Can you be in Love with two persons? My Dilemma... (page 7)

sir82

Philadelphia Ponos once again does his level best to convince the world that being a Christian means being a 5 star gold plated prick.

Well done, sir! Jesus must be quite proud of you.

Intel

"...Compassion and politeness never hurts..."

Thanks Band on the Run.

Thanks sir82.

"...Intel only gave us the highlights from his viewpoint. ..."

This is why I decided to write here, because I admit that my viewpoint is tinted, biased and distorted by emotions. I wanted to have the opinions of people that have lived similar things through their Lifes and how it worked out. That is all. I am not some saint. I made mistakes. Hell, I am right now making some mistakes....

My ex left me and took the child with her, because of my "unworthiness" as a father. Not being a Witness was enough for her to take that call. Before that, I did everything to keep her at home with the Baby, worked, did everything in my reach to make this family work - sacrificing myself. Everything started to crumble, when I wrote that dissacociaton letter. That was the End. Now, I am the one that is reconsidering things, because of her decision to leave the Borg (up until now, it is only words, she hasn't "pulled the cord", recently started missing meetings and service. I am not totally assured that she will leave - there is a risk that I would take).

But I am considering this foremost because of my Baby girl, that I miss and love above myself. I don't know if she will ever know this.

still thinking

Intel...I can relate to what you say about the stigma...I was married for over 12 years to a man 21 years my senior. Older women tend to look at you like you are trash. And men treat your husband like he is some sort of sex god. You know, little comments, winks etc.

I don't see the age difference as a woman wanting a sugar daddy...more of a father figure. But she has a father in her life so maybe that doesn't apply to her. Unless of course her father is in name only. There are fathers and there are parents. My father was a violent alcoholic who was sectioned when I was 8. In hindsight, I was the typical girl looking for a father. That doesn't work though, because we grow up, and they have already grown to where they are going to be. As strange as it sounds, I outgrew my husband. We get along fine.....now.....but I really think he is immature for his age.

My current partner is 5 years younger than me. We get on really well. I feel like he is my soul mate. But I suppose, due to my past experience I can't help wondering if he is also after a mother figure....who knows? 5 years isn't that much I suppose. He has a brother the same age as me.

You just described how I felt about young guys when I was in my 20's. That is a warning sign to me. She isn't that grown up.

I am not saying go back to your ex because of how I feel about age differences. Not at all. You need to follow you heart and head. I'm sure you will decide what is right for you if you give it some time. I am just sharing my experiences to hopefully give you another perspective.

Intel

....and I thank you still thinking. You are "further ahead in the game" than me. She has a strong father figure in her Life, I don't know why she was attracted to someone older than her (I am the first time, her previous boyfriends where in her age range). I think you have a point. I fear that in 10 or 15 years or so, I will be 55 and she will be in my current age. I changed between my 20s and my 40s - I fear that she starts changing and could feel stuck with someone older than her. I think she will change in tastes, ideas, ...but then I might be wrong. I just don't know. I am torn and need to step back, because this is starting to eat away - emotionally, physically and I haven't been able to work - I never expected my wife to come around the corner, saying that she will leave the Borg and that we should get back together. That was totally unexpected - I tried so hard, for so many years to get her out of the Borg...she holded to everything, no matter what.

still thinking

If your wife had never made those statements....if nothing changed between the two of you how would you feel about your girlfriend? How did you feel about her BEFORE your wife dropped the bombshells and gave you hope of being a 'family' again.

I know what people write on here can be misunderstood. But from what I have read of your situation, your writing seems to lean towards going back with your wife 'primarily' because you want a good relationship with your daughter. You CAN have a good relationship with her anyway. It's up to you.

Just as a side note...Your wife may be changing her attitude slowly...but in the end she already chose someone/somthing else over you. I'm not sure I would want to go back to a relationship because they had changed their mind.

If you chose the younger woman, stayed with her for years then decided it wasn't for you. Maybe you were wrong??? Do you think your wife would take you back? I see the borg as the other man....she chose him over you. And now, she has changed her mind.

Sorry, that probably didn't help much. But as I said, I am neither for or against you going back to your ex or staying with your girlfriend. Just things to think about.

Sic Semper Tyrannis

Sounds like you have quite the emotional quandary. Now that the cat is out of the bag about you having feelings for your ex, you have to make do with a difficult choice. As my father often told me, some women might forgive, but none of them forget. Whether you realize it or not, there is now a emotional block between you and your girlfriend. Yes, you can go back to her and claim it is her that you choose, but the fact that it had to come to a choice between an ex-wife and her is not likely to be put in the back of anyone's mind. Nobody over the age of 16 ever wants to be on either side of a "choice". Being that you will still have contact with your ex-wife no matter how this turns out, it's going to create a conflict with your girlfriend who knows about the continuing emotional connections. The fact that you freely admit to these emotional connections with your ex is telling. There is something in her that you still desire.

On the flip side, there is some degree of permanency to a divorce. It's not a pleasant outcome by any means, and a lot of emotional baggage attached. Formerly divorced couples have been known to re-unite, but there is always an emotional minefield to go along with it. At one point neither of you wanted each other any more. That fact will never leave you. If your girlfriend didn't know about this at all, I would have advised you to stick with her and the route less cluttered with unpleasant feelings. Now you'll going to have to come to a decisive conclusion. Think about where you want to go with either mate. What future do you see? You only have one chance to make the right choice. Since none of us here know much about the personality characteristics of either party, you are a better expert than anyone else. The way you described both women makes them both sound appealing. If you do choose the ex, I would strongly advise you to make her split from the JWs a pre-requisite to any possible reunion. You don't need that in your life anymore. Good luck!

still thinking

In the end, if we love someone and think they love us back it is a risk we take. Regardless of how old anyone is. A relationship can end just as easily with someone your own age. You can grow apart from someone your own age...you can also change so much you hardly know each other.

What it comes down to is....who is your soul mate. Not which is the better choice. All relationships have risks.

If you never saw one of them again...who whould you be most upset about? (and I'm not talking about your daughter, she is a seperate issue)

skeeter1

When you are 85 years old, . . . what will your relationship with your daugther be like? And, why will it be like that? What can you do today to start to make a change to better your future relationship with your daughter?

Will this divorce with her mother, make your daughter more stable in future relationships? Will you seeing another women, cause your daughter any problems - either short term or long, especially in her ability to trust others?

I knew one woman who went back with a semi-abusive husband. Why? He went to counseling. Also, she didn't want/trust any other man being around thier daughter. They had a pretty good second marraige.

If your wife remarries, how will another man raising your daughter make you feel? Will you trust another man in the same house when your daugther turns 13, 14, 15, 16, 17?

Every action that we do, affects a myriad of folks. And, how it affects those folks, comes back to you, eventually. It ain't all about you.

Some relationships start out with passion, talking forever, and a real "click." Then, the hum-drum of every day life kicks in. Other marraiges start out "hum-drum" but the two bond through life's struggles and triumphs. Other marraiges, well, they just get some toys for the nightstand! LOL.

Skeeter

Honesty

Don't do anything until your wife publicly leaves the cult.

Philadelphia Ponos

@Skeeter1

Excellent post. Unforunately it doesn't appear that Intel cares about his daughter so I don't he'll take anything you said to heart.I find it funny that the majority of posters on here are focusing on Intel's love life rather than the fact that his daughter is currently fatherless. It nice to see you all have your priorities straight.

Can you be in Love with two persons? My Dilemma...

Share this