Can you be in Love with two persons? My Dilemma...

by Intel 79 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Intel
    Intel

    First, don't laugh. I'm not some adolescent teen that is confused about his relationship. What I am going to relate here has become a maior hard ship and is really gnawing at me. I have decided to write this up, in part to hear other experiences, related feelings or cold, hard, rational thinking. But mainly to vent and put things in perspective by writting about it (therapy).

    I am 40 years old, male and left the Borg eight months ago (DA myself). The Basics:

    As many here, I was 20 and she was 18 when we "got" married. I've had girlfriends before, but they where "forbidden" because all of them where "worldly". When I met the person that would become my future wife, I was partly lonely, horny (?) and wanted to move on. The elder that was "taking care" of me (because my father left home, not a Witness) hammered into my mind that as long as it is "in the Lord" it doesn't matter if you are in Love or not. Marriage is a convenience thing, a practical aspect to get my sorry ass out into the pioneer Life. THAT is important.

    We married. I was excited about the prospects (new venture?), but I can't remember being "madly in Love", but then I'm the more relaxed, thinkful, calm person, so I thought this is part of how I handle this kind of things. The Watchtower sucks big time when it comes to educate people about these things. This obviously didn't help.

    For the next 18 years I was married and we grew to bond, rely on each other, we went to Missionary work and had lots of Foreign Assignments as Bethelites in many "shitty" countries. I mention this because we had many, many "adventures" together, difficult, really harsh situations and we sticked together, helping each other and being there as really good friends. These difficult situations helped our marriage even more. I was an elder had multiple occasions where that "sweet pioneer sister" wanted to get into my pants (one of them literally starting to unbutton her blouse, and asking for "help") but I NEVER betrayed my wife, never had looks for any other woman. I thought that I had a mind and heart of steel in a positive way.

    Then things changed. They changed big time. Six years ago I started to fade, dropped my "privileges", left Bethel and came back home from our last Assignment. She came along with me, but our relationship was sour. I had talked to her for over a year about my thinking and stuff I was finding out whilst at Bethel. She never moved. Not O-N-E inch. Once back in "civilian life" we started to have arguments, fights, not talking to each other for days and weeks. I started to get jobs where I could travel and spent as much time as possible far from home. Four years into this, we kind of talk things up and became parents. A sweet little Baby was born and things seemed to look good. But the old fights over "the truth" started again, now even stronger, because "a child is involved" and you "don't want her to die in Armaggedon"....I started to distance myself again until the day that I decided to stop this madness and disfellowshipped myself. She moved out, with the child and we decided to brake up.

    To that time I've meet a girl, casually, not looking to re-marry, to date or anyting. I was just happy to be alone and in peace with myself (although missing my Baby). We started to talk, call each other and talked for hours, no, LONG DAYS. We spent the next six months every single minute together. It was refreshing and fantastic. She understood my past and is very rationale about all this. She helped me to see things from a new perspective and to embrace my new Life. Well, it helped that she comes from a pretty liberal, atheistic family that I absolutely loved! They where totally open minded, happy people - like day and night in comparison to my hard core Witness family. We fell deeply and this time MADLY in love for each other. She is 24......16 years of difference. Thanks to my Watchtower upbringing she is more mature than me in certain aspects.

    We moved in together and have lived and shared everything for the past couple of months. We never fight, harmony & peace. I admit, this is the first year of "freshly fallen in Love" and things can and will change (maybe due to the age difference, but I don't know).

    What happened then? Where is the problem. For the past weeks, my ex-wife has started emailing me long winded, profound emails (we had to maintain contact because of the little child). She started pouring her heart out and me too. We had the "conversations" that we should have had over the years! We share many experiences together that where nice memories - in the past. Now, the really difficult part comes when she told me that she wants to leave the Borg and start a new Life - with me. First I dismissed the idea, because all the fighting is still vivid in my mind, also having the possibility to talk with my new partner about EVERYTHING without being judgemental is a complete new concept for me, that I love. But these other feelings started creeping in, I started having nightmares, dreaming of my old family, feeling some deep feelings for my ex-wife. She started to send me really sweet cards, gifts, and all kinds of poems, books and seems to be different. I miss her "in the good old times" and it hurts me to be separated from a little child that is basically growing up in the Borg, without father.

    It is emotionally killing me, that I have detected feelings for my ex-wife, but I am in deep love with my girlfirend. I don't know what to do, but in the last two weeks this has started to get to me and is eating me from the inside. I have told my ex-wife that I am basically in love with both of them, and I also have told my girlfriend that I have started to develop these feelings. It goes without saying that none of them wants to share me, my girlfriend has been so lovely and understanding that she says that she moves out and only wants me to be happy, even if she has to sacrifice herself for me, but that it hurts her, she cries a lot lately. My wife keeps calling me, emailing and cries as well.

