What am I so scared of? (page 6)

GentlyFeral

katiekitten,

Like when you meet someone very genteel and terribly respectable, and you sort of feel like a bit 'rough and ready' in their presence.

One of the best things you will ever do for yourself in this life is to turn this around. As you said,

But however shoddy I feel by comparison, I could NEVER want their sterile safe middle class existance. Its so drab and cold and tediously boring. I feel sorry for them really aspiring to such dullness.

All you have to do is dedicate the self-shaming parts of your brain to making the squares realize this. Repetition for emphasis:

I feel sorry for them really aspiring to such dullness.

gently feral

katiekitten

Thanks Es, I didnt realise you had a son in a similar position. I can really understand you not wanting to lose your son four nights a week - thats a LOT of time. It would kill me.

GF - repetition for emphasis! I will remember that. Im going to try and programme myself every morning "I AM BIG AND BRAVE, I AM BIG AND BRAVE!" What if I get it wrong though when im tired and start repeating "I AM BIG AND UGLY.."

DanTheMan

Man, it sounds like you're in the same situation as my sister in a lot of ways. Her ex is a complete dummy but no matter what the disagreement is he always seems to get the upper hand, that has always been the dynamic of the relationship.

Control freaks

BrendaCloutier

Katiekitten, if it were me and my child's situation, I'd be sure to take her for counseling over this problem, because sure as gawd made little green apples, you're gonna need the input from a psychologist on HER side when he takes you back to court to sue for custody in the future. And he WILL sue for custody, cause that's the "handwriting on the wall" that I'm seeing here.
Frannie

I agree with Frannie My first thought was "this guy is trying to weasle his daughter back and to get full custody" I do thing a psychologist is in order because she is obviously scared of something that happens at his house. It sounds to me like he is overly critical in general, let alone being a bossy overcritical father. Has his behaviour changed since the visits increased? By her response Id' say it probably has. If his daughter is "out of line" and he's trying to "put her in line" it's probably an example being set for his new wife, too. Physically abusive or not, he would scare and anger me, too. (((( KatieK and Daughter )))))

GentlyFeral

What if I get it wrong though when im tired and start repeating "I AM BIG AND UGLY.."

AND BRAVE.... I AM BIG, UGLY IF YOU CROSS ME ... AND BRAVE

gently feral

ballistic

Hi Katie,

I think the real issue here is not the custody but your feelings. At the end of the day, you know you can put your foot down or use legal action to resolve the situation.

I'm just guessing here but maybe this guys ability to keep his cool in adversity when you feel like loosing it is freaking you out on a subconcious level.

coffee_black

Hi Katie,

I had somewhat the same issue...my ex was, probably still is...extremely controlling (I haven't seen him in a couple of years now) When our son started refusing to go to the meetings (about age 11) he actually called the police to enforce the visitation schedule. My son was scared out of his mind.... which actually worked against my ex... because he won the battle that day, but lost the war. My son never became a jw.

I used to shake in my boots every time there was an issue with him... I figured out, finally that it went back to the jw submission thing..and here I was finally standing up to him....scary at the time, but eventually I grew out of that mindset. I'm not a confrontational person by nature, but standing up for my children was something that had to be done...and they relied on me to do it.

Your ex sounds like the kind of person who will keep pushing and is used to getting his way. Stand your ground. You have the stronger position.

Coffee

katiekitten

Coffee & Ballistic you are right.

And I forgot, but the Witness submission thing does play a part. I know it sounds totally stupid but I have always felt men were somehow better than me even though I have spent all my life fighting that very same thought at a conscious level. (its hell inside my brain!)

I ended up, in my 20's, being one of those bloody annoying feminists who fight every statement and get terribly huffy about everything, even when no offence could be inferred from it. Fighting my own demons really.

Ballistic is right, I just need to keep reassuring myself that actually nothing can happen, its just my over-active emotional response to it.

I AM BIG AND UGLY IF YOU CROSS ME, I AM A PLEASING SIZE 12 AND UGLY IN A METAPHORICAL WAY IF YOU CROSS ME...

ballistic

Hi Katie - I was a bit shocked to find out you were a feminist LOL, I normally don't get on well with feminists judging by some conversations I've had on this board, but you I like.

Anyway - I wanted to ask you if you're actually telling him how you feel. This is really important as bottled up emotions have no where to go and can stir themselves up into a frenzy.

Perhaps I'll tell you how I learnt about this but I don't want to digress from your thread.

G Money

I just mentioned the weapons of divorce. Realism dictates children of tender years have little free will, it is the will of the main custodial parent. What is the harm in more time with the father? I didn't quite get that or the detriment. If daughter doesn't like it is she disliking it to please mom? Ideally the parents should have an open relationship, allow the child freedom and to love both parents. I stand by my comments. While I worked on alot of cases and saw the BS, I'd strongly encouraged people to cooperate and not use their weapons. Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war.

What am I so scared of?

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