Can you be in Love with two persons? My Dilemma...

by Intel 79 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  techdotcom

  Short answer in my opinion is yes, I agree with many of the posts that there is no limit to how many you can have affection and a connection with. I hesitate to use the