Not allowed to sleep over - is that weird?

by collegegirl21 75 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  cognizant dissident

  You have some valid concerns there College girl. I'm all for practical, reasonable compromises. If you are already there half the night, it is unreasonable, in my opinion, to expect you to get up in the middle of the night and drive all the way home especially if you are just coming back the next day after breakfast. I for one am cranky if I have to get up in the middle of sleeping and drive anywhere. If my man wears me out with hot sex all night, I expect coffee and breakfast in bed the next day and usually get it! Obviously, though, your guy doesn't feel the same way.

  This is a great opportunity for you to begin to set a healthy boundary as to what you will accept in a relationship. For instance, you could tell him calmly and respectfully (not while fighting or angry) that you no longer want to get up in the middle of the night and drive home. It is inconvenient and impractical and makes you feel cranky or used and then rejected (if it does, it would to me). Tell him that you respect his wishes if he does not want you to stay over, you will not ask him again. But you will be leaving his place at a time where you can get a good night's sleep, whether that is 9 or 10 or 11 or midnight. The time is not that important. It is whatever time you would normally go to bed at your own place. The important thing is that after you make this boundary you must stick to it! No caving after a few times or in a moment of weakness. You could even invite him to spend the entire night at your place if you like. Then he has to be the one to find a sitter for the night, if the kids live with him, or he has to be the one to get up in the middle of the night and drive home half asleep. Put the onus on him to do some of the work!

  The problem with setting such a firm boundary like this, is you have to be prepared for the consequences, possibly NOT getting what you want. He may be fine with you going home early and spending less time with you even if it curtails your sex life somewhat. You have to be prepared for that possibility. Or he may realize, if has to choose between you going home really early or not at all, he might decide he would prefer you to stay over. Either way, it will make it really clear to you where you stand in the relationship. Are you ready to find that out?

  Cog

  Let us know what happens!
• 

  collegegirl21

  Cog - that sounds like a great idea! He's suppose to be coming over tonight to watch a movie at my apt with me. I will have to try and bring it up without him getting defensive and without me sounding like I'm argumentative with him. We will see how it turns out. I'll keep you updated! Thanks!
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  I wonder if he's hiding something, maybe afraid of a phone call, or an unexpected visit? Go with your gut feeling, it's usually the right one!

  nj
• 

  uninformed

  sounds like a good time to put on the Nikes and run run run.

  life is too short to be attached to someone you wonder and worry about.

  he seems like he is in charge of your relationship?

  run.

  u
• 

  cognizant dissident

  One note of caution College girl: If you set a new boundary with someone, you can't be too attached to their responding in a certain way, the way that you want them to respond. You have to be fully prepared to ACCEPT their response even if it is not what you hoped for. The example I gave is just that, an example of what seems reasonable to me. I don't have to live with it though. The boundary you set should be one that you are comfortable living with.

  If, in your heart, you truly would prefer to drive home at 3 am and be tired and upset than to drive home at 10pm feeling not so tired, but perhaps even more alone or rejected, then perhaps it is not the boundary that you should be trying to set at this time. You probably wouldn't stick to it if you are not firmly resolved to. It is not all about what HE wants or what I want. It is about what YOU want and also accepting that sometimes you can't have what you WANT but you can still negotiate respectfully.

  Cog
• 

  collegegirl21

  Cog - that's my issue. Most of my life (and most of my relationships) I don't really look at things that benefit me. I look at trying to please the other person and make them happy, which was why I got reinstated into the religion (to make my parents happy) and its why I don't try to start fights with my boyfriend (try to keep him happy). And I'm not sure what else to do or how to go from here. He did tell me that if I were to stop acting insecure for two weeks that he would let me spend the night - now that doesn't sound right to me. What do you all think?
• 

  cognizant dissident

  Hey College Girl

  No criticism here. Only empathy. Speaking as one confirmed "people pleaser" to another, I also got reinstated at age 21, just so I could see my little sisters who I loved dearly and who were witheld from me by my parents when I was df'd at 18. Then, restored to my "loving" family, I tried hard to be the perfect JW, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, always with the goal of being externally validated and making sure everyone else was happy. Was I happy? No, I was miserable and depressed and didn't even have a clue why? I just knew no one seemed to concerned with what I wanted or making me happy. Why would they? People will treat us as we allow ourselves to be treated. There is a lot of truth in that old saying.

