He's married or otherwise involved.
Been there, done that.
He's also an ass for giving you the amateur psycho-analysis by the way. Sound like a real pompous pr*ck.
Not allowed to sleep over - is that weird?
by collegegirl21 75 Replies latest social relationships
-
MinisterAmos
-
diamondblue1974
Definately married or otherwise involved with someone else - there is no other reasonable explanation for his behaviours.
Get rid!
Gary
-
cognizant dissident
(((College Girl)))
I don't know where to begin with letting go. What if I'm not strong enough? I don't feel strong enough and I definitely feel like I am co-dependent.
First of all, begin with baby steps. No one says you have to go cold turkey. If he was being physically or verbally abusive to you, then I would say do it NOW!! You are getting something out of the relationship, though, or you wouldn't be with him. We don't just go to the gym once, and then we are strong. It is a series of commitments and then steps to follow through, a journey to fitness. Begin by making little commitments for yourself to give yourself what you want (notice I didn't say demand, or get it from him). Figure out what issues are important to you and worth negotiating/fighting for. Figure out what your bottom line and deal breakers are in a relationship. Read a few reputable books on the subject. In short, begin, by working on yourself and figuring out what kind of person you want to be. Start acting in harmony with that, start setting little boundaries with others including your boyfriend. See what happens. Expect some backlash. I guess, in a way, I am agreeing with your boyfriend, work on becoming the person you want to be, but not with the goal of pleasing him, with the goal of learning to please yourself. Then you will BE more secure in yourself.
If he is truly sincere about you being more secure and independent, then he will applaud your efforts at setting boundaries, even with him. If he bcomes angry with you and rejecting when you try to assert yourself with him then you will know he was really all about the control. Either way, you don't have to DO anything drastic. You just have to start doing what is right for you, as you figure out what that is, and you will probably start to see dramatic results. The relationship will either get better or it will go down hill very quickly.
Cog - I have been looking at the questions you gave me. I made little sticky notes with them around my desk here at work so I can think about them while I'm here. I hope it helps!
Don't feel pressured to figure out all the answers in one day, College girl. There is no magic formula to life. It's a process, a journey. Just try it with something easy and simple first. For instance, what would you enjoy doing on your next evening with your boyfriend? Try putting it to him that you would like to take turns choosing how to spend the evening. Let him choose and plan the evening one night, and you go along and be a good sport. No complaining! Then you plan something YOU would enjoy the next time. Ask him to be a good sport and go along with even if it is not his preference. You have already sent the example by not complaining when it was his choice. See how he responds to this. If he refuses to reciprocate or even consider your requests, well, then, you have had another valuable learning experience to discover how much give and take you can realistically expect from this guy in a long term relationship.
Cog
-
erandir
Aw, come on...give the guy a break. Maybe he turns into an ogre or something from 5 am to 6 am, so that's why he doesn't want you to spend the night. It's possible.
Equally possible is that he has an injured sparrow in his basement that he needs to take care of early in the morning and doesn't want you to find out because you might think he's a sensitive guy and lose the macho image he fights so hard to retain.
But, far more likely...I'll go with the scenario that he's got control issues and some other problem that won't let him commit to you.
-
nvrgnbk
What if I'm not strong enough?
You are stronger than you realize.
-
RAF
nvgnbk : You are stronger than you realize.
you'll realize that (it's just terrible that most people need to be in an extreme situation to realize it)
Anyway cognizant dissident gave you a soft way to get to the point ...