Post Your Jokes Here Thread............

by Frannie Banannie 103 Replies latest social humour

Frannie Banannie

DOCTORS VS. GUNS
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
( C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health &Human Services.

Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that
is 80 million.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year all age groups
is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban
doctors before this gets completely out of hand !!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the
statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic
and seek medical attention !
Frannie Banannie

So.....a 2 letter word has a hundred completely different meanings.
So what is this stuff about English being easy? There is a two-letter
Word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and
That is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of
The list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is
it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
The silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is
stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the
dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes almost 1/4th the page
and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give
UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so.............I'll shut UP.....!

What an UP lifting message.

Must be careful, too much 7UP could make you throw UP and that would
Be UPsetting.
Frannie Banannie

>SON OF A BITCH FISH
>
>
>The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip
he
>hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
>
>
>The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of A
>Bitch!
>
>
>"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
>
>
>"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch Fish!"
>
>
>"Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
>
>
>Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
>
>
>"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
>
>
>"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
>
>
>"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son
of
>a Bitch!"
>
>
>Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
>
>
>While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
about
>his trip.
>
>
>"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
>
>
>Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
>
>
>"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch
>Fish!"
>
>
>"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
>
>
>"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of
>A Son of a Bitch."
>
>
>Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
>visit in a few days and
>that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
>
>
>"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was
>cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
>
>
>"What are you doing Sister?"
>
>
>"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's
>dinner."
>
>
>"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset!
>Please watch your language!"
>
>
>"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
>
>
>"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
and
>that Son of a Bitch
>can be the main course! Let me know when you've > finished cleaning
that
>Son of a Bitch."
>
>
>On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
>
>
>The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the
>fish was excellent.
>
>
>The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
>
>
>"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
>
>
>The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
>
>
>"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
>
>
>The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
>
>
>The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
>recipe!
>
>
>The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
>
>
>Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,
>
>
>"You fuckers are my kind of people!"
Frannie Banannie

1.Men are like .......Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.

2.Men are like ....... Bananas .... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like ....... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them..

4.Men are like ....... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5.Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6.Men are like ...... Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.

7.Men are like ...... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8.Men are like ....... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like ..... Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like ...... Popcorn . .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like . Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like ..... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13.Men are like ....... Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Frannie Banannie

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, just to add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Frannie Banannie

"A true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though they knowyou are slightly cracked."
Frannie Banannie
Frannie Banannie

>Tim was going to be married to April, so his father
>sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says,
>"Tim, let me tell you something. On my wedding
>night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants,
>handed them to your mother, and said, here - try
>these
>on." So, she did and said, "These are too big, I
>can't wear them". I replied, "...exactly. I wear
>the pants in this family and I always will." Ever
>since that night we have never had any problems."
>Hmmm,"
>says Tim. He thinks that might be a good thing to
>try.
>So on his honeymoon, Tim takes off his pants and
>says
>to April, "Here try these on." So she does and says,
>"these are too large, they don't fit me." Tim says,
>"...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I
>always will, and I don't want you to ever forget
>that." Then April takes off her pants and hands them
>to Tim and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he
>does
>and
>says, "I can't get into your pants." April says,
>"...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass
>
>attitude, you never will."
Frannie Banannie

.After getting all of Pope Benedict XVI's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, your holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Frannie Banannie

TRADITIONAL VERSION: (The one you learned in elementary school, when there was still some sanity in America)
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION: (The one that applies now in this upside down society we live in, where America has become an insane asylum, and the inmates are in charge)
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, saving his money, paying his taxes, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CNN, CBS, NBC, and ABC (not Fox) show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is taxed and fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs, and, with nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, fines and legal judgement, his home is confiscated by the government.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Post Your Jokes Here Thread............

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