I am starting to think so myself. Why am I so afraid to walk away? Is it serious enough for me to walk away? I just don't know what to do. Do I not know what to do because I don't know how to think for myself? I feel like I'm going through a breakdown and I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. Can someone who's only 22 be going through a midlife crisis?
Not allowed to sleep over - is that weird?
by collegegirl21 75 Replies latest social relationships
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Scully
Take a break from him, his need to control you, and the relationship for a while. A week at least. No texting, no phone calls, no visiting.
Yes, it will be lonely and difficult emotionally.
But it might be a good thing to do just for the sake of giving you some distance and detachment so you can consider your options without all the angst and drama he seems to create.
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Mysterious
Have you guys actually had a serious talk about these issues and how it makes you feel? Instead of asking him to do what you want him to just asking him to tell you why he feels/acts the way he does. Don't talk, just listen.
Sometimes there are not compromises to be had. Then as previous posters have said you will have to take stock of whether the issues are serious enough that you cannot deal with them or be content with what you have.
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collegegirl21
I think I'm going to take Scully's advice and take a break from him. Maybe it will help him realize what he's losing because his family seems to think that I am good for him and that he needs someone like me in his life apparently.
Cog - you have no idea how much those words you said meant to me. I wrote down those questions and I'm truly going to think about them because I don't think I've ever lived my life to make me happy and I know a part of me does have issues that I need to work on, but I am working on them, slowly but surely.
Mysterious - I have tried talking to Dennis, he is a lost cause. We had some issues in the past with me being insecure and he says that he'll go back to wanting to hold me and love me when I'm not insecure. He says that he doesn't give me a reason to insecure and that I shouldn't be that way. He also hates the fact that I come here for advice or opinions because the people on these sites are "complete strangers who know nothing about our lives and they have no lives." And at that point then he says that I'm desperate to make friends (note I moved to a new city to be closer to him, so I don't really have very many friends out here) and that I'm not going to find friendship on these sites.
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cognizant dissident
Big alarm bells going off here College Girl!
He says he will only hold you and love you when you are no longer acting insecure? How about holding you and loving you when YOU need to be held and to be loved? Now theres a novel idea. If he can be this withholding of affection and attention now, when you are supposedly in the love and romance stage of the relationship, how is he going to act if you ever marry him? He will dole out love and affection to you in little scraps, like Pavlov's dog, just enough to keep you coming back for more scraps, but starving slowly never the less. I can picture it now. Every little thing that he doesn't like or approve of about you, and the list will probably grow longer every year, he will use as an excuse to punish you by withdrawing his affection and love.
Taking a break, is an excellent idea. Remember how you felt tonight, and see if not being with him makes you feel worse or better. I'm not saying he is a bad guy. Maybe he is just a bad guy for you. You have been through a lot and obviously need lots of love, affection and support to help you to feel more secure. You aren't going to get it from this guy, whether you wait two weeks or two years.
Cog
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wednesday
So he proceeds to say, "If a kid is crying for a toy, you're just going to give it to them?" Then I just told him I had to go (cause we were on the phone talking and I was thoroughly irritated with him).
CG21
I'd tell this guy that your not a child with a toy, and he can take his pop psychology someplace else.
yes there is a problem. he has it.
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Fe2O3Girl
He says that once I stop being so insecure he'll let me sleep over and I say that once he lets me sleep over I'll stop being so insecure and so then he said, "So if I give you your way, you won't be insecure anymore?" And I told him that's right.
So he proceeds to say, "If a kid is crying for a toy, you're just going to give it to them?"
Apart from anything else, I would be very concerned that he thinks that his interaction with his girlfriend fits the Authoritative Parent-Child model, rather than Adult-Adult model. Is this how he is going to approach all differences?
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Abaddon
Hey collegegirl,
Having been a collegeboy and been out with collegegirls and had friends who were collegegirls I'd say the following;
Most girls at college go out with at least some guys who are not worth wasting the time on. They do this either because they feel bad about themselves, even if this is only to the extent of doubting their ability to enjoy life without a boyfriend until they find another guy worth spending time with in that way or their ability to attract such a guy, or because they are with a guy who sucks them so far into their own psychodrama the girl can't see they're asting their time anymore.
