(((hugs))) xnmad
You are not the only one who turned to substances to survive, I do hope though at this time if you are indulging in substances to survive you will find a way out. There are many avenues out there to do so, you only have to chose one..
When I was disassociated at age 16, I was devestated beyond belief. My heart was mortally wounded! I had already left home due to bad circumstances and had tried to commit suicide, but failed, which I am forever grateful for.
From the age of 16 (nearly 17) to almost 19 I indulged in a lifestyle that should have destroyed me or killed me, but it didnt. Although I did not die with the attempted suicide, my soul truly wished to die due to the intense overwhelming pain I carried within me for the loss of everything I knew. The life I led for two years was one of self destruction, starting from basic pot smoking, heavy drinking and clubbing, to heavier drugs like cocaine.
Shortly before I turned 19, I woke up, I really can't say what it was that triggered me to wake up, but I knew that the life I was living was not for me. It was not me. I saw the pain and suffering of those around me so clearly, and I knew that I needed to run from this self destructive path.
Sadly the only way I knew of at that time to stop this destructive path was to return to the organization. I moved back home, (blocked off the past) was reunited with my family, stopped smoking, doing drugs and drinking all within a week, and returned to the organization.
I lasted a year after returning before I walked away without looking back for the last time. An experience left me completely disillusioned, I could no longer morally involve myself with this religion any longer, so I left. (Looking back now at this moment in time, perhaps it was the step needed to help me move on in life.)
Fortunately for me, and again I don't know why, perhaps it was having already experienced the lost life of drugs and alcohol, I never did return to that way of coping. I became a complete health fanatic, and lived a drug free life. I did though live many years, lost and confused, and still carried overwhelming pain for the loss of my family. Although I wasnt officially disassociated or disfellowshiped upon my last departure, my family due to the reasons I left, did turn their backs on me again.
What I turned to at this time, instead of drugs and alcohol was counselling to deal with my unresolved issues. The journey from then to now has been a long journey, but could not have been survived mentally clear without seeking out a counselor to help me through it. I so much wish that at the beginning of this journey I had found a group of people like I have found within this forum, this would have escalated the healing of my soul much faster.
So many people along this journey told me not to allow my past to control me and continue to hurt me. Although it took a long time to take control of my life, and live for me, this was the one message that stuck in my brain and drove me forward to fight the past.
I urge you whole heartedly to spend time here and seek out support to help you move forward to a life you truly deserve. Because no matter what your mind says, no matter what the past says, you deserve to live free from the pain you feel caused by this organization.
Warm hugs to you xnmad, thank you for sharing (stay strong)
LTF
p.s. I need to share at this time in my life I do enjoy a little wine now and then, and even less occasionally a little happy smoke, I need to be honest about that, but now it is not for survival, it is simply a social moment.
