1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER? You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam.
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE? Polaroids.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A stick
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? Nacho cheese
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? Quatro sinko.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? Spoiled milk
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A
VAMPIRE? Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES? A
nervous wreck
11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS? Right where you left him.
12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS? Because they have big fingers
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? Because it scares the
hell out of the dog
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? Sanka.
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.
17. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN? Because they
wear their belt buckles on their hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD
SKYDIVER? A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn,
whack.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it.
20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT Tame way, unique up on it.
21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS? Skeet.
22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.
An Amish drive-by-shooting.
23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE
SAME? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer
Post Your Jokes Here Thread............
by Frannie Banannie 103 Replies latest social humour
-
Frannie Banannie
-
Frannie Banannie
From George Carlin...
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 a piece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1
enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
Imponderables:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then it dawned onme they're cramming for
their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them
while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. How come no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning?
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? -
Frannie Banannie
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.(Much worse than "going blind!")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world, that even comes close to this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)
Where are the applications for Guam? -
Frannie Banannie
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion...
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think
for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's
doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or
tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second
Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to
you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are
groups to help you stop. -
Frannie Banannie
--THE TEENAGER AND CAT CONNECTION:
For all of you with teenagers or who have had
teenagers, have you ever noticed how much they have in
common with cats?
Here's a list of some common characterisitics:
--1.
Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you
call them by name.
--2.
No matter what you do for them, it is not enough.
Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to
compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand
and foot.
--3.
You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with
an adult human being, and it can be safely said that
no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen
in public with his or her parents.
--4.
Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither
your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
--5.
No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
--6.
Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for
hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
--7.
Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they
do.
--8.
Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy - a sense of
complete and utter boredom.
--9.
Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
--10.
Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been
known to return in the middle of the night to deposit
a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above
that sort of behavior.
So, if you must raise teenagers, it could be that your
best source of advice is not other parents, but vets!
It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at
hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put
out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their
direction. When they make up their minds, they will
finally come to you for some affection and comfort,
and it will be a grand moment for everyone! -
Frannie Banannie
Subject: Bathroom Walls >|--------------------------------------| >| | >| | >| Friends don't let friends | >| take home ugly men | >| Women's restroom | >| Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE | >| | >|-------------------------------------------------| >| | >| The best way to a man's heart | >| is to saw his breast plate open. | >| Women's restroom | >| Murphy's, Champaign, IL | >|--------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| Beauty is only a light switch away. | >| Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC | >| | >|--------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| I've decided that to raise my grades | >| I must lower my standards. | >| Houghton Library | >| Harvard University, Cambridge, MA | >| | >|--------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| If life is a waste of time, | >| and time is a waste of life, | >| then let's all get wasted together | >| and have the time of our lives. | >| Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC | >| | >|---------------------------------------------------| >| | >| Remember, it's not, | >| "How high are you?" | >| it's | >| "Hi, how are you?" | >| Rest stop off Route 81, West | >| Virginia | >| | >|----------------------------------| >| | >| God made pot. | >| Man made beer. | >| Who do you trust? | >| The Irish Times, Washington, | >| DC | >| | >|-----------------------------------------------| >| | >| Fighting for peace is like | >| screwing for virginity. | >| The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO | >| | >|------------------------------------------------| >| | >| No matter how good she looks, | >| some other guy is sick and tired | >| of putting up with her crap. | >| Men's Room | >| Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC | >| | >|---------------------------------------------------| >| | >| To do is to be. - Descartes | >| To be is to do. - Voltaire | >| Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra | >| Men's restroom | >| Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ | >| | >|----------------------------------------------------| >| | >| At the feast of ego | >| everyone leaves hungry. | >| Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, | >| Tucson, AZ | >| | >|------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| It's hard to make a comeback | >| when you haven't been anywhere. | >| Written in the dust | >| on the back of a bus, | >| Wickenburg, AZ | >| | >|------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| Make love, not war. | >| -Hell, do both | >| GET MARRIED! | >| Women's restroom | >| The Filling Station, Bozeman, MO| >| | >|--------------------------------------------| >| | >| God is dead. - Nietzsche | >| Nietzsche is dead. - God | >| The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC | >| | >|---------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| | >| If voting could really change things, | >| it would be illegal. | >| Revolution Books | >| New York, New York. | >| | >|---------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| A Woman's Rule of Thumb: | >| If it has tires or testicles, | >| you're going to have trouble with it. | >| Women's restroom | >| Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX | >| | >|----------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| If pro is opposite of con, | >| then what is the opposite of progress? | >| Congress! | >| Men's restroom | >| House of Representatives, Washington, DC | >| | >|------------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| Express Lane: | >| Five beers or less | >| Sign over one of the | >| urinals | >| Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ | >| | >|-------------------------------------------| >| | >| You're too good for him. | >| Sign over mirror in Women's restroom | >| Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA. | >| | >|---------------------------------------------------------------| >| | >| No wonder you always go home alone. | >| Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, | >| Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA |
-
hibiscusfire
Frannie banana: Is that you in the picture?
Did you have that done professionally e.g with quickstar?
Here is my joke:
Confucius say, "Man who scratches ass should not bite
fingernails"Hibiscusfire
-
Frannie Banannie
> > Subject: FW: SIX AFFAIRS
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > > > >The First Affair
> > > > >A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
> their
> > > > >passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
> made
> > > > >passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild s*x, they
> fell
> > > > >asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his
clothes,
> he
> > > > >told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the
> grass
> > > > >and dirt.Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his
> > > > >shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when
> he
> > > > >entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having
an
> > > > >affair with my secretary and we've been having s*x all afternoon. I
> > > > >fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
> > > > >The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard!
> > > > >You've been playing golf!".
> > > > >
> > > > >The Second Affair
> > > > >There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
> > > > >teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the
> son
> > > > >they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
> > > > >pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months
> > > > >later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new
son.
> > > > >He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
> ever
> > > > >seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could
be
> > > > >the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
> > > > >fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been
> > > > >fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not
> this
> > > > >time!"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >The Third Affair
> > > > >A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
> the
> > > > >dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As
> he
> > > > >examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
> > > > >made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part
he
> > > > >had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but
I
> > > > >can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private
> part
> > > > >like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
> > > > >With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
> > > > >scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The
> > > > >first person he showed it to was his wife.
> > > > >"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
> > > > >opened up his briefcase.
> > > > >"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
> > > > >
> > > > >The Fourth Affair
> > > > >A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening
> > > > >the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she
> > > > >quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with
talcum
> > > > >powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
> pretend
> > > > >you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
> > > > >entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
> "The
> > > > >Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one
> for
> > > > >us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when
they
> > > > >went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of
bed,
> > > > >went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and
a
> > > > >glass of milk.
> > > > >"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot
> > > > >at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
> glass
> > > > >of water."
> > > > >
> > > > >The Fifth Affair
> > > > >A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and
> > > > >asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
> > > > >"One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
> > > > >The bartender replied, "Yes."
> > > > >So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a
> nicejuicy
> > > > >T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
> > > > >"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real
money."
> > > > >"How much money?" inquires the man.
> > > > >"4 cents," the bartender replied.
> > > > >"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
> > > > >place?"
> > > > >The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
> > > > >The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
> > > > >The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
> > > > >
> > > > >The Sixth Affair
> > > > >Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil
> > > > >by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her
face.
> > > > >Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
> > > > >lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush
> my
> > > > >love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he
> > > > >said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
> > > > >"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
> "everything's
> > > all
> > > > >right, go to sleep."
> > > > >"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your
> > > sister,your
> > > > >best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
> > > > >"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned
you." -
ballistic
Mike Englishman once told a joke on here about Viagra...
It was about how all the old men in an old people's home got given a viagra tablet at night... apparently it was to stop them rolling out of bed.
-
Frannie Banannie
> Subject: Fw: Never Try to outsmart a woman
>
>
> >
> >
> > >
> > > > > > >A man calls home to his wife and says,
> > > > > > >"Honey I have been
> > > > > > >asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss
> > > > > > >and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is
> > > > > > >a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
> > > > > > >wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a
> > > > > > >week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from
> > > > > > >the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
> > > > > > >Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good
wife
> > > > > > >she does exactly what her husband asked. the following week-
> > > > > > >end he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The
> > > > > > >wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He
> > > > > > >says yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But
> > > > > > >why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you
> > > > > > >to do?
> > > > > > >The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."
> > > > > > >Women will ALWAYS outsmart men...