What if she never leaves JWs? (The interminable waiting period...)

by AuldSoul 87 Replies latest jw friends

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  AuldSoul

  Minimus: If I might suggest, AS, why not really take a little more time to consider your thoughts before you talk. It won't hurt.

  Will do. I need to get straight in my own head how to express this to give her the widest possible latitude to change, the widest berth I can allow while maintaining my integrity. I have to maintain my integrity to keep my self-respect.

  jaguarbass: We have been married 34 years. I was 31 when I walked away after having been born and raised as a jw.

  That gives me hope, as do stories like Big Tex and Nina's. But I am not sure if it is enough, given the other things I am going through right now, to have hope that things might change in the future. I have some pretty basic emotional needs right now, of the kind that are common to all humanity (according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs).

  (((Finally-Free))): Living in a situation where you are disrespected for a lengthy period of time can cause a lot of emotional damage.

  Right now I am especially susceptible to emotional damage from that quarter.

  Respectfully,
  AuldSoul
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  Scully

  While you are looking for work, have you considered getting involved in volunteering? (I'm not trying to derail your thread, there is a point to the question, really. ) It might give you some contacts in your job search... it's always good to broaden your networking ability.

  It would also give you a bit of ammunition for when your wife starts with the sarcastic comments about Santa Claus.

  Respect needs to go both ways. We all know that JWs do practically zilch when it comes to helping others, except when there is the potential to convert them to the JWs. Altruism for them always comes with a price tag for the people they assist.

  So, if you're going down to the homeless shelter or food bank or hospital to help people who really need to be helped, and your wife is giving off vibes that she is losing respect for you - it can go both ways. While you are doing something tangible to help feed and clothe people in need, you can remind yourself that Watchtowers and Awakes don't fill anyone's belly or keep them warm (unless you burn them ).

  Sometimes I think it's good to remind JWs of how much they "take" from society and give nothing back. How they selfishly utilize volunteer services when they need them, yet do nothing to support those services when they are able to do so. Is that behaviour deserving of respect?

  Sadly, it isn't always possible to love one person "enough for both of us". That's not fair to you - you deserve to be loved as deeply as you love her, and if you're always the one giving and loving and getting nothing back, you'll end up feeling miserable and empty in the end. Love doesn't have to equal martyrdom.
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  AK - Jeff

  She asked me last night, "So, do you believe in Santa Clause, now?" This may seem harmless enough, but think about what it means as far as her view of me.

  AS - I did not read much of the thread - but this single comment seems telling to me.

  She could have asked; "So do you believe in the Trinity now" or "So, do you accept that Christ has a nature that differed from the way you believed as a JW?" or other adult doctrine. Instead, she chose the mythical and childish fancy of Santa Clause.

  This seems odd and perhaps indicative of the level of concern you may be warranted in regarding respect and fairness.

  Just my Opines -

  Jeff
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  AuldSoul

  Thanks to a poster (who apparently wishes to remain anonymous) I have to revise some of the thinking I posted early on. What seemed an "odd dichotomy" only seemed so because I believed my wife meant what she was saying.

  I wrote: When I was a JW, she used to cry about me not being a Ministerial Servant or Elder. I would ask what difference the title makes, and she would explain it was about respect. So, I would ask her who it was that she thought was lacking in respect for me. She said it wasn't that, it was how much she felt like I deserved to be ... then she would trail off. What an odd dichotomy, she is disappointed in me because she thinks I deserve more recognition than I get (or even want), while the only recognition I want (need?) is from her, but her disappointment keeps her from it.

  But the reality is: She is disappointed in me because I am not getting for her what she initially wanted from our relationship. She never really wanted me, for her. I really wanted her, for me. I was fooled into believing that she was reciprocating, when she wasn't, isn't, doesn't want ME for her. She wants/wanted an idea of what I could be, would be, should be. An idea to which I will never live up (or, from my perspective, down).

  It was a false dichotomy. Not that my being fooled was necessarily an intent she had in mind; it was more likely just a combined effect of what she chose to omit and what I chose to believe and trust. I deeply appreciate the kindness of the poster who pointed this out to me. Very delicately handled.

  Respectfully,
  AuldSoul
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  Sunnygal41

  AS, this sounds as if it goes deeper than just the JW thing with her. If a person cannot love another without feeling they must change to a standard they have in their OWN mind, then the relationship is unfair and unhealthy. I know this from first hand experience because for so many years, I thought "well, if he will ONLY DO THIS or CHANGE THAT, then I will feel okay with him...........it was extremely complicated.........the roots of it all, and I still find myself working on the tangles inside of my own mind........trying to own what my baggage is from what his is............I do know that I now recognize that if you are not 100% okay with the way your mate is when you begin your journey together, and evenly yoked, then it's going to come around and bite you later on...........in my case, we spent twenty years together and then parted ways.........it was excruciatingly painful, but, necessary.

  Hugs,

  Terri
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  My MILs worst nightmare, a nonJW

  When I was a JW, she used to cry about me not being a Ministerial Servant or Elder. I would ask what difference the title makes, and she would explain it was about respect. So, I would ask her who it was that she thought was lacking in respect for me. She said it wasn't that, it was how much she felt like I deserved to be ... then she would trail off

  When I first read this, I pictured a wife who had so much love and respect for her husband that she felt he deserved as much recognition as he could possibly get. When I read your posts it is obvious that you could run circles around most people when it comes to bible topics.

  You have so much support from people on this forum for essentially the same reason. Everyone believes in you and wants the best for you.

  Please keep in mind that with married couples where emotions (anger included) run high, many times it is because there IS so much love there.

  To me the best solution is a marriage counseler. When someone on this forum challenges you Auld Soul, you don't give up immediately, you keep coming back with your convictions. Your wife says no to marriage counseling based on religion and you cave immediately.

  When a couple is at their worst they usually stop talking and start assuming things about the other person and start believing what is at best speculation. This is a death sentence.

  Good marriage counseling helps to create a neutral environment for communication where the really difficult things can be talked through..
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  AuldSoul

  MIL Nightmare: When I first read this, I pictured a wife who had so much love and respect for her husband that she felt he deserved as much recognition as he could possibly get.

  That carries me back to the odd dichotomy, though. She (1) feels I deserve more recognition than I get, so she (2) is incapable, due to disappointment, of giving the only recognition I really need. It may be that really is the case, and it may be that it doesn't make sense to her either, but that the reality of feelings not always making sense only gets in her way when she tries to explain it.

  I will keep that possibility in mind, MIL. Thanks for pointing that out.

  Respectfully,
  AuldSoul
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  Honesty

  When I was a JW, she used to cry about me not being a Ministerial Servant or Elder. I would ask what difference the title makes, and she would explain it was about respect. So, I would ask her who it was that she thought was lacking in respect for me. She said it wasn't that, it was how much she felt like I deserved to be ... then she would trail off. What an odd dichotomy, she is disappointed in me because she thinks I deserve more recognition than I get (or even want), while the only recognition I want (need?) is from her, but her disappointment keeps her from it.

  As I said, it isn't a question of whether I love her. I love her more than breathing. It is a question of whether I can indefinitely tolerate her disapproval, her disappointment, her regret over my choices. I've had this conversation with her, and she said we can work through it. I haven't seen any indication of an abatement in her disapproval, thus far.

  ((((((Brandon))))))

  I received the exact same treatment and words from my ex. She just couldn't understand why I did not want to be elder. When I was 'deleted' (what a novel way of announcing one has been purged from the 'Body') she wanted it made clear that she had absolutely Nothing to do with it and it was my 'unscriptural;' decisions that led to it. The poor misguided woman was more concerned about how things looked than in how they affected our relationship with each other and to God. Whenever the elders mentioned my being 'reinstated' to a position on the 'Body', she would pout for weeks on end because I declined this 'honor.' She made no bones about it. I was a 'Rebel' and a 'weak one' for not going along with Jehovah's Organization.

  I'm just grateful that our marriage ended before I opened the door, received Jesus and was baptized Christian because I can't imagine what kind of life that would have been.

  Personally, you have your own choices to make in the matter. For myself, I can't handle love with restrictions, regulations and conditions.
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  My MILs worst nightmare, a nonJW

  Auld Soul

  If that is the case then you are like thousands if not millions of couples. For any number of reasons, change of job, change of religion, change of address, the DNA we are born with, you feel you are a dissapoinment to your wife, yet she thinks the world of you. Women are loyal beyond belief, in a way that most guys are not capable of grasping, at least I wasn't....initially. Again this is why I think marriage counseling is critical.
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  Legolas

  ((((Auldsoul))))