Not allowed to sleep over - is that weird? (page 6)

Soledad

The guy is a control freak. He wants what he wants when he wants it, doesn't care about what you want.

Move on. There is a reason why he has an ex-wife.

Sassy

this relationship has red flags all over it. He's controlling.. the relationship is making you co dependent..

and I think there might be someone else.. its just too weird...

why when you drive by unexpected is he not home? does he really live there?

Sassy - I know he lives there because I've been inside and hung out there and stayed over super late and come over early when he's had softball games we've gone together. I've just never slept over there.

Other than that aspect of our relationship things are pretty good. He just tries to find excuses for me not to be able to spend the night and I'm not sure why he is looking for excuses. After talking with him for a little bit today, I think he is just afraid of being close to me because of his failed marriage and his past fialed relationships. What I want to address with him is letting him know that if he gets help that I won't go anywhere and that he needs to stop making me feel bad about myself because I don't need that in my life especially right now.

Do I want to be with him? Yeah, he's good to me in every other way except this one. He only says the mean things when I bring up the spending the night, I just need to learn how to either a) talk to him in a way that doesn't make him mad or b) get over the fact that he doesn't want me spending the night.

I don't think its right for me to give him an ultimadum, but I am starting to think that's what I should do because its not fair to me. That's the type of affection that I want and I've compromised this whole time, shouldn't he compromise a little too? Or am I blowing out of proportion the whole spending the night thing?

Sassy

well he definately has issues.. he needs to get over them

or he is hiding something.. like another girl..

RAF

you know better than us about the details anyway - maybe we do not have the right picture ... (you're not telling about his age btw is he something like 6 or more older than you - take care because this is maybe why he is with a young girl to be able to keep the entire control - guess what's next !!!!) so of course you can try the ultimatum stuff ... most for yourself, but remember this if you chose to cope with even if you can't get what you need:
Young or not, you'll have to take responsability even for being screwed - you will have make this choice - and that's what most girls don't understand - at some point if you feel too bad about something but still trying hard to cope with it (I mean you don't have any kid with this guy, you are not married either - he is not a dangerous guy who told you that if you leave him he will kill you something alike) so you will be responsible of your own pain.
Don't want to sound harsh ... I Just want you to know that it's harder to understand (that we can be our own killer, it doesn't help the other one to become better, and it won't help you to feel good about yourself you may at the end only feel like a loser. I mean your hapiness most depends on you ...
Take care ... I wishe you to take the right decision (regarding to what you know exactly).

Scully

After talking with him for a little bit today,

What happened to taking a break?? Hmmmmm????

I think he is just afraid of being close to me because of his failed marriage and his past fialed relationships. What I want to address with him is letting him know that if he gets help that I won't go anywhere and that he needs to stop making me feel bad about myself because I don't need that in my life especially right now.

Do I want to be with him? Yeah, he's good to me in every other way except this one. He only says the mean things when I bring up the spending the night, I just need to learn how to either a) talk to him in a way that doesn't make him mad or b) get over the fact that he doesn't want me spending the night.

Someone who really has your best interests at heart would rather jump in front of a speeding locomotive than do anything to make you feel bad about yourself. You've said before that people tell you that you are "good for him"... that may very well be true, but the person you're describing is someone who is NOT good for YOU.

I don't think its right for me to give him an ultimadum, but I am starting to think that's what I should do because its not fair to me. That's the type of affection that I want and I've compromised this whole time, shouldn't he compromise a little too? Or am I blowing out of proportion the whole spending the night thing?

Hasn't he already delivered the ultimatum to you? It's "my way or the highway". You either do what he wants, or he withholds the thing he knows you want and need the most - his affection. That is so mean and controlling, I can't even begin to put it into words. It's almost as though he lives by the motto Find out what they want, and then don't give it to them. He holds it out like a carrot on a stick, and only gives it to you as a reward for behaving the way he wants you to behave. He may not ever have been a JW, but I suspect that you are drawn to this form of approval-seeking, giving-your-power-away, always-the-one-to-compromise relationship because it is so freaking familiar to anyone who has been a JW for any length of time.

Sweetie, cut bait and fish somewhere else. Seriously. You deserve so much better than that.

nvrgnbk

he's a control freak and he has a wife.

I'm sorry. I didn't want to go there, but Flip did. So I have to say this crossed my mind immediately.

Edit: I see from your latest post that it's not likely that he has a wife. Just be careful. Everyone deserves to be happy.

collegegirl21

He has an EX-wife. The divorced was finalized and her and I have met for his sons' sake. A part of me knows that I need to let go, I just don't know if I'm ready yet. He has helped me with a lot of stuff through my parents and my dad even met him (first boyfriend who wasn't a JW that he met and actually liked). I just need time to mentally detach myself from the person that I've been so attached to for so long. I need other things to preoccupy my time in order to get over this issue.

outnfree

I say, "Run!!!"

Given that's he's already been married, fathered a child, and been divorced means he's probably older than you. RAF is right that he may be dating you because you are easier to control than a woman his own age.

I was ready to tell you, "run," as soon as I read that he compared you to a child in that very first post of yours. Someone else pointed out that to be successful, you should see one another as being in an adult-adult relationship. He is NOT your father. You don't want to date your FATHER.

And if he has a mean streak, where he berates you for asking for what you want from the relationship, making you unhappy or sad, that is not a healthy relationship. Scully was right that he's playing you by only giving you part of what you want to keep you "mostly" satisfied with the relationship.

I think you should get out now and find a "mutually satisfying relationship" with somebody who will not merely treat you like an equal, but who will cherish you so much he WANTS to hold you as much as you desire to be held.

Unfortunately, what you describe is a lot like what my marriage was like. I spend almost 30 years pleasing my ex-, having a "pretty good" life, and never really asking myself what I wanted. It took him cheating on me for me to finally say, "that's it!" Save yourself some pain and lots of wasted time. Seriously set out to answer those questions Cog raised, and then hold out for the relationship of your dreams. When you are clear on what are your wants and needs, you will attract the person who will meet them.

I wish you only the best -- and from what I've read, Dennis isn't it.

Sincerely,
out

Not allowed to sleep over - is that weird?

Soledad

FlipThis

Sassy

collegegirl21

Sassy

RAF

Scully

nvrgnbk

collegegirl21

outnfree

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