oompa if you tried to kill yourself 2 years ago and are feeling very depressed right now then you are going to feel much worse if you get a divorce. Divorce is very tough emotionally imo. Try to get yourself sorted emotionally first.
the high cost of divorcing a JW............
by oompa 89 Replies latest social relationships
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oompa
purps: I don't think you really want a divorce.
i dont know why you say this..........i was in a horrible rebound state at 38.......crazy wife left me.....with two little boys...now grown.....i needed help and sex.......of course i could only get that as a dub......MARRIED AGAIN!........and she is gold........but now.......with the truth gone........there is little left for us it seems.......i will try to cling to the few things we have in common i guess......TRY TO FOCUS ON THE GOOD!..........see i am paying attention.........listening........
as for my crazy online activites.......hey........i fukkin live is cyberworld!!!!!!very few real frinds........and thank god for a few friends from jwd i now hang and golf with.........this loss of faith thing really nearly killed me........so purps i am coping as best i can.....and the stoopid booze is just not the answer as an escape.......was doing much better with that till a big slip yestersday..................thanks all .............oomps
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oompa
otwo: I find more happiness in my
life WITH my JW wife than without it. If that were not true, I would choose otherwise despite all the
consequences.If her love and physical pleasures and company are greater than your other desires
for your life, then try to work it out. Don't let losing "it all" be your factor. It is a serious consideration.
But weigh it all out. Is your daily happiness impossible in the current situation, but is it possible if you
lose everybody JW in your life to find daily happiness? Some would be miserable without Mom or Dad or
their adult children in their lives. Others recognize that they can't live in silence about WTS just to
maintain relationships.You have inspired me.
Oh you talk BIG otwo!...just the first red part........everything you wrote is helpful.........but this weighing it all out is tough....very tough.......if it would not hurt her so much i think i would do it........but losing my few close friends....and my parents may just be to high a price to pay.......so i will prob be like living in this totally fukked up style of marrige.....faking myself to death.......stuck here in cyberworld..........crap...........oompa.....
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oompa
bonnzo: you don't really want a divorce. if you did, you wouldn't need evreybody's permission, which it seems you need. at least our approval. if you really wanted a divorce, you'd just get one. you have a good wife who adores you and is willing to put up with you without any grief, no pressure to attend meetings, service, etc. she looks good and your kids love her. what the hell else do you want?
bonze......i have no idea why you think i really dont want a divorce......and the second thing you say is THE problem.......she is whacko nuts about me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!............i wish she was not sooooo in love with me, cause i am afraid.........i just wish there some spark.......some chemistry.....and we had more in common.....and we shared dreams..........our dream was living forever in paradise!!!!!!!!.........kinda not my thing now............oompa
and purps:
I honestly hate to see you so torn for most of the time I have seen you on the board.
Find the places in your life that ARE positive, make those places your haven.
Focus your energy there, possibly some other stuff won't seem quit so overwhelming.
crap.....i have been torn every since i found this place......first the wake up nightmare.......now the total and constant conflict of the wife in me out thing......so VERY good advice to look for the positives.......and focus on positive and other things....i need distraction!!!!!!!!........thanks......oomps
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Quirky1
Oompa, I have and am in the same shoes as you. But, I have decided that I will stand by my wife as she does me. Yeah, me and the JW wifey do no do the same things as we used to. She goes with her friends just the same as I do mine. She does tend to get a little upset at first but I do remind her of the time she is away from me attending JW fuctions, meetings, CA's, SAD's, etc.. Her time spent away from me is tremendously more than my time away from her. But I know deep in my heart she really cares for me and I do for her also. Do we have the same dreams and desires?? At one time as a JW yes but now no. I understand it will be difficult but it is my chosen path for now. Maybe she will eventually wake up but I do not know that will happen. For now I chose to stay with her until it is mutually decided between the both of us. Yeah, there are many things we may want in life or may want our life to be but that should have been thought about before chosing the life we have. If you are truly not happy in the relationship this is something you need to discuss with your wife, subtly. Maybe there are options to make it better.
I suggest taking a deep breath and relax. I do truly hope you will feel better soon.
Quirky
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Doubting Bro
oompa,
I've read this thread and am sorry you're going through this. I'm sure it must be very difficult. A few observations:
1 - Seems like you think you're wife is a great person, but your marriage lacks the chemistry you are looking for. Did it ever have that "spark"? If so, then there's a chance you can get it back. I seem to remember you posting about going to counseling. Is that working for you at all?
2 - You obviously don't want to hurt her. But, is she really happy in a loveless marriage? Either way, it hurts.
3 - Was the WTS really the only thing you had in common? If that was it, then it seems like a marriage of convenience.
Bottom line - you have to ask yourself, is dealing with the WTS crap worth staying married. For instance, in my case, it absolutely is. But, many times it is not. Losing friends and family sucks, (actually, there are a few family members I wouldn't mind shunning me LOL) but you can make new friends. Losing the love of your life over a silly religion, to me thats simply too much.
By the way, if we lived closer, I'd love to get in on that golf game! Hang in there bro.
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oompa
Doubting Bro: But, is she really happy in a loveless marriage? Either way, it hurts.
3 - Was the WTS really the only thing you had in common? If that was it, then it seems like a marriage of convenience.
Thanks for your post. And you too Quirky.......us one in and one outs are quite a small club here.....and even the number of people on jwd is small.....compared to JW's were are also a small club compared to daworld.......
your first question....yes she is very happy in a kinda loveless marriage...i am not real open about it and thank god the sex is good....sometimes great....that actually helps a lot....we love to cook together....and travel...but who get to travel much?.....so we cook.....watch tv......and have sex....not all at the same time ............i hate to say it but i COMPLETE her.....i am all she needs.....she has little interests in her own small family........she has little social intrest, cause i am all she needs....crap........
she did go to marriage therapy twice with me....now i go alonce some and really need to make an appointment........the therapist told her it is not really healthy for me to need ONLY her and vice verse........so jwd is ok now.....she also told my wife i need a support group and friends with similar intrests and beliefs......so she lets me sit acrossfrom here every morning and night spending hours here........she know who i am probably talking to when the phone rings and i go out and talk in the garage!...weird!.......like otwo...i explain i do it out of respect for her jw beliefs......she is GOLD!!!.......and pretty damm hot.............she is the perfect dub in that she is "trying to win me over without a word"......me....sorry but i made her cry nearly every day for the first year.....telling her all lies jw's teach......all i now know.....she will not even allow her a single doubt or question ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!.......even my therapist said she has never met such a hardcore jw.......about the only "bad" things she does is some sex stuff and likes R rated movies......wow........she is a real bad girl........
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Doubting Bro
about the only "bad" things she does is some sex stuff and likes R rated movies
Hey, that's something! My guess is that she's even more hard core to attempt to offset you, especially with the therapist.
Cooking & travel are good hobbies and something you can build on. If you guys are truly in love, then I'm thinking you'll both find a way to make it work. But, you both have to feel that way or else it won't stand a chance. No easy answers, that's for sure.
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Awakened at Gilead
Oomps,
You know I am feeling for you, and I didn't want to just jump into this thread yesterday with gunds blazin... But after reading all the responses I wanted to throw out something new...
What prevents you from doing the non-JW things that you dream about? Why do you need to divorce her in order to do those things? If you get divorced, then you will be alone anyway, until you find a new love interest, at least... So why not stay married, and plan to do what you want to, unrelated to JWs. You can invite her, and if she doesn't want to go, then go with your kids or with friends.
Oomps:"Honey, I'm gonna take a month long-trip on the yacht. Wanna come?"
Mrs. O: "No I can't. I'll miss 8 meetings in a row. My spirituality will shrivel like a scrotum in cold water. Who are ya going with?"
Oomps: "Well, I'm going with my ExJW friends like Bonnzo and my son is coming too."
Mrs. O: "Oh you're killing me, please don't go." (But she'll get used to it... it's better than divorce... maybe she'll even wake up or decide to join you once you take a stand! Remember, JW wives cannot be won without a word... sometimes we need to have balls and take a stand!)
Love ya man...
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undercover
I've started to post on this thread about 4 times now...but everytime I get halfway through my post, I realize that not being in your shoes, I just don't know that any advice I offer would be any good.
We've talked before and you know my circumstance(without going into details in public) while similar is plenty different enough that I don't have the same issues to face as you. I can empathize but I can't know what your feeling but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and I hope things work out.
The only thing I know is that it takes time for these things to work out. It doesn't happen overnight. Patience, young padawan.