(((AULDSOUL))) sorry man. I cant add much but what Gill said pretty much matches my thoughts.
You are my dawg man, I feel bad for ya. May things work out for ya.
- wac
What if she never leaves JWs? (The interminable waiting period...)
by AuldSoul 87 Replies latest jw friends
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Mary
Abaddon said: For me this was a no brainer as when I got to the point of leaving the Borg my then wife had destoyed the love I had for her by repeated cruelty. Part of that cruelty was due to me disappointing her expectations.......I didn't turn out to be the theocratic force she wanted. Thus I got "her disapproval, her disappointment, her regret over my choices".
Ya, sounds exactly like someone else I know. That really sucks Abaddon but at least you could see it and got out. Too many Witness families employ emotional blackmail on you when you leave, and try making you feel guilty for 'disappointing' them. In reality, they're pissed off that they've lost their social position in the congregation because what could possibly be more embarassing than having a family member who's DF'd or DA'd?
I think anyone living indefinately in an environment where they can never do enough, where they are always at fault, where they are always wrong, are consigning themselves to a life of misery... and you don't deserve that.
No one does. And I don't think anyone should sacrifice their dignity or self-worth to anyone who is willing to put their religion ahead of their own marriage.
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OUTLAW
AuldSoul..This gets worse as I read it..You feel:"She married you for the JW qualifications you represented."..AuldSoul,you feel she married you because of what she thought you could give her,not who you were..Thats harsh my man..Thats like marrying somebody because thier becoming a Brain Surgeon..It dosen`t matter who they are,as long as their becoming a Brain Surgeon..Your wife is going to have to decied if she loves you..If she dosen`t,get the hell out..I promise you,it will only tear you to pieces if you stay...OUTLAW
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The wanderer
Dear Brandon:
After having read your of account, I must say I am sorry
that you are having to under go these types of circum-
stances.
However, from a positive perspective have you considered
trying some marriage counseling? I am not saying this
is the cure all, just another alternative.
Some kind of pro-action must take place Brandon, because
if it does not, there maybe a "wearing" away of your
love for your wife.
Either way, things need to be talked out and throughly,
because this could become a potentially un-healthy
living situation.
Very Respectfully,
Richard
(The Wanderer) -
johnny cip
Auld soul: i'm very sorry what your dealing with. i'll give a few suggestions. which you don't have to use. when she asks if you beleive in santa? i've had this arguement with jw's many times. say well santa is a childs fairy tale. kids get a few gifts and grow out of it. when they get a little older. and figure out it was mommy that went to the store and was santa. now the child a little older, respects that mommy was nice enough to spend her $$$$$ and have a nice holiday. bottom line there was no harm. and the child grows up. now on to the fairy tale of the fds being god's gov't on earth today. and the holy sprit is guiding their every penned word. when you grow as a christian and find that you were scammed ( i forget the verse that your not a child anylonger and now eat real food) the point being made is that you don't believe in fairy tales (santa) your a mature adult . you don't need to believe in the wts. it's all a fairy tale. this is a long argument but i think you get the point. you have to at times slow her down when she's kicking you. and make her see the faults in her4 reasoning. and you don't have to yell and scream to do this. just point out facts. best wishes. john
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AuldSoul
Well, thanks again to everyone. I have not been facing this honestly. I suppose I haven't wanted to do so. But now that I am facing this, it becomes clear that I do have a line in the sand, and have had it, all the time. I mean, I knew about the fidelity line, but this one has surprised me.
I don't like the consequences of doing something about it, so I haven't done anything about it (or even admitted it to myself), as my line has been trampled all over. Ultimately, even though I love her more than breathing, when it comes right down to it my integrity means even more to me than that.
A respectful confrontation is in order. Some hard choices have to be faced, some hard realities expressed, some needed tears shed. I will always love her, whatever she chooses to do as a result of our conversation. But, as I said to someone else not too long ago (two weeks?) about a situation they were in, loving someone doesn't mean you can endure living with them. Maybe I was telling myself something I really needed to hear, something very important that was trying to find its way into my conscious thoughts.
I need to accept, really accept, that I have no influence on her decisions, actions, attitudes, beliefs, etc. beyond the influence she permits. There is only one side of the equation I can control. I need to sort out how much of her influence on me I am willing to permit and, to be true to myself, I need to give her opportunity to demonstrate what her choices will be.
(((Doubting Bro))),
I think her disapproval is probably a natural reaction to your rejecting both of your lifelong beliefs.
