i was going through my things the other day and i came across a journal i used to keep at quite a young age.
the mentality there is just scary.
i was quite the budding writer with my big words but can you see all the canned thoughts and phrases lifted from the dubs and dropped into my grammar and writing style.
reading that just really made me cry. when i was a child i used to pray to jehovah to make my stepfather not hurt my mother and myself. I thought if i could just be good enough and set the best example he would see that we were good children and love us and be a good father. after ten years of their marriage i prayed to jah and asked him why he couldn't release us from our horrible situation. i sat with a razor in my hand telling myself I just couldn't do it anymore. the only reason I didn't is because my stepfather called for me and I got in trouble for still being awake. i quit keeping a journal at the age of 12 because my stepfather used to read them. they were all about how much I hated him and couldn't wait for the paradise when he would be forced to be a perfect husband and father. i am glad that I destroyed that one journal years ago.
keep it as a reminder if you need to. but i think sometimes it is good to release it because you will never forget and the reminder only brings pain.
can anyone relate and help with the nagging doubts that it really was the"truth" and we are all doing the wrong thing and being misled.
i have read a lot of information to sway me from the witnesses and to think it is only a man made religion, but still i fear i could be wrong and going against god.
how do you all deal with this feeling that surely most have experienced.
by the way, sorry for the typos. typing faster than my brain is spilling it all out. i could really write an essay for each post because there is just so much coming out right now. i guess i let the floodgates open. or maybe i'm possessed. ha!ha!
can anyone relate and help with the nagging doubts that it really was the"truth" and we are all doing the wrong thing and being misled.
i have read a lot of information to sway me from the witnesses and to think it is only a man made religion, but still i fear i could be wrong and going against god.
how do you all deal with this feeling that surely most have experienced.
Seattleniceguy you said it really well. I left ten years ago and put it aside. that is why i am here now. I haven't dealt with it. didn't even deal with religion or god for years. even defended the witnesses and told people to talk to them. I still had a nagging fealing they were the truth because it was too hard to think they weren't. and the fear and guilt would set in. I had nightmares about armageddon for years. then my beginning four years ago my siblings began to leave one by one. my eldest sister was so hardcore in the organization that for her to leave it was really an eyeopener. it was her that told me to come to this site. she said that scully really helped her through a lot. when she began to reveal the hypocrisy such as the pedophilia coverups,etc. I really began to listen
I still don't know what i believe, I just know that for now I must avoid organized religion because I need to examine everything from the outside looking in. but therapy is a good start. you need to work on yourself and other inner demons before you can truly tackle the effects of the cult. just be open to any knowledge no matter how far out it may seem. then you slowly, and I mean slowly, formulate your own faith.
thank you to everyone else. I keep following sam's posts because you all seem to be talking to me too.
i really can understand the meaning of hate now........ i truley hate what the cult of the watchtower has done to me and my family.... my son was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 20,,,,(his uncle on his dads side also had the disease around that time ))) as some of you know he ended up in jail and a prison term because of things he did while in his schizophrenic state....all the while he was disassociated from the witnesses ,,,so he received no help from the loving elder body ( of vipers)....even when he was in jail,, an elder came to study with the lost ones... and because he knew of my sons situation would not allow him to comment at the prison study.....
but he goes faithfully and sits by himself in his tattered clothes in the back....as we all know the drill....some how he gets back in.... i am devastated..as i have 3 children who never will go back because of their sadistic ,, annointed father and stepfather......who molested his own daughter.....( another horrible story)l its hard for me to write ,,, i hope you will put up with me ,, those of you who know me and even those who dont...this is my therapy... i must write it out....well as it goes he is not welcomed back.. its all for show,,,he cant stop smoking....and so he goes off his meds and is living in the streets...with no help or support from the brothers ,,,a term i use very loosely....he missed the district convention,, because no one could find him and then ......they find him to corner him like a rat (knowing fullwell of his mental condition ) and they disfellowship him......the anger and rage that i feel...is uncontrollable at times......i hate ,, i hate ,,,, i hate so much of what they did to me and sooo many other ss ......forgive me ....this freaking cult needs to be destroyed... once and for all,,, and i will not rest until i rescue my last child from its grip.......( i have one daughter whos 18 that is still in)))) i am cryingso hard now its hard to type,,thank you for hearing my story,,, its just a very small part of what me and my family have been thru ...thanks for listening and peace to you my dear friends...
oh wildfire kls is right. the more you let hate and anger eat you up the more they have one because you won't be happy. as much as it may hurt you have to remember that your son is mentally ill and he may never let go of the fear of leaving the organization. all you can do is love him and enjoy the times you have. as far as your daughter just do the same. talk to her about her future and her choices. encourage her to not marry young like so many do.
my heart goes out to you. my sister is mentally ill and did not receive any medication or therapy growing up because the elders told her all she needed was counselling from the bible and discipline. she has tried to commit suicide four times. she left when I did about ten years ago but it has taken this long to get in a good place. she still has problems and always will but thank god she did not succeed with her attempts.
it is really hard when it is your child but you can only do so much and the left is up to them. they both know you are there for them. keep it open for them to come to you no matter what and they will always remember that. unconditional love always prevails.
moved all over the united states growing up so that my stepfather could outrun his "reputation".
he always blamed it on me and my sisters saying that we tarnished his rep with lies about him.
they weren't lies they were the truth and we didn't even have to tell anyone they figured it out on their own.. anyway, went from one coast to the other and back.
