How do I control my jealousy?!! Help! (page 2)

Crumpet

Like the suggestions luna! LOL!

Still I don't want to love myself too much or I might decide he's not good enough for me! And that I'm too good for the spare room!

My whole point is that if he would make you feel secure (he knows you need this) you could gain self esteem and move on and enjoy your life. Now he has you in a knot wondering what he's up to, which makes you question your worth. The way I see it ... if he won't be part of the solution he is part of the problem. Start having concern for yourself ... join a fun group ... lose weight (for yourself) ... go out with girlfriends and have some laughs. Who knows ... you may find someone who appreciates you for who you are!

Crumpet

Thank you so much friend in need. I am trying to lose weight - I went to an aqua aerobics class last night by myself even tho I was well nervous and haven;t done anything like that since I was at school. I was looking forward to telling my other half all about it when he picked me up. Then I spotted in the boot of the car a huge bag.

I asked him what was in it. And he said clothes for his 9 year old daughter - who from I asked? And he said this woman at work. Why would this 30 year old woman be sending her cast offs to your 9 year old daughter?

And this is where he made a fatal mistake - he said that I was obviously a lot larger and wouldn't fit into them so she was sending them for his little girl. Any women reading this can see why I would be deeply hurt by that and deeply hurt by this woman who we barely know sending her castoffs as if to make a point that she is tiny and I am enormous. I could have cried and when I started to say what I thought he told me to shut up. And so I have ever since. I feel very strongly that this woman is conniving and sent this to humiliate me. I mean why would she even think that a 30 year old office tarts clothes would be suitable for a 9 year old child? My other half will just believe it was purely altruistic even though he knows how bithcy girls can be! And he wont hear a bad word against her.

Anyway so thats why I started this thread....

On the bright side I am going out with my girlfriends tonight who I haven't seen for 3 months and hopefully they will make me feel better! I'm doing my make up and am determined to try and forget about my BF and this underhand woman!

a friend in need

Be careful not to blame the underhanded woman. She only gets away with what your bf allows her to. That's where you've allowed him to have the upper hand in your life. Take it back!

Go out tonight and PARTY!!!!

bebu

Jealousy is not improper when people love each other, providing that there is no irrational reason for jealousy. Bikerchic's advice is spot-on for this.

I'm wondering if part of the problem resides in a slight difference in opinion about your status. You are jealous in the way a married woman might be jealous, but he seems unconcerned.

Your boyfriend, I am GUESSING, might be telling himself that since you both aren't 'married' after all, that he's always got more leeway in how he interacts with other women, and you don't have much room to complain.

In other words, maybe you see the relationship more like a real marriage, and he sees this more as a convenience? (These are just speculations here.) But if you could work out what his real attitude (and your attitude) is toward your relationship, it might help a lot to resolve this...

bebu

luna2

OMG! afin! LOL I like your advice too. I'm quite shocked and pleasantly surprised! Good stuff.

Crumpet

Neither of us really believe in marriage as being any more important than a long term relationship. The measure of loyalty and security should be the same. We've been together 7 years and deciding to live together 4 years ago was a big commitment.

prophecor

...I get very jealous when other women seem to be on the receiving end of his attention however meagre this might be. I can barely think about him being at work as I am convinced there is a woman there, who is trying to take him away from me.

Hi Crumpet. I feel for you in your situation. Are you absolutely certain about your S.O's. intent? Looking at it from a man's perspective, I could see where his threats might be used for nothing other than bullying in order to keep you quiet. Often we men use veign threats like that, but leave, find somebody else? They are often wolf tickets we use in order to secure a womans' vocal chords.

" He's just trying to shut you up!!! "

It would appear to me that concern for your other half and his intent is where your focus should be as opposed to her, though I've also been and am on the other side of the street.

I don't get the attention that I would prefer at home either and when that moment comes where I can get some from elsewhere, (not talking about you, Elswhere), then I often find myself seeking it out. It's not so much for the hope of screwing someone else, as it is that we all require attention. It's like dope, we come to be dependent on it. It fuels something in us that pushes us a little further in our lives. When we don't get it at home, we seek it out in the next available person or thing that can give us a boost. It's not always about sex, however, though it certainly can materialize into it, so I throughly understand your concern.

Are you absolutely certain that this woman is on the prowl, or is she just a means for your S/O to gain some attention of his own.

Is he calling her? Does she call your home? Is he having conversations on the mobile phone with her? What is he doing to make you think he is cheating, or is contemplating cheating.

I truly feel for you, as jealousy is a rightful emotion that you SHOULD have. In the proper format, however. Not on mere speculation.

What's Up, Crumpet?

outoftheorg

I may be losing my sanity, but I agree with AFIN except I think you BOTH need counseling.

He seems to be unable or unwilling to address this problem in a caring way and support you and help your lack of self esteem.

You need to get help to build your self esteem to get rid of the fears of not being a complete loveable person.

Outoftheorg

Crumpet

Thanks for the male perspective here Prophecor. I have to say I have no evidence and do not think my partner ever has or is currently cheating. I don't think he would either unless he was very drunk and got seduced and he has never drunk to that extent.

So you see I am paranoid - its that he might be mentally emotionally more intimate with someone else or that such gestures as the one I mentioned may help him to compare me unfavourably and dump me!

At least he gets loads of attention from me - my inattention - ie not talking to him is a studied inattention and a form of attention...and he will more than likely be a bit nervous about me being our - miles away from home when I'm in a mood with him.

I'm sure it will end happily - and i was proud of myself to a degree last night that tempted as I was to have it out I respected his disrespectful instruction to button it and just wrote my thoughts down in my diary after writing about the nice things that had happened first to calm me down.

Maybe I'm headed in the right direction. I could be way of kilter with my suspicions that this woman is trying to undermine me - but I have a gut feeling I am not. If my BF did end up in the future doing something with this woman then it won;t be in innocence or because I did not warn him.

Anyway I am off out to party my ass off! thanks all!

How do I control my jealousy?!! Help!

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