  Back to you. You ARE insecure! You are 22. That is almost a guarantee at your age, having been raised a JW, a female, and subjected to the psychological abuse of shunning! Why should you have to stop ACTING insecure? It would be much better if you could stop BEING insecure. Not to please your boyfriend, but to please yourself. I admit, I don't like his tone, giving you an ultimatum of two weeks to stop acting a certain way. Perhaps you could give him an ultimatum. He has two weeks to stop acting like a control freak and if he can manage that then you might do him the honor of sleeping over! It's all in the attitude girl!

  Seriously though, to really BE secure, one has to feel safe and loved. Waiting for other people to make you feel that way can be a long and lonely wait. I know. I waited until I was 38 years old and severely clinically depressed before I learned to start asking myself, what do I want? It has taken years of counseling and practice, but now I feel I know who I am and what I want out of life. I don't always get it, but still it's nice to know. You might as start learning now. Ask yourself questions. What qualities does college girl want in a man? In a relationship? What way do you want to be treated? To be spoken too? How much intimacy do you want? How long are you willing to wait for it to develop? How do you want to spend your work time, your free time? Do you always do what your friends enjoy? What your boyfriend enjoys? Do you even know what you enjoy? When you know yourself well enough to know what you want and feel you have just as much right to pursue your own happiness as everyone else does, then you will start making yourself feel safe and loved, regardless of how anyone acts. I sure wished I had learned this at 22 instead of 42.

  Cog (dying to know how it turns out, you better keep me filled in!)
• 

  changeling

  I'm not a mental haelth professional, but your guy exibits classic signs fo OCD.

  His comment comparing you to a child also smacks of control. You are an adult, he does not need to "break" you of a bad habit.

  He could also be cheating on you.

  These are just some thoughts and opinions, but you need to proceed with caution.

  changeling
• 

  collegegirl21

  So, he comes over toinght and we go swimming my my apartment complex pool, we are laughing and having a good time. Things are going great, we go back to my apt and we come into my room and watch the "Comedy Roast" on Comedy Central. I thought it would be fine and that we would just lay on my bed and watch tv. Well he didn't want to lay in bed with me, he wanted to sit in a chair by hisself and watch the show. That's when I make a sound showing my frustration at him and he said, "What's wrong?"

  "Well, I am just sick of everything that's going on with you and me and I just want you hold me and fall asleep next to me. I was posting on my website and I'm just trying to figure out whats going on." He knows about the websites I post on (here, lovingyou.com, and a few others)

  "So you're looking to people that you don't even know to fix OUR relationship? I'm not listening to anything you have to say." So at that point, I just turn back to the computer and ignore him the rest of the night. Before he was getting ready to leave I asked him to lay with me, and he said that he didn't feel like it. I told him, "You didn't mind laying with me after we f**ked today while I rubbed your head, did you?"

  So then he asks if I was going to walk him out, so I did and I didn't even look at him. I slammed the door and I sent him this text message, "you are right. I dont know if I can do this. You are keeping your guard up and while you are doing that you are not loving me or even wanting to touch me."

  So he responded, "We spent almost the whole day together so don't try that sh*t."

  "You don't get it dennis! I didn't want you to spend the night (although I did) I just wanted you to lay with me and hold me. But it does seem like you are pretty quick to cut your losses with me."

  "Who said they DIDN'T KNOW? Was it me or you?!?!?!?"

  "You might know but your f**ken guard is up." And that was the end of our converstion through texting or for tonight I'm assuming. I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure I didn't approach it the right way, but I'm sick of feeling like he doesn't want me and I know I have a lot to work on myself, but I hate him leaving with me crying like this.

  A part of me thinks I should just walk away, but another part of me is afraid of being back where I started. I love him and his son very much and I just feel like even though I'm in a relationship I feel alone. God, I'm a wreck!
• 

  Spectre

  Yeah, he is a weird one.