Dan,
I am not a frequent poster but I have followed your story - the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly. As another Daniel we know so well wrote, I will leave it to "the reader to use discernment" as to which elements of your story fit where. Anyhow, if you've read any of my posts you know that I have long been aboard the atheist, "how could god cause/allow such suffering," etc, etc, ad nauseum. Where I stand right now...I will say that the pendelum my be swinging, which is why I'm going to share something that has helped me in times past. Actually, there are a couple of things. When my confidence in the god of the Bible was stronger I often leaned heavily on the scripture in Corinthians that says that god won't allow you to be tempted beyond the things that you can bear. This was always helpful because I figured if god was in control he would allow only that which I could handle to come my way. Reasoning dictated then that whatever I was facing at the present must have been deemed handleable.
I also have been in situations that have tried my faith and, to a large degree it has been lost, so I will share with you something else that has given me help in times where faith was simply not with me. It was passed along to me by a math professor and it is about the only thing I can recall clearly from my time in that particular class. He was a Buddhist and he told of a time he went to Tibet where a monk told asked him two questions: If your problems have a solution why worry? If you problems have no solution why worry? Life, god, the universe, etc not only may but WILL throw things in all of our paths that may seem unscalable. Sometimes without the help of others, they most certainly would be. But I will finish with a final thought. Randy Pausch, a Professor with a beloved wife and family became famous for having been diagnosed with a particularly nasty form of cancer. He had the pleasure of knowing that he was going to die and was able to make arrangements ahead of time. He wrote a book entitled The Last Lecture and in it he said something along the lines of what I am about to say. Randy, may my paraphrasing do you justice. He said that the brick walls we encounter on our road of life are there for a reason and that reason is that we may demonstrate how much we want something or how much something means to us. He also stressed balance, like all of the great thinkers, philosophers, and teachers.
Dan, I hope that things begin to look up. Sometimes conclusions, as unpleasant and terrible as they may be at the time, are the beginnings of new chapters in the story that is life.
Cthulhu
