This one's kinda gross...heheheh A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had Spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Post Your Jokes Here Thread............
by Frannie Banannie 103 Replies latest social humour
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Frannie Banannie
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Frannie Banannie
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. -
Frannie Banannie
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults and therefore no time to war or argue.
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock Which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
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Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
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Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
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Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
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Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
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Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess. -
Frannie Banannie
The Most Powerful Word Well, SHIT...
Shit may just be the most
powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced,
shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.
With a little effort,
you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit
while others can't tell the
difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
and sweet shits.
There is bull shit,
chicken shit.
and horse shit
You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit
or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times
when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you swim in a lake
of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your
shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Have A Fun Day
You could pass this along if you give a shit...; ) -
Frannie Banannie
How to Hunt Polar Bear Have you ever hunted Polar Bear?
Its fun!
You cut a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around the hole. Then you hide.
You wait for the Polar Bears to come out.
When the bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole! -
Frannie Banannie
I'm gonna take a break from this thread for a little while.
It's YALL's turn now!
Frannie
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Frannie Banannie
"Internet Tips!"
Is housework and chores keeping you away from the internet?
Here are some sure fire short cuts that will have you back online in no time!
Simply close the lid of the toilet. Close the shower door or curtain. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can. That should hold you until you finally get someone to empty the trash. And then ... send the kids outside to the ol' wash tub.Laundry? Find a good place to hide it! Turn your clothes inside out and they will last another week. For odors, spray with cologne. If you absolutely need to do it, like you have no underwear (who needs underwear), wash them then stick them in the dryer. When it is time to fold them, DON'T! Just run the dryer to get out the wrinkles, when you need new clothes.
Call up a salesman for a vacuuming demonstration. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house. Insist that even though the carpet looks the same, it really is different in all parts of the house. Some valuable tips for success: Don't always call same company, keep a chart and rotate. If there are any stubborn spots that require scrubbing, recruit the cat. You may have to add some tuna water to a spot, in order to insure a thorough job. It's about time they earned their keep!Wash the car ? NAH ! Move it into the garage. You don't use it anyway. It's not like anyone is going to see you drive it!
If it doesn't come off in the dishwasher, call grandpa to come help. He's always willing to do anything for you. For really stubborn crud, just throw the dish out and start fresh. An even better idea, use paper plates, plastic utensils, paper napkins, etc. Write everyone's name on the plate or cup, so they can use it over n' over n' over.
Mowing problems solved! Raise goats for some extra income. Set them loose in the yard and they will keep the grass trimmed nice and neat. Plus, they'll eat any of the debris that gets in the yard. Sell them in the winter. Then, you can start with a new bunch in the spring.Now you have time for the net!
/body>
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Frannie Banannie
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride!"DARWIN AWARDS
Toilet Trap
2001 Honorable Mention
Confirmed by Darwin"Man held hostage by portable toilet." (31 January 2001, Pennsylvania) A Huntingdon Valley man who dropped his keys in a portable toilet became stuck in the facilities while trying to rescue them. He hollered for help for 45 minutes, and eventually children playing in a nearby field heard his cries and alerted their parents. Police were forced to demolish the portable toilet to extricate the man, who had been standing in the redolent muck without his shoes or pants for an hour and a half. Doctors treated him for cuts and bruises, and removed the toilet seat wedged around his hips. We speculate that his ego may never recover its original size.
DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2005
Submitted by: E. Carter , D Johnson
Reference: Gainesville (Florida) Sun, The Associated Press -
Frannie Banannie
Subject: Women over 50
>
>
> Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney
>
>As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most
>of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
>
>A woman over 50 will not lay next to you in bed and
>ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what
>you think.
>
>
>
> If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game,
>she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does
>something she wants to do. And, it's usually
>something more interesting.
>
>A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be
>assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants
>and from whomever.
>
>Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you
>might think about her or what she's doing.
>
>Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a
>screaming match with you at the opera or in the
>middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
>deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if
>they think they can get away with it.
>
>Older women are generous with praise, often
>undeserved. They know what it's like to be
>unappreciated.
>
>A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce
>you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man
>will often ignore even her best friend because she
>doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over
>50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her
>friends because she knows her friends won't betray
>her.
>
>Women get psychic as they age. You never have to
>confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always
>know.
>
>A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red
>lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag
>queens.
>
>
>Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50
>is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
>
>
>Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell
>you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting
>like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you
>stand with her.
>
>
>Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of
>reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For
>every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of
>50+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants
>making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old
>waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
>
>
>For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you
>can get the milk for free." Here's an update for
>you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage,
>why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an
>entire Pig, just to get a little sausage. -
Frannie Banannie
Subject: The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good Laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks.... But Chocolate sings.
2001 Honorable Mention