How do I control my jealousy?!! Help! (page 4)

EvilForce

Englishman...good post!

I have been in a similar situation. Pretty soon after the 3rd degree over how my day at the hospital went....I just quit volunteering any information whatsoever. I just shut down. Why say anything when it will be gone over with the detective at home looking for any inconsistencies and jumping down my throat. So when one person shuts down emotionally and mentally it is only a matter of time until the relationship implodes.

chrissy

Hi Crumpet,

It seems as though all the right stuff has been said. Except... you ARE too good to sleep in the spare room....

I'm with afin... start doing good things for you. Spark your interests in things outside the relationship that puts all the focus on you. (learning something new, join a team a co-ed sports team) Keep hanging out with your fun-loving gal pals, just be sure they are not feeding the fire by encouraging you to worry about what your S.O. could secretly be up to and bashing him.

The better you feel about yourself the less you will imagine he is cheating...because you will start to realize that even if he does act out on a workmate's advances, it is about him and not you.

...Please go back to sleeping in your own comfy bed tonight!! (and if he makes one more comment about your weight... kick his sorry behind out of the bedroom)

katiekitten

Crumpet hunny

Im pretty jealous too, its agony to live with. I honestly think it doesnt come from nowhere and for no reason. A happy secure child has no reason to feel jealous, and no reason to grow up into a jealous adult. So first of all its not your fault.

Secong of all, if you are not being reassured in the way YOU need then the feelings will never go away. Being pressured into not venting your feelings wont make them go away, however much you boy/f hopes they will. It just makes it convenient for him not to have to hear and hence deal with them.

If he is doing something that is hurting you then he shouldnt do it, even if it is all innocent. I do think men can easily pretend innocent, pretend not to read between the lines, pretend that if they think there is nothing in it then you HAVE to put up with it, even if it is hurting you loads. women are so easy to make feel guilty.

I have no answers expect - dont blame yourself. If its any consolation at all, loads of people (including me) think the pictures of you are gorgeous (you read the thread, right?) and I was just a tiny bit jealous of that...

You are a beautiful intelligent sensitive person, and I cant wait to meet you sometime.

EvilForce

if you are not being reassured in the way YOU need then the feelings will never go away.

AHHHHNNNNNNN - Wrong answer

Reassurance put the responsibility on someone else. It's each person's OWN responsibility.

Jez

I think some great points have been made here about how being too jealous can shut a partner down. The only true way to not get the third degree, and then a sulk-fest for the next few days is to say nothing at all. Offer NO information that could potentially be skewed to look like you are 'after someone else'. What you get is a relationship full of non spoken words. It will implode.

Talk it over with your man over a glass of wine. As he will no doubt be on the defensive already, you will have to figure out how to really ease into it with him. Talk about YOURSELF and YOUR feelings, using "I" statements. Try not to say YOU. What happens is ppl will try to discuss "issues" when they are fighting, ???? Not possible. Talk about jealousy with HIM. He has to and if he refuses, belittles you, tells you to stop nagging, etc ask yourself how much he cares about your feelings or this relationship.

My husband and I both agree: If you want to wander off....go...I won't beg you to stay....I don't want someone that does not want to be or cannot be with me 100%.

Jez

sonnyboy

Short of committing murder every time I encounter danger in the shape of a predatory woman to remove the competition, what can I do to control my jealousy for my own peace of mind?

Maybe you should start by attempting to view things through logic rather than emotion. I know that's easy to say, and I struggle with this issue myself from time to time.

What you seem to be saying is that deep down you're afraid he's going to cheat on you or leave with this other woman. If he does, what exactly does that say about him and the strength of your relationship? Would you want to keep a man who doesn't want to be with you? (I'm not saying he doesn't, but am speaking hypothetically)

I've learned to do this when it comes to relationships. You have to simply say f*ck it and let the other person be free. If they stay, it was meant to be. If not, well, what can you do? Just because society tells us that we MUST have a mate doesn't make it necessarily true. We can learn to be happy alone until the right person comes along, if they come along at all.

katiekitten

Well I can see what you gentlemen are saying about being with a jealous woman, and I agree it must be awful, especially when it means you cant talk to any other woman.

But Crumpet isnt talking about him talking to women in general. She is not jealous in general I dont think, she is jealous in a rather specific way over a specific woman who is cleverly doing things and making comments which a man would see as totally innocent, but would hurt any woman they were aimed at.

Remember when your little brother gets so irritating that all he has to do is look at you a certain way and it provokes you into leaning over the dinner table and thumping him, then mum and dad give you a bollocking for hitting the poor little boy for no reason? But it wasnt for no reason was it? Its just that mum and dad are so literal they cant see whats going on. They cant read between the lines. This is how this woman is cleverly getting at Crumpet. She knows what hurts a woman most. Men dont see it the same, but its still there.

katiekitten

Yes you are right evilforce, but surely being in a relationship invloves two people co-operating. If one person is causing the other hurt then I think there is some responsibility for them to try and stop causing that hurt.

All the blokes are coming from the point of view that its all in the womans mind and therefore totally her lookout to sort it. (if it was all in her mind, then yes, it would be her lookout to sort it, but even then a kind and loving partner could surely do some things to help other than silence her from voicing her feelings) I dont beleive things come from nowhere. Most things are six of one and half a dozen of the other - therefore the solution had to be shared as well. Not all her lookout, and neither not ALL his responsiblilty. But it needs some co-operation from him to help resolve it. Well, in my opinion anyway.

sweet tee

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Crumpet )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I sent you a pm.

Tam

NOdenial

I want to say that EvilForce is absolutely CORRECT on this one! (Excellent post - EF!!)

Here is what I feel on this matter: your jealousy is all about YOU - not your partner. (unless your partner is intentionally giving you reason to be jealous by flirting and stuff. That would be a different discussion. The only way to handle that is to find someone that demonstrates better character than that. Find someone that is as dedicated to your releationship as you are.) The bottom line is that your partner is with you absolutely voluntarily. You can NEVER stop him from leaving you and having an affair or whatever! He WILL do what he LOVES to do.

Now it's up to YOU to be sure that he loves to be with you more than anyone else. Talking to other women does not necassarily reflect his desire to be with them. He is just being an independant human. --- If you attempt to remove his 'right' to socialize, he will only take that for so long and will find other relationships to be more attractive. (you would do the same thing!)

So - mentally, if I suffered from serious jealousy, here is what I would tell myself: "Our relationship is built on (fill in blank)... I have no reason to question the loyalty of my partner - no matter who seems to be trying to move in on my man (***smiling to yourself because someone else finds your taste in men to be mutual!***)."

From a distance, admire the way your partner will return to you (!!!) even though presented with the opportunity to leave with someone else. Know within yourself that you were more 'worthy' than the other woman was.... and NEVER forget that! He choses YOU!

(and if he ever does leave you in the future - never give him reason to say: "she drove me away!")

A relationship without trust rarely survives.

NOdenial.....

How do I control my jealousy?!! Help!

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