Moved all over the United States growing up so that my stepfather could outrun his "reputation". He always blamed it on me and my sisters saying that we tarnished his rep with lies about him. They weren't lies they were the truth and we didn't even have to tell anyone they figured it out on their own.
Anyway, went from one coast to the other and back. Lived in Ashland, Oregon until 4th grade (left in 1984). Then lived in Springfield, Missouri (Parkview Congregation and left in 1989)) until 9th grade. Then went on to Stafford, Virginia until I was disfellowshipped at 19.
Looking for a couple people that were close friends that I know have left but don't know where they are at.
You don't necessarily need a formal "replacement". I don't know about you all but I can't get with organized religion at all. it just all seems like hypocrisy to me. You have to just explore what you think is true. don't just look at religion. look at everything. then meditate on it and decide what you think is possible. It doesn't mean you have to formulate a concrete answer. this may be difficult after having all the "answers" spoon fed to so that you didn't have to think or decide. Life is a journey and we may never know all the answers but just live a good life and surround yourself with only positive energy and people.
I am just so glad you are here. That is how they get you, with guilt and fear. life is about being happy and living to the fullest. You can do that as a JW because you are controlled and repressed. It is a brainwashing. They punish you when you don't fall under the control and reward you only when you follow their molded formula. A mindless mold where someone else thinks for you.
don't let your over zealous sister get to your guilt center again. it takes a lot to make a stand not to be a witness and you have to suffer the shunning and rejection. I had three siblings ripped away from me for almost 7 years. Now I don't know them at all. It tears me up but I wouldn't change being out for anything. Now I am happy to say that all of us are out and rebuilding the bridges.
You have to look at it this way. No one lives your life but you. You know what will make you happy and you have to search for what you believe and go with it. It is an individual journey and no one else can make your life choices for you.
I don't feel so bad. You all are just about as pathetic as me. How many reports have we all done on the history of music as we sat in the library during music class at christmas time. Jingle bells was the only "winter" song I could sing too and I sound it the loudest in the group.
My daughter learns them at school and wants me to sing them too. You can buy sheet music at a music store or instrument shop. Look online for lyrics. Also the school music teacher could probably give you a copy.
Did her husband get custody? If they are still married then she has every right to go and get him. she needs to file for divorce first. This is important because then in order to change what she outlines in the divorce, such as custody, her husband would have to pay to hire a lawyer and contest it. He would foot more of the costs. If she doesn't have much money, check legal aid through the county. Most judges will be sympathetic to her case especially if her son is interviewed by the judge and he tells the judge what he has been told. Worst case scenario she only gets visitation. She can make the most of it and only hope that when he gets older he makes his own decisions.
good luck. (oh no I said luck, the demons are going to get me!!)
This is my first time here also. however, I was raised a JW and left as an adult. It has now been ten years and I am in therapy trying to deal with my life as a JW. It is very controlling and no the people on this site are not exaggerating. I just sat and read only a couple of threads and it is like a breath of fresh air to see others that feel the way that I do. My friends who did not grow up as JW can understand the whole controlling thing about religion and using it as a tool to punish and put fear in you. However, they do not understand the magnitude of it. The JWs are a cult and the reason they are is because the control is not just in the ten commandments and make sure you go to bible study on sunday, they try and control every aspect of your life. No joke. My mother lived with an abusive man for 10 years until her death. She had to ask the elders if she could leave him so she wouldn't be disfellowshiped. They basically told her that unless he commits adultery she cannot. They said she could separate briefly if she thought her life was in danger but they would eventually have to get back together. She was so worried about being destroyed in Armageddon and not seeing her children that she stayed with him and as a result we had to grow up this way. It was a nightmare. On her deathbed she said that it was a relief to leave the pain and finally rest and her only consulation in dying was that she knew she had remained faithful to Jah and she would see us in the Paradise. Her life was miserable!!!! God wouldn't want us to be miserable. He created us to find happiness. Just because Adam and Eve sinned does not mean that everyone should be punished forever. My mother didn't know she was marrying an abusive man. Why should she be punished? God is not that evil.
I guess I really went off there. it feels so good to let it out. Please continue to read this website and look for more information on your own too. Look to God for your spiritual food, not the Governing Body.
