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How do I control my jealousy?!! Help!
by Crumpet 63 Replies latest jw experiences
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Thegoodgirl
Crumpet,
I'm the same as you! I think you posted about this before to me, but anyway, I too always think my husband is staying late at work with some girl, etc. It really drives you crazy, I know.
I am not so sure the lady was giving her clothes to send any message to YOU, does she even know you?
But in your favor, he should have definetly reassured you, over and over again that things are okay, he is not cheating. I think it was totally rude and awful of him to tell you to stop talking after your class. How awful not to be able to express your concerns and fears. And so so rude of him to make a comment about your weight.
One thing that did help my situation a bit is that I told my husband that it really pisses me off when I or he comes home and he doesn't even greet me with a hug and kiss. It makes me feel like I'm not the thing on his mind. So he agreed at my suggestion to have a mandatory "greeting" every morning and night. (A hug and kiss am and pm, and a hug and kiss when he comes home from work, not associated with sex.) I still have to remind him, "Hey, where's the meet and greet?" and then he smiles and hugs me, but it still helps me a bit. sometimes guys are totally stupid emotionally, and you have to lead them by the hand and tell them what to do.
I know it's my own self-esteem too, and I need to work on that.
GG
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EvilForce
Sorry AFIN, but your advice misses the mark by a wide margin. This is her issue to deal with. Saying "Well if only he would........." really is a cop out. Because as soon as he starts doing that, then the mark will get moved to something else further out. That is the nature of jealousy.
When one feels the 'twinge', the 'pang' of jealousy, that moment of fear rising in your throat, the ego's interpretation is that you are about to lose something. Fearing loss, you try to control the situation. The situation happens to be other human beings. Although we may want freedom for ourselves, we feel tumultuous over the duality of freedom versus control. Freedom often feels more threatening than living a controlled life. The more we feel threatened, the greater we exert control to everything and everyone around us.
"In the Tao there is a saying: 'The caged bird shows no allegiance'. I have no desire for caged birds in my life. I have less and less room for people who don't allow free will. I try to live an inclusive life with an open door that invites others in. They may exclude themselves because they find my beliefs offensive. They are free to make that choice, as well.
Jealousy is a form of resistance. When I allow my resistance to fall away, I create room for many other things: change, new people, new ideas, growth, expanded relationships, extended family. Who knows how far it could go? When I do that, what grows in that space is often unexpected and very joyful. Because when given room, we can all begin to expand into our unlimited potential and therefore create more space for everyone else." -
a friend in need
EF ... your ideas sound nice but do they help in this situation? Crumpet does not feel valued by her b/f. The fact that Crumpet feels threatened shows me that b/f doesn't make her feel loved. If he does love her, he would want to reasure her of his love and not tell her to shut up.
If she gets on with her life and learns to value herself it won't matter to her if he loves her or not. She has to love herself ... when she is confident in her own value, she will have to decide if b/f is even good enough for her.
Right now she allows him to belittle her ... she is desperate to be loved and accepts this treatment. When she learns to love herself, not he or anyone will be allowed to hurt her. It all boils down to self-esteem. What bothers me is what pleasure can he get from keeping her down.
Crumpet thinks she has jealousy issues. Maybe she does. I think she has bad b/f issues and self-esteem issues.
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stevenyc
EF
Jealousy is a form of resistance. When I allow my resistance to fall away, I create room for many other things: change, new people, new ideas, growth, expanded relationships, extended family. Who knows how far it could go? When I do that, what grows in that space is often unexpected and very joyful. Because when given room, we can all begin to expand into our unlimited potential and therefore create more space for everyone else."
AFIN
When she learns to love herself, not he or anyone will be allowed to hurt her. It all boils down to self-esteem.
I think your both saying the same thing
steve
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outoftheorg
AFIN that is almost 100% correct.
Maybe 98.88 %.
Outoftheorg
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EvilForce
AFIN....
I do agree with your last post to an extent. However, saying she may have a bad b/f is a bit too much without knowing both sides of the story. He may say that he has tried various ways to reassure her, yet she doesn't see them and still goes off to "Crazyland".
But I wholeheartedly agree with your self esteem issue. Which is what I was saying. This is HER issue to deal with. Whether it's this b/f or another one, she needs to deal with it. If she cannot avoid a couple of therepy sessions perhaps stopping off at the library for a "self help" book would be best. I believe her issue with unconditional love is a by-product of being a Dub. Being an active Dub means you get love only so much as you stay "in the troof". That's why I think the Witnesses are a cruel, mentally damaging religion / cult.
Nobody likes to hear that they are wrong or at fault. But I wanted to be clear in my counsel. It needs to be HER that helps herself with this. Make sense Crumpet / AFIN?
At least you didn't tell her to go to meetings and read more WT and Asleeps AFIN......LOL -
Why Georgia
For me personally....
When I have been jealous it has been linked to my own poor self image of myself. From growing up being unwanted and feeling like that same little unloveable 4 year old girl again.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
WG
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Englishman
I once went out with a girl who had jealousy problems. It was an absolute nightmare. I've always been a social animal and will happily chat to both men and women if the subject is of interest. Anyway, it got to the point that not only would she give me hell about my imagined infidelities but she'd also give the subjects of her jealousy hell as well. So then these females wouldn't talk to me because of what my jealous girl friend might do. So then I avoided telling her who I had been talking too, became more secretive as a result and eventually just felt like a big lump of a useless oaf who couldn't please anyone. Worse still I became an object of pity amongst our rapidly diminishing social circle.
Englishman.
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a friend in need
Englishman ... I see you have successfully re-emerged ;)