If you felt/feel that you had/have good, close "friends" in the org, how did/does it feel to just give them up?

by Crisis of Conscience 83 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Mad Sweeney

  It hurts, especially when the realization that they weren't truly good friends hits you.

  ^^^ this

  I didn't give them up. They gave me up. The gossip let out by the elders invoked the cult-ivated phobias and scared them all off. They're afraid of me and how I might influence them.

  I would be angry with them if I didn't understand that they're manipulated and indoctrinated. You can resent and hate the Borg collective without hating the individuals enslaved by it. But it isn't easy, especially at first.

  Making new friends helps a lot. We've done that to an extent and gotten our kid involved in normal activities and it makes a huge difference.
• 

  Crisis of Conscience

  BTTT
• 

  00DAD

  It hurts of course, it hurts like hell. It's very painful.

  Sometimes I'm angry at them, but then I realize they're still captives of the manipulative, mind-control bs that held me too for so long.

  Then of course there's the isolation afterwards because--assuming you are a "good little JW" and have refrained from making 'worldly' friends and limited your association with your unbelieving relatives--you've got no one! The first two years of isolation were very lonely indeed. But I've slowly begun making friends (real friends that love me for who I am, not who I pretend to be) and rebuilding my relationships with my relatives.

  One thing is for sure: If it's conditional, it ain't love!

  00DAD
• 

  Found Sheep

  What Terry said...

  I honestly thought I was loved by a dozen or so JW's. When I first left my ex I learned the truth about JW friendships and my heart was broken. I needed help and love and understanding and I got the opposite from what I thought were my close friends. The funny thing is the "weak" JW's took me under there wings... Time went on and I married a non JW and any human kindness they showed turned into pure hate.

  To this day, now DA and known apstate, it can bother me. I need to go to town today and I just can't get myself out the door. Almost every time I go I see one and they look at me like I'm the devil. Some days I let it go but other days it can still hurt. Not that I am the devil or even have bad feelings about myself. It hurts knowing how they feel about me. There were my "what I thought" closest friends.

  Now I'm finding real friends and loving it. I love knowing the people I pick in my life are chosen because they are good people and we have things in common. They are not pre chosen for me because they are JW's and may not be the greatest people.
• 

  00DAD

  FS, One thing that helps me when I run into my JW ex-Friends is that I always say a cheery "Hi!" to them. This is especially good if others are around to observe THEIR response.

  If they do respond, I like to follow up with the usual chit-chat, "How's the family/wife/kids/etc.?"

  I did this recently at the post office on a very busy day. It was actually quite humorous. This particular JW/ex-Best Friend is a retired Fire Captain, you know the kind of guy that used to run into burning buildings for a living! Also, he is physically imposing: 6'7" or something like that.

  But when I made small talk he wouldn't even make eye contact with me! I'm quite sure that he wouldn't have acknowledged me at all except for the audience of a dozen or so other post office customers.

  Funny, he pretended things were fine while talking to me out of fear of a bunch of strangers! So much for no "Fear of man!"

  Honestly, I think a lot of current JWs are afraid of those of us that have left because we remind them they are trapped and we've escaped. Even if they can't quite articulate these feelings, I believe that somewhere deep down they sense it. They're jealous of us. We're strong and powerful. They are weak and they know it!

  00DAD
• 

  Found Sheep

  I'm working on it. I want to get to the point I can do that. I have a few times but not every time

  I do agree it bothers them more
• 

  straightshooter

  What made me sad was some of my "close" friends turning on me like vultures. I still have a few friends who are truly nice. But most of my former jw friends treat me as an outcast.
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  Giordano

  It never feels good to lose friends but it would be intolerable/impossible to keep those relationships. After we faded away we really didn't want to associate with those who were still believers we tried a few times because we did have affection for many of them. It was a mutual feeling........ but they really didn't want to associate with us either. One problem was that it limited both of our behaviors, there were a lot of things very meaningful to my wife and I that we couldn't share with them, be it a different sense of reality, expending our knowledge, how we spent our week ends or what holidays we were looking forward to. They on the other hand had to limit what they told us about the KH, or the assembly or mutual acquaintances because we were no longer in that circle. Then there was a feeling that because we were really out of the 'truth.' had in fact rejected it, we had become less. And from our standpoint we felt that they were really out of touch with reality and allowed themselves to be controlled by a dangerous religion that was delusional. A little mutual contempt can quickly destroy any relationship. It was better to move on.
• 

  Giordano

  As far as being shunned I have mixed feelings about that........we weren't shuned just thought less of by our families. There wasn't a visit we made over many many years that lifted our spirits or we theirs. There was a wall between us at all times. Decades went by like that. What missed opportunities!
• 

  finally awake

  I had already realized that no one at the hall was really my friend. Since I hadn't been out in field service in nearly 4 years, virtually no one talked to me anymore and I was rarely invited or included in social activities. So I feel like I lost my "friends" a long time before I actually left the borg.