    Is it possible that such thing exists as being polyamorous? I found this interesting article on Wikipedia:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

    I feel like a 15 year old for writing this up.......it was very hard, but I value the thoughts of this community and I'm "in the Open" now, fearing to be "tarred and feathered" but nonetheless it feels good to write things up in a concise way. Thanks for reading this and your precious time.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_polyamorists > List of famous people that where Polyamorists

  • Qcmbr
    Qcmbr

    Absolutely possible. Only you three can decide what to do but since I like to talk here's my worthless but hopefully objective approach.

    1 - Your child is the deciding factor.

    2 - Break up with your current love. Explain why and that its not about love but about your child. Explain that you must split in order to be fair to all parties concerned.

    3 - Tell your wife that you will try again but that it will be a step by step approach that start with basic dating.

    4 - Make no promises but act as if you have (i.e. no cheating and hopping back in bed / contact with current lover).

    5 - If it is working out and you are finding love re-kindling with your wife then close the door on your current love , endure the pain but be the better man because of it. Never let it be a topic of discussion or regret with your wife. Close the door to that beautiful chapter of your life, free your lover and move on.

    6 - If all the above sounds like its too much then do the opposite - close the emotional door on your wife (acknowledge the cost to your child as well) and commit yourself fully to your current lover.

    Loving two women is possible and unless they both accept this and want it (!!!!!!) don't play with it - follow your heart and temper it with your head, be glad to have had the love of two women but commit to one. Don't dangle them both while you try to sort yourself out.

  • THE GLADIATOR
    THE GLADIATOR

    Re: Can you be in Love with two persons?

    Love has no boundaries. If we are capable of love it is impossible to not be in love with any number of people.

    However infatuation, lust and obsession are often mistaken for love.

  • aquagirl
    aquagirl

    Personally,I have no idea how one person can be everything another person needs.Maybe for a few years,but certainly not{in my experiance}for the long haul.You might have a great friend as a spouse.Someone you can talk to etc,but is a total cold fish when it comes to even casual human touch{god forbid you brush against them in your sleeo!}.Or the opposite.Ive had both and dont know which is worse.So,you my friend,are just going through what lots of people go through.Dont worry about wht others will think,just worry about what is right for you,and remember there are always long term ramifications to relationship stuff..You can always get what you want,but if you try sometimes,you just moght get what you need.{not always tho}.

  • breakfast of champions
    breakfast of champions

    I agree with QCMBR - the kid is really the deciding factor here.

  • zzaphod
    zzaphod

    I find that time seems to either, make your past relationships crystal clear, in which case you would be possibly pondering the arguments, splitting up, and the emotional pain/rollercoaster that you both went throughand the possible effects this has or will have on your child.. On the other hand, our memories can become very selective, and you will remember more the happy times you must have had together. After all you have a child, and they don`t come from Walmart.

    I don`t think you can you can honestly love two people in a man/wife way at the same time, it wouldn`t be fair on anyone, including yourself and your kid.

    It`s a very difficult position to be in, I was there once, and unfortunately I made the wrong choice.

    What would be right for you, only you can decide, but I would definately do A LOT of talking with all parties invoved, (not at the same time), and make yor choice very carefully.

    Then stick to it.

    I hope you find happiness whichever way you decide to go.

    All the best

    Paul

  • transhuman68
    transhuman68

    I had to giggle a bit when I read this- sorry. Worst case scenario? You end up with two women trying to kill you... But definitely ask your ex-wife to disassociate from the Witnesses before you make any plans to go back to her, if you do. Remember, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush- literally, in this case. Women are attracted to men that other women are attracted to- your ex may not have been so keen to re-unite if you were still single. Personally, I’d rather juggle hand-grenades- it would be safer!

  • elderelite
    elderelite

    My intial reaction to your post was indeed to think it was posted by a love lorn 18 year old... But as i read i (think) i understood the depth.

    Time in the borg can feel emotionally stunting when we leave. We didnt explore ourselves as we might have free of the cilt, this we question a lot and wonder. Ultimatly though your question to me seems to reflect more on the nature of love than if you can feel it for two people. The short answer, IMHO is of course you can. I have two kids. Love them both. I have two parents. Love them both. I had four grandparents. Loved them all. You prob see a pattern devloping.....

    But i dont think you are asking the proper question. Clearly you have feelings for both. You should ask "why". Your feelings for your ex wife seem to be based on shared history. Your ex wife seems fo feel that too. But reality is your shared history is not your shared furture. You dont want to be in the cult. She does. The arguments and dramma will continue. The foundation, shared religious belief, is gone.

    No one can tell you what path to walk. Freedom from the cult gives you the responsiblity to choose that for yourself. But dont mistake history for love. Dont make the same mistakes twice.

    You can and should be a part of your daughters life no matter what.

    All the best to you. Keep asking questions :-)

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    Give yourself some space to reflect. If you don't do anything you will probably lose them both. It sounds extreamly emotional. Best wishes

    My hubby is 15 years older then me. It at this point, 3 years,it isn't a problem. We do think ahead at the fact he will retire before me and we are in different phases of life. As long as we talk about things so far it's been nice being with someone who is stable and young at heart. I know that wasn't your question but the one thing I have in common. If my ex was the last man on earth I wouldn't spend a second with him

  • NomadSoul
    NomadSoul

    Stay with the younger female.

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