Not allowed to sleep over - is that weird?

by collegegirl21 75 Replies latest social relationships

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  blondie

  I think many people think sleeping over is the next step towards a more serious commitment. It is one thing to have sex and another thing in their mind to wake up with the person in the same bed the next day.

  Right up there with the WTS thinking that sleeping over at night means sex has taken place without any other proof, and that being alone together during the day means that sex has not and cannot take place....(criteria for df'ing a person in the WTS).

  I would just show up the next morning with the makings of breakfast and get him used to the perks of you staying over.

  Blondie
• 

  Scully

  How about not having sex with him unless you sleep over? Like, do "it" in the morning, instead of before going to sleep.

  Give the boy a damn good reason to sleep over.

  Besides, that'll put the "give in to a whining child" thing in a whole different perspective, won't it?

  I hate to say this, but if he's had a previous serious relationship (a so-called ex and a kid already) maybe he's not as serious about the relationship as you are, and he may be juggling you with another woman/a wife. Maybe it's time to do some investigating, either on your own or hire someone. You'll spare yourself a lot of agony later on.
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  frozen one

  If this is bothering you now, keep in mind that usually it only gets worse.

  This guy has a child, an ex-wife, and what sounds like emotional problems? Sounds like lots of baggage. Do you have a similar amount of baggage? Do you really want to carry some of his? Like the saying goes, "There's lots of fish in the sea." Life's too short to deal with someone else's issues.
• 

  snarf

  Is there alot of stress in his life right now? People with ocd, germophobia, panic disorders and such can act quite weird at times of alot of stress. I deal with these issues myself, and as much as i love hubby, there is absolutely NO KISSING. I can't handle it. I need my own clean space. Maybe he is just under some excessive pressure right now, and the thought of "someone being in his clean space" would make things worse for him right now. I say be patient. Let him talk with his doc, take some meds to help him calm down and wait and see. You also need to decide if you can take a man like this. These disorders come and go, sometimes without explanation.
• 

  KW13

  The guy is being unreasonable...if he is a dub its not suprising but otherwise...no idea
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  collegegirl21

  So I pulled something with him today. I asked him to make me lunch today and he agreed. I'm not sure if this was the right way to do it, but while he was cooking lunch, I laid on his couch and just hung out. After lunch, I talked him into having a little fun, I said the only way we could do it was if it was in his bed, he tried saying no, but then I started walking out the door and he pulled me back. We went upstairs and fell asleep in his bed afterwards... I think that's a start right?
• 

  SixofNine

  OCD is about control.

  Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is a condition characterized by a chronic preoccupation with rules, orderliness, and control.

  The ideal is not to have him compromise his "rule" that he's obviously made for the both of you regarding sleeping over. The ideal would be to have him throw the rule out the window, as it was arbitrary and unilateral in the first place.
• 

  Uzzah

  CG21

  You are a bright intelligent gorgeous woman. Is this guy worth all the stress and effort you are having to endure?

  I admire your desire to do what you can to make things work but it is not the job of any mate to fix the other person. He is one lucky s.o.b. to have you. I hope he recognizes that.

  Uzzah
• 

  cognizant dissident

  I can see this from both sides. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep over with your boyfriend. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with him not wanting you to sleep over. I think he probably does see it as a next step towards greater commitment, and he is setting a clear boundary with you and saying he is not ready for that step. That is his choice and I believe it should be respected. Not everyone wants to move towards greater intimacy at the same pace in a relationship.

  It was condescending and belittling for him to refer to you as a child, whining for a toy. However, is there some truth to that? As an adult, you told him your desire to sleep over. As an adult, he set a boundary with you and told you he was not ready. How did you respond? Did you respect his boundary and his right to make it as a mature adult would? Or did you keep pushing to get your own way regardless of how he felt, as a child would who cannot take NO for an answer? It is his apartment and it is his right to invite others (including you) to stay over when HE wishes.

  Of course, if you don't like the answer you get, and you feel he has OCD and is trying to be controlling, you are free to either wait for him to get treatment and come around to your way of being or you can move on and find another partner who is more compatible with you and more willing to welcome you into his heart and his bed. I think turning the issue into a power struggle between the two of you, as to who is going to be the one to get their way, will be detrimental to the relationship in the long run.

  Cog
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  collegegirl21

  Uzzah - Thank you for your kind words. You are truly sweet! Cog - I think you are right. We are both trying to have the upper hand and I do want to respect his wishes, but in a relationship shouldn't you try to reach a happy medium? To me, I don't think its fair for me to stay over until 2 or 3 in the morning at his house and then have to drive all the way back to my place because he's a little insecure or OCD. We've slept together before and I was over there pretty much the whole day today, its something that I can't seem to understand.