First, don't laugh. I'm not some adolescent teen that is confused about his relationship. What I am going to relate here has become a maior hard ship and is really gnawing at me. I have decided to write this up, in part to hear other experiences, related feelings or cold, hard, rational thinking. But mainly to vent and put things in perspective by writting about it (therapy).
I am 40 years old, male and left the Borg eight months ago (DA myself). The Basics:
As many here, I was 20 and she was 18 when we "got" married. I've had girlfriends before, but they where "forbidden" because all of them where "worldly". When I met the person that would become my future wife, I was partly lonely, horny (?) and wanted to move on. The elder that was "taking care" of me (because my father left home, not a Witness) hammered into my mind that as long as it is "in the Lord" it doesn't matter if you are in Love or not. Marriage is a convenience thing, a practical aspect to get my sorry ass out into the pioneer Life. THAT is important.
We married. I was excited about the prospects (new venture?), but I can't remember being "madly in Love", but then I'm the more relaxed, thinkful, calm person, so I thought this is part of how I handle this kind of things. The Watchtower sucks big time when it comes to educate people about these things. This obviously didn't help.
For the next 18 years I was married and we grew to bond, rely on each other, we went to Missionary work and had lots of Foreign Assignments as Bethelites in many "shitty" countries. I mention this because we had many, many "adventures" together, difficult, really harsh situations and we sticked together, helping each other and being there as really good friends. These difficult situations helped our marriage even more. I was an elder had multiple occasions where that "sweet pioneer sister" wanted to get into my pants (one of them literally starting to unbutton her blouse, and asking for "help") but I NEVER betrayed my wife, never had looks for any other woman. I thought that I had a mind and heart of steel in a positive way.
Then things changed. They changed big time. Six years ago I started to fade, dropped my "privileges", left Bethel and came back home from our last Assignment. She came along with me, but our relationship was sour. I had talked to her for over a year about my thinking and stuff I was finding out whilst at Bethel. She never moved. Not O-N-E inch. Once back in "civilian life" we started to have arguments, fights, not talking to each other for days and weeks. I started to get jobs where I could travel and spent as much time as possible far from home. Four years into this, we kind of talk things up and became parents. A sweet little Baby was born and things seemed to look good. But the old fights over "the truth" started again, now even stronger, because "a child is involved" and you "don't want her to die in Armaggedon"....I started to distance myself again until the day that I decided to stop this madness and disfellowshipped myself. She moved out, with the child and we decided to brake up.
To that time I've meet a girl, casually, not looking to re-marry, to date or anyting. I was just happy to be alone and in peace with myself (although missing my Baby). We started to talk, call each other and talked for hours, no, LONG DAYS. We spent the next six months every single minute together. It was refreshing and fantastic. She understood my past and is very rationale about all this. She helped me to see things from a new perspective and to embrace my new Life. Well, it helped that she comes from a pretty liberal, atheistic family that I absolutely loved! They where totally open minded, happy people - like day and night in comparison to my hard core Witness family. We fell deeply and this time MADLY in love for each other. She is 24......16 years of difference. Thanks to my Watchtower upbringing she is more mature than me in certain aspects.
We moved in together and have lived and shared everything for the past couple of months. We never fight, harmony & peace. I admit, this is the first year of "freshly fallen in Love" and things can and will change (maybe due to the age difference, but I don't know).
What happened then? Where is the problem. For the past weeks, my ex-wife has started emailing me long winded, profound emails (we had to maintain contact because of the little child). She started pouring her heart out and me too. We had the "conversations" that we should have had over the years! We share many experiences together that where nice memories - in the past. Now, the really difficult part comes when she told me that she wants to leave the Borg and start a new Life - with me. First I dismissed the idea, because all the fighting is still vivid in my mind, also having the possibility to talk with my new partner about EVERYTHING without being judgemental is a complete new concept for me, that I love. But these other feelings started creeping in, I started having nightmares, dreaming of my old family, feeling some deep feelings for my ex-wife. She started to send me really sweet cards, gifts, and all kinds of poems, books and seems to be different. I miss her "in the good old times" and it hurts me to be separated from a little child that is basically growing up in the Borg, without father.
It is emotionally killing me, that I have detected feelings for my ex-wife, but I am in deep love with my girlfirend. I don't know what to do, but in the last two weeks this has started to get to me and is eating me from the inside. I have told my ex-wife that I am basically in love with both of them, and I also have told my girlfriend that I have started to develop these feelings. It goes without saying that none of them wants to share me, my girlfriend has been so lovely and understanding that she says that she moves out and only wants me to be happy, even if she has to sacrifice herself for me, but that it hurts her, she cries a lot lately. My wife keeps calling me, emailing and cries as well.
Is it possible that such thing exists as being polyamorous? I found this interesting article on Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
I feel like a 15 year old for writing this up.......it was very hard, but I value the thoughts of this community and I'm "in the Open" now, fearing to be "tarred and feathered" but nonetheless it feels good to write things up in a concise way. Thanks for reading this and your precious time.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_polyamorists > List of famous people that where Polyamorists