time you begin to associate feeling jealous with something nice.

2. Take any glances or attention he may give to someone else as a reason to treat yourself, even if it's imaginary.

Isn't it cool that he still looks at other ladies and yet he only want you on his arm?

Reverse the psychology. Be extra nice to him whenever you feel jealous and then...treat yourself!

God! You're going to so love feeling jealous in a few months time when it starts working.

You're worth it and he is so LUCKY to have a girl like you!

Give it a try!

Hope it works!

Love

Gill

katiekitten

Evil Force 2 : Katie Kitten 1

You wont get away with this next time EF !

(the fact that you are a Scorpio explains everything - you guys kick my Libra but every time)

Go Crumpy Go Crumpy Go Crumpy (in the style of a Rikki Lake audience)

Crumpet

Thanks Gill - good - no in fact excellent ideas! LOL!

Doing a little chat show audience member hip gyration type dance whilst stirring imaginary pot! (Ellen Degeneres stylie)

Billygoat

Crumpet,

Not to be patronizing, but I am so proud of you! In the past I've been a very jealous person, so I sympathise. But I believe in your situation, this isn't just a black and white thing as most people seem to be taking sides. Couldn't it be a combination of ALL the comments?

Self-esteem is low. Okay, we've discussed this at length, but once this is worked on, the jealousy will naturally subside. The good thing is that this is something in YOUR control, so you have homework to do until you get some results.
Your boyfriend has a tendency to be blind to your needs. He's a man - they don't always KNOW our needs unless we spell it out for them. So instead of hiding something, he may just not have the wherewithall to handle your jealous feelings. It's easier to shut down and tell you to shut up. But he has no idea that this makes it worse.

I must say I still struggle with jealousy now and again. And like others have said, if you starve the monster, it eventually dies. Make a logical (not emotional) choice to not feed those thoughts. You've gotten some great suggestions as to handle that at the very moment. It truly can become a habit! So, I know this can be overcome. (It has been a few years, but I've visited Crazyland a time or two. LOL)

I wish you well!

Andi

chris1525

My younger sisters got a beaufiful handmade doll dressed in pink lace called Betty and a handmade cotton cot. I got the 1982 yearbook of JWs.

dh

Don't try to control your jealousy, instead try to find something you feel contented with.

Sirona

Crumpet! I understand SO much!

I've suffered with jealousy for years. Mostly it relates to the fact that no man has ever stuck around for me. Not one. So I am so scared that my hub will end up leaving aswell.

Plus, I do feel fat myself. I don't feel as nice as many of the women my hub obviously admires (I mean the insignificant stars on TV he says are nice, cos they're all slim and sporty).

The main problem I see in your posts is this:

I know that if my BF ocassionally hugged or kissed me or said he loved me without prompting - or if he would just put his arm around me when we are watching tv, or even if he would pick up his wet towel after his shower in the morning and not leave it for me when I get home from work (ring any bells!!!) then it would go half way to curing my feelings of insecurity. However I know him well enough to realise that he doesn't do these things because its not in his nature to be that affectionate - he isn't even with his daughter who he loves dearly - but I just wish he would try - do things because they might please me and make me happy.

Are you saying he doesn't even occasionally do that without prompting? If that is truly the case, then he has a problem being affectionate. This will naturally make you feel even more insecure. Jealousy is your problem, but the lack of affection is his.

Fairly recently, my jealousy has lessened. Partly this is because I tell myself that "what will be will be". However partly it is my husbands maturity and loving attitude that has done it. He actually said to me the other day, when I was down and feeling fat "Hey, if you could see yourself through my eyes for just one day, and see how gorgeous you are, you wouldn't be so down, you'd be glad". That just made me melt and I felt much better after that.

The trouble is, in the past I've asked for that type of reassurance and it hasn't worked. The reason it didn't work is because NO amount of reassurance would work. So it is partly working on yourself and partly having the understanding partner that combats the jealousy IMHO.

The situation with the clothes you described would make me very very angry. My husband is similar to your bf in that he thinks that certain things are "innocent" when they're obviously not. Its a guy thing.

Hugs

Sirona

How do I control my jealousy?!! Help!

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