She was raised Church of God and Christ.
Or does it mean she still holds out hope that you'll return to the flock?
Indeed, she does.
OUTLAW: Your wife is going to have to decied if she loves you.
"Harsh" is the right word. You never want to get 8+ years into a marriage and contemplate that as an optional thing. You want to confidently go about life sure of at least this being true.
Richard: However, from a positive perspective have you considered trying some marriage counseling?
I recommended it. She won't go along with it. She believes (probably correctly believes) that her religious beliefs will be brought up in a negative light in that context.
Richard: ...this could become a potentially un-healthy living situation.
I think it already has, for me. Probably for her, as well, although I don't think it affects her quite the same. Minimus was right about me not being very thick-skinned.
Respectfully,
AuldSoul -
bebu
((((AS))))
On the second point, that is what I am trying to puzzle out. I had not thought it was possible until this past week. The "Santa" dig was last night.
Well, it seems she is willing to have "spiritual conversations" with you as long as they are barbs at you.
I fully agree with Satanus that you cannot allow her to be disrespectful to you. If she is going to be afforded the ability to vent her frustrations, insist on boundaries of respect--and that you also have the same rights and boundaries to vent. Fair is fair, and if she doesn't like fair, well, you are the head of the household (if you want to play tough). It's fair or nothing.
Waiting is always an uncertain game. It seems that some spouses take many years to come around. Respect for you might be the marriage preservative you need during these cold months before spring.
bebu
Edited to add: I was typing this while you were posting!
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Finally-Free
The pioneer™ sister™ I married was the quintessential “company man”. I was a pioneer™ too, but had no other cult titles. My wife had high hopes that I’d “make progress”, else she would never have married me. Position and popularity was very important to her, and she had neither. I believe she hoped to gain it through my acquisition of titles. I was “used” in the congregation, but had little hope of advancing in the hierarchy. I was an adult convert, with a colourful “worldly” past. The elders said that I was “not malleable enough” to make progress, but said I should keep “reaching out”. After 20 years as a JW, 20 years of doing everything asked of me and covering everyone else’s ass as well, I never received a title.
As the years went by I realized that she never “loved” me in the first place. She consented to marry me in the same year it was announced that Gilead™ was no longer accepting applications from single sisters™. Gilead™ was her lifelong dream, and I was the only remaining single brother™ in the congregation. As they say, love is blind, so I didn’t see what half of my congregation was trying to warn me about. I eventually had to go off of the pioneer™ list for a while for health reasons. When I applied to pioneer™ again the elders decided not to send my application to the Society. This trashed my wife’s hope of ever going to Gilead™. When my pioneer™ application was declined the sex in my marriage came to an abrupt end, (coincidence???) and remained that way for the next 11 years, at which time I left my wife. I had stayed with her in the hopes that things would improve in the “new system”. During that time, even though I was still a “believer”, I was treated with contempt in my own home, simply because I didn’t have a title or position in the congregation. Once I DA’d I became the lowest of the low. A few things took place that gave me cause to believe she was planning to leave me; I suspect she was waiting for my mom to die first, so she can get her hands on my inheritance as she did when my dad died. I left her to prevent that from happening. We were together for 16 ½ years; all that time I was treated with contempt as was my family, I drove myself to the ER when necessary because she wouldn’t, no intimacy for the last 11 years. In spite of everything I still loved her when I left. There must be no limit to how fucked up I was in the head. Today I’m the most relationship challenged person I know. Three years after leaving my wife, I still won’t date anyone. Just the thought of it starts me shaking.
I’m not saying all this to try to convince you to leave your wife. Everyone’s situation is unique. But I advise getting professional counseling, BOTH of you, to try to make your marriage work. Do it soon. Living in a situation where you are disrespected for a lengthy period of time can cause a lot of emotional damage. I doubt I'll live long enough to get over it.
W
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minimus
But, Auld Soul, you are who you are. And that's a VERY GOOD thing! You're a gem! And one other thing, we ALL marry people because of their qualities, what they have to offer, what we percieve their potential is. No one has the perfect motives or qualities and many accept the good and the bad. If I might suggest, AS, why not really take a little more time to consider your thoughts before you talk. It won't hurt.
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jaguarbass
Good things come to those that wait. I walked away from the witlesses in 83, it upset my wife 10 years latter my wife walked away that was 93. She says she would never go back. She celebrates and decorates for the holidays, she votes. We have been married 34 years. I was 31 when I walked away after having been born and raised as a jw.
Good luck