by katiekitten 69 Replies latest jw friends
U/D:
All I can say is do what's the most loving for ALL involved..and realize that the two of you blew it...don't make the child pay for life.
A valid point, in similar circumstances.
But, hey, what have you got against mental health professionals???
He didn't talk about drink?
Wine, women and song (or the howling of canvas and rigging), my friend... wine, women and song
You are right U/D. Its wicked to put kids in the middle of parental disputes.
If I had my way, we would be discussing it without my daughter knowing - it was him that asked daughter if she wanted extra time with him, and when she said no, he told her she had no choice.
Well, he really should have asked me not her, and kept her out of it.
Also, I am only trying to uphold her decision, without restricting his access to her. He currently sees her every wednesday night, every other weekend, and half of all the school holidays. I would never curtail that, but seeing as how she doesnt want to see him ANY MORE than that I dont see that she should be forced to, and Im not going to be the one to force her.
If you can shed any light on issues for me, as you mentioned reading between the lines, I am open to suggestions. PM me if you dont want to say it in public.
LT
We ended up blind on single malt.
My last name is McTavish after all
Sorry...
These situations are so unique and individualized..."Don't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his mocassins...and even then, still don't judge him"
For some things there are no simple answers... But my brother and I have done the one thing we could do...break the cycle... We both swore if we ever had kids we wouldn't pass our "baggage" onto them. So far so good. But it's been hell...
All I can do is wish you luck and whatever you end up doing....do it in the best interest of the child.
(((((((hug)))))))
u/d
An 8 year old's free will usually depends on the mother, if she is the primary custodial person. You are "upholding" an 8 year o,d decision. Would you uphold it if it went against your wishes? I don't know you but you may be exerting control. I used to work on alot of dissolution cases. Try cooperation as it seems to me like the child is being placed in the middle here.
I know that there are 3 sides to every story, your side, his side and the truth. If you cooperate and give in as necessary and don't be militant, maybe your child will grow up well adjusted. If you fight, then beware. Everyone believes they are right and acts the way they do using that as a justification. Keep at it and you'll have a messed up kid, but you won over your ex, right (what a fine prize).
I know you'll hate me for what I said but it is the truth, from someone who has worked on dissolution cases. Mothers 99% of the time turn the kids against dad and dads become poor or insolvent to ruin the mothers and diminsih their ability to support the kids, these are facts. These are the weapons of divorce. Can you be the better person? It isn't easy but this is your child's future.
Oh hun i feel your pain.....my ex rang me up about 4 months ago and said he wanted share care just out of the blue. I was a wreck, he used to take my son one night a week since he was one that was fine, even then tho it was a burden for him at times, then its been moved up to weekend sat and sun night and he takes him to creche on Mon. Then he tried to work out with creche if my son could go in on tue....thats when he sprang the share care on me.
I cried and i cried...i couldnt imagine my son being gone 4 nights a week i was lost. I threatened court action and he backed right off and hasnt mentioned it since. We were discussin Kindergarden fees last week and he brought it up again and said i will pay half of everything if i can have him share care.
This time round im more comfortable with the decision not that i have decided anything, but my son asks alot about his dad now and he wants to see him a lot so im thinking for my son i may do it.
I guess thats where its different my son now asks to see his dad, whereas your daughter doesnt want to and i think if its a problem for the child your sure gona win if she gets hysterical when he is around she is much better off staying with you.
All the best hun
I really feel for you
es
So two years ago, he has the opportunity to see his child more often, but still opts to only see her every third weekend? And then he gets married and buys a house and wants to see his kid suddenly with, coincidentally, a drop in child support? Interesting... maybe you're scared that your baby's daddy isn't going to win the father of the year award at the PTA banquet.
I have nothing to add advice wise, but I would like you to know that your daughter sounds amazing and you're obviously more than 50% responsible for that.
--HL (mother of a brilliant, well-adjusted, liberally parented, left-handed former thumb sucker)
G Money
I'm glad I didn't work with you if you reckon 99% of your cases involved mothers coercing their children!!
Did you read all the posts before you commented, esp Katies? I don't think so.
If you did , how did you see in her comments that she is turning her daughter away from her father??
Don't get me wrong, I have seen that shit go down from both genders but in this instance can't you see the father trying to get at the mother?? (read previous posts)
HL (mother of a brilliant, well-adjusted, liberally parented, left-handed former thumb sucker)
BIG SMILES! Thanks HL, thats a great sentiment from a great mother!
Would you uphold it if it went against your wishes
I have tried to make clear to her that she is not just an extension of me and as such it is possible for her to have different opinions to me. When her dad had an affair with a girl 10 years my junior, and daughter got to know and like her I was very clear that it was fine for daughter to like this girl but that mummy didnt like her at all. She never wavered in her opinion that she liked the girl, and I told her I was proud that she had the courage to have different views to me.
Sometimes she has been with me and has said she wants to talk to daddy, and I will get her to phone him straight away. By comparison, daughter has come home from daddys house and told me that she is not allowed to say 'I miss mummy' - he has told her he doesnt want to hear it. She cant express herself properly at his house - its another way she gets into trouble.
I do not uphold her side every time she cries. If I did, she would never visit daddy, as she cries EVERY time she has to go. I usually spend one evening (2 hours round about bed time), before the weekend he is due to have her, talking her into going to him, telling her what fun they will have, how she will get to play with the dog, etc etc Its hard because I have to admit it tears me apart seeing her cry like that, but I know she has to visit him, so I try and cajole her around to the idea.
It is only this EXTRA time that I am holding out on, because to be honest, when he has her it ruind the night before at my house. So if he had her two nights in the week that would mean two nights of tears at my house - that means virtually all my time with her is marred by anxiety about going to him. I really dont think that is fair at all. Plus the night of tears before the 'every other weekend'. Its emotionally draining me.
If you cooperate and give in as necessary and don't be militant, maybe your child will grow up well adjusted
Im not sure how giving access every other weekend, every wednesday, and half of all the school holidays is being militant. I even lost £500 on a holiday I had paid for, last Christmas, because daddy told me it was his turn to have her for Christmas (up until this point no pattern had been established as he was living away). Cancelling a holiday because he insists its his turn to have her is hardly militant.
Keep at it and you'll have a messed up kid, but you won over your ex, right (what a fine prize).
I dont want to win any pyrric victories. I have capitulated to him on every major issue. I have even voluntarily reduced the maintenance payments twice, as my situation has improved. I just dont want any more of my evenings with my daughter ruined by tears. They have been happening long enough for me to know they are genuine and not just trying it on. After all, she cries and she still has to go to him, so its not like she has seen 'oh if I cry I get my own way'. There hasnt been a single instance when her crying has stopped me sending her to him.
But now I think, on this 'extra day' issue enough is enough.