Someone who confuses sleeping over (just plain old manners) to commitment is not worth wasting time on. Not sleeping over (for no reason) is one step removed from leaving cash on the pillow.
Someone who has the gall to call you on being insecure when they have a psychological condition (the OCD stuff) is not worth wasting time on.
I think you will discover more about yourself away from this guy; you're not responsible for his life being the best it could, only for your life being the best it can be, and I don;t think it can be with your current guys unless he sorts his act out.
Realise that most guys your age are about five years less mature than you simply because they have testicles. Realise that you don't HAVE to have a boyfriend, and that not having a boyfriend is NOT THE SAME as being celibate. Realise the more guys you have experience of (and I don't just mean sexually), the better choices you will make where guys are concerned as you will be able to better differentiate between time wasters and keepers; you will also know better in practise what kind of guy suits you better - this might be different from what you think/have thought.
Number of female friends I have seen spending months, even years, trying to turn a sows ear into a silk purse I cannot even begin to count. You are young, cut your lossses early and have some fun.
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RAF
No balance - no real chance ...
you can use the "being away" for a while to see if he misses you ... ok ... But I hope you really do it for yourself regarding to him (to know more about what you really want and can bear on the long run and if he worth it) and not as a way to get what you want (also his parents are not him, and they won't be the one you have to deal with anyway - Do not count on them at all).
I mean I hope for you, that this relationship won't turn around some kind of ultimatums : If you don't give me this you won't have that (that's not a loving attitude - that's control freak attitude whatever reason is involved).
If you are ready to leave, leave - if you can't don't (you'll come back anyway as soon as he calls you and that's when you'll really get traped into this awful game) regarding to your all your needs you might able to give up only when you'll meet someone else or when you will have take too much BS for too long to the point to not being able to bear it anymore. so leave if you are ready - stay if you're not.
Anyway, you won't be able to forget about your needs and if you can't get what you need in this relationship it will only drives you frustrated nor crazy. (how good is that for both of you?).
Also you have to know something ... A frustrated woman don't look good (even if she is beautifful) and is either harder or easier to manipulate ... being free/single can be frustrating (if you are a kind of girl who need to be with someone at any rate) but at least you are open to whatever pleases you.
The reason why most people are frustated is because they are looking for something that they can't get from those they want to get it, or the way they want to get it ... So at some point you have to realised how much being frustated doesn't help you to be able to give up about what you are expecting from the other, or the way you are expecting things form the other one means either in accepting that you won't get what you want, or just forget about that person.
Instead of waiting to know more about him (his reasons) you need to know WHAT YOU REALLY WANT, WHY and if you can get that only from HIM? (but still does it worth it) so it's all about :
How long have you been single in your life? How did you feel when single? (I mean do you need some kind of permanent attachement? Why do you love this guy? (what drives you to him?). Also What's wrong with not having to sleep over for real, when you can have good time together anyway in other ways? WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT that HE CAN'T TAKE and GIVE YOU right NOW for ANY REASON? Can you accept those reasons? how do they affect you?
I mean if you force this guy it won't be about love, this will be about feeling obligated - how do you feel about someone who makes you feel obligated? So where do you think this can lead?
My take is that you are 22 (that's very yound now a days to get into a serious relationship with already such frustration) you might really want or even need to have fun and more experience before to get involved with some kind of insecure controle freak which have such issues which gets so frustrated and feeling insecure because of it).
Take care !
Best wishes -
collegegirl21
Thank you all for your messages. This week I'm just going to keep my mind off of him and I'm going to try and focus on myself and work. It will be hard as hell because just as I am waking up now, I would either call him or he would call me just to talk, but today I think I'm just going to leave my cell phone off (I know its for the best). And I do have a lot of questions that I need to ask myself right now, so thank you all for taking the time to help me see some sort of light. I appreciate it more than you know!