by Frannie Banannie 103 Replies latest social humour
Mike Englishman once told a joke on here about Viagra...It was about how all the old men in an old people's home got given a viagra tablet at night... apparently it was to stop them rolling out of bed.
(snicker, snort) ooooh, that's gooood, Ballistic & Eman!
Things You Should Have Learned Already
**If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
**Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
**Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
**Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
**If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
**My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
**Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
**It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
**For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
**If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
**Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
**A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
**Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
**Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
**No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
**A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
**Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
**Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
**Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
**There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
**Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
**By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
**Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
**Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
**It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
**Life is most easily understood looking backward-but it is best
lived looking forward.
Subject: FW: Powder your nose A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says,"Will you excuse me? I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then," says the little girl, "you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out." |
Religious Convention For Deaf And Blind Likely To Return
Tampa Tribune, FL -
``There's definitely a plan in the works to come back next year,'' said Duane King, a spokesman for the sponsor, Jehovah's Witnesses. ...
------ Jehovah's Witnesses are the 'deaf and blind'
> > THE URINE ANALYSIS............
> > One day, in line at
> > the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him:
> > "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a
> > doctor.
> > "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
> > Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the
> > corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the
> > computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
> > about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten
> > dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
> > So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and
> > takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars,
> > and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
> > sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
> > Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a
> > printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
> > water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
> > weeks.
> > That evening while thinking how amazing this new
> > technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer
> > could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
> > sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
> > daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and
> > masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack
> > hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the
> > results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
> > concoction, and awaits the results.
> > The computer prints the following:
> > 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> > 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> > 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.
> > 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
> > 5. Your Volvo needs repair.
> > 6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
> > get better.
Frannie banana: Is that you in the picture?Did you have that done professionally e.g with quickstar?
Here is my joke:
Confucius say, "Man who scratches ass should not bite
fingernails"Hibiscusfire
Yes, Hibiscusfire. My daughter dragged me off to Glamour Shots back in 2001 and I just scanned one of the proofs onto my computer.
LOLOL! I should hope not!!! (re: fingernails)
Frannie
Religious Convention For Deaf And Blind Likely To Return
Tampa Tribune, FL -
``There's definitely a plan in the works to come back next year,'' said Duane King, a spokesman for the sponsor, Jehovah's Witnesses. ... ------ Jehovah's Witnesses are the 'deaf and blind'
Danny, no joking?
Frannie (of the tongue in cheek class)
1. Food has replaced sex in my life ... now I can't even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
16. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
18. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
19. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
22. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
23. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
24. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.
5 secrets to a perfect relationship: 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
> > The Perks of Being over 40
> >
> > THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
> > 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
> > 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
> > 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
> > 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
> > 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
> > 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
> > 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
> > 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
> > 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
> > 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
> > 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
> > 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
> > 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
> > 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
> the
> > room.
> > 15. You sing along with elevator music.
> > 16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
> > 17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
> > 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
> weather
> > service.
> > 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
> remember
> them
> > either.
> > 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
> > 21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
> >
> > GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
> > 1. Sag, You're it.
> > 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
> > 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
> > 4. Kick the bucket.
> > 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
> > 6. Doc Doc Goose.
> > 7. Simon says something incoherent.
> > 8. Hide and go pee.
> > 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
> > 10. Musical recliners.
> >
> > SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
> > 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
> > 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using
> you
> to
> > heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not
> amused,
> > you shoot him.
> > 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
> > 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
> you
> four
> > hours of decent rest.
> > 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
> > 6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
> field
> trip
> > to Chippendales.
> >
> > SIGNS OF WEAR
> > "OLD" IS WHEN.....
> > 1.Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"and you answer,
>
> "Pick
> > one, I can't do both!"
> > 2.Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
> barefoot.
> > 3.A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
> door.
> > 4.Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
> > 5.You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
> have to
> go
> > along.
> > 6.You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
> police.
> > "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
