Ive thought about posting this for a good few weeks, and finally decided to now the initial upset and outrage have calmed down in me. Hopefully I will be more objective in my post, and more robust to take some constructive critisism.
I have been divorced 7 years, since my daughter was 1. 50% of the blame was mine, definately.
Her dad moved across country and saw her every third weekend for several years. Two years ago he moved back into the area but specifically told me he still only wanted to see her every third weekend. Find by me. At the beginning of this year he got engaged, and asked to see her every other weekend (this is a long weekend as he has her from Friday after school, and drops her off at school on Monday). Fine. Then he asked to see her every Wednesday night. Fine also.
In May he got married, and In July he bought a house. One weekend he asked daughter if she wanted to stop with him an extra day every week. She said No thankyou. He said 'well its not your decision, its mine, and im going to have you an extra day a week'.
Daughter came home hysterical. When she goes to his house she invariably cries the night before. He is very strict with her, and unfortunately over the last 6 years she has got used to my more liberal parenting style. (Im not saying one style is right, and one wrong, just that they are VERY different, and Im the one she has been living with for her formative years). Ever since he started having her every other weekend I have had tears before she goes to him. One day when he came to pick her up she ran and hid under the coffee table (most embarrassing).
So when this 'extra day' issue came up I told daughter not to worry, daddy was already seeing her lots and if she didnt want to go she didnt have to.
I am now locked in battle with daddy, who is putting lots of pressure on me. But the bottom line is I have been to see a solicitor and she says he is already getting what a court would grant (he gets her half of all the school holidays too), and the only way he can try and compel me to give him more time is by taking me to court - and they are highly unlikely to grant him any extra time. I did suggest a good compromise which would have given him an extra evening with her but not an extra night. I put it in writing, but he refused it and told me he wanted a whole extra night a week.
Now the real issue for me is this - if daughter wanted to go I would let her, without a doubt. Im only saying no because it makes her so upset, and this makes me upset too.
But every time I stand up to him over it (and this is the first issue I have ever refused him) I get all shaky and scared. Im physically shaking now, just writing it. I dont know what I am scared of. I stand up to my current partner no problem, I will argue with my employers, with officials, with any other family member and not feel scared. But with him just saying 'no', even by text fills me with non specific fear. Hes never hit me or shouted at me (much the opposite, I often get upset with him and end up shouting then crying, and he stays clinically cold and emotionless - in fact he prides himself on not getting emotional). He has never threatened me with court or with anything else. But im a wreck. I hate saying no. The only reason I can do it is because I know how much it will upset daughter. She is such a good girl, so loyal and obedient. And hes on her case all the time about things I consider side issues (like sucking her thumb and biting her nails). He makes huge issues out of them and issues regular punishments over them. He tells her off about how she pronounces words (unfortunately I have a medium strong regional accent that she sometimes picks up). He swaps her knife and fork round in her hands, shes not allowed to play with makeup or jewellry.
But to me those are all small things. Shes never disobedient, never chats back, or has a tantrum, has excellent manners, is generous to a fault, and never sulks if you dont buy her something she has seen in a shop. Shes really patient - we waited 9 hours in Madrid airport for a plane and she never ONCE complained. To me those are the main things.
Sorry Ive gone on a bit.
So why am I so scared of him? Whats the worst that can happen?