What if she never leaves JWs? (The interminable waiting period...) (page 2)

minimus

Part of you SOUNDS like you do want her to leave......She wanted you to be a MS or elder for HER, my friend. It's all about "respect" for HER! SHE will be given the recognition, something she craves. The Santa comment simply was to say, "What? Are you going to believe in everything that you learned was not true,now, too?" It's her way to get under your skin to get you to think. If you "love her more than breathing", then you can tolerate her disapproval as well as crying. Methinks that you understand the crappy position you're in. I don't think you want to live with anyone that doesn't ultimately deeply respect you.

moshe

My wife admitted she never loved me either and when I left the JW's she saw her chance to ditch me with the help and support of everyone in the KH. She even gave away her rights to almost 20 years of my pension in the divorce.. She was so sure that Armageddon was coming and she wouldn't need it and just wanted me out of her life ASAP. That was 17 years ago and in 7 more years she can start drawing Social Security. She is no longer a believing JW (fader) and I imagine she and her loser husband could use that pension money.

rebel8

She reacts with denial. To anything mentioned that could be perceived as a negative behavior on her part. I am only being "overly sensitive" and "too critical." Which makes it my fault. Although, honestly, how many ways can an eye roll or other plainly disdainful body language really be perceived?

I doubt things are going to progress in a positive direction until she is willing/able to take ownership of her own role and behaviors. By blaming you, she is leaving you with 2 choices, either accept blame for something you didn't cause and have no power to change, or leave the relationship (physically or emotionally). Perhaps she needs to hear that, either from you or a therapist.

Therapy shouldn't be about 1 person being the "identified patient" (i.e., the cause of all the problems), but about everyone taking responsibility for themselves and stepping up to the plate to make it work going forward. She probably isn't equipped to do that b/c of her religious indoctrination. She's been taught that there is only 1 right way to live your life, and if you don't do it that way, you are the cause of all the problems. In her mind, probably the only way to solve this "problem" is for you to return to the borg--she may not be able to envision any other possible way to have a good relationship.

OK, gotta get back to work now......Good luck!

Gill

((((((((( AuldSoul ))))))))

In the end the only person whose respect you need, is yourself.

Only then will others respect you also.

Try to just feel sorry for your wife and her sad JW mentality.

YOU are YOU, and YOU have to love yourself for others to follow suit.

Your wife's wanting you to be a MS or Elder is just total BS and you know that those titles are just a load of crap.

So! Be proud of yourself! You have made yourself a freeman, whereas your sad wife is still a slave, and a slave of a book publishing company at that.

So, who do you think deserves the most respect?

With your example of self respect, and calm observance, she can only come to her senses eventually, or else be doomed to a life of slavery. You just have to watch and wait for now.

gwyneth

(((AuldSoul))).

crazyblondeb

I really don't have anything to add!! I just wanted to jump in and say I love ya, dude!!

shelley

Satanus

I was concerned about losing your self respect. You may have lost hers, to a degree. No matter how much you love her, i don't see that that should stop you from occassionaly taking her to task if she goes too far over the line. From my experience, if a guy is able to throw down, that gets respect. Don't allow yourself to be her carpet!

S

If you lose, lose w respect.

AuldSoul

Minimus: If you "love her more than breathing", then you can tolerate her disapproval as well as crying.

There is another way to look at the statement. I think, beneath it all, this has a lot to do with what happened back in May...I love her more than breathing. I am thinking it even has a lot to do with the intense anxiety I was writing about last week.

Minimus: She wanted you to be a MS or elder for HER, my friend. It's all about "respect" for HER! SHE will be given the recognition, something she craves. The Santa comment simply was to say, "What? Are you going to believe in everything that you learned was not true,now, too?" It's her way to get under your skin to get you to think.

I think that is spot on. I hadn't looked at it that way, but that fits every bit of what I have seen. That makes a few straggling pieces find their place in the puzzle. The only way for a woman to be admired in that cesspool of patriarchical thought is through her husband's JW progress/success. She thought I had potential.

I knew the "Santa" comment was a dig, because of how it felt, but I hadn't thought through exactly how. I am not too sure it was supposed to produce thought as much as shame and guilt.

Minimus: Part of you SOUNDS like you do want her to leave...

No part of me wants her to leave me. I only want to be free of the torment when in her presence. I have no control over that, really. Every fiber of my being wants her to leave JWs, but I also have no control over that.

rebel8: She's been taught that there is only 1 right way to live your life, and if you don't do it that way, you are the cause of all the problems. In her mind, probably the only way to solve this "problem" is for you to return to the borg--she may not be able to envision any other possible way to have a good relationship.

Maybe this is what is going on. Maybe this is what needs to be laid out clearly, dispassionately, for the two of us to talk out.

jgnat, maybe she will open up about it, maybe not. I suspect her reasons for choosing me were JW-centered reasons. That was not the case with me. I would have gravitated toward her even if she had never been a JW.

Thank you all, for giving your insights.

Respectfully,
AuldSoul

parakeet

No wonder you've been feeling down lately, AuldSoul. The thing I wonder about is if you had remained a "good" JW and become an elder, do you think your wife would have been happy then? or would she have had further goals in mind for you? If her disappointment in you is based on your lack of fulfilling her goals rather than in your character, then I suspect the respect she wants for you from the congregation is in reality respect she wants for herself.

If you are simply a means to an end she desires rather than an end in your own right, then your marriage may be in deep trouble. Not to disparage your wife, but I've known many JWs, including my mother, for whom the appearance of respectability matters above all else.

If I were a slender, pretty, popular, active JW with a slender, handsome, popular, active JW husband, my mother's cup would have runneth over. She has never seemed to care much whether or not my cup has anything in it. I've had to keep her at arm's length my whole adult life to keep her sarcastic digs (much like your wife's "Santa Claus" dig) from hurting me and my family. I've always felt she loves the idea of what she thinks I ought to be instead of just loving me. It's an incredibly painful realization.

I have no advice about what you should do. As more time goes by, your dilemma will become clearer and your choices obvious. We'll be waiting with you.

Thegoodgirl

Auld Soul,

Not sure what to say. It must be so so difficult to live with someone who has those feelings for you. I'm sure that if she was out of the JW cloud, she would suddenly have utmost respect for you, especially because you were smart enough to leave the BS before she was.

I wouldn't blame you either way you choose. I think communication is always helpful in my marriage. Keep telling her that she is making you feel like you aren't living up to what she wants you to be. Keep telling her that she is sending the message that you aren't good enough. Keep telling her. Maybe she'll eventually get the point that you are a person who needs to be respected, not just her and her feelings of who she wants you to be.

What if she never leaves JWs? (The interminable waiting period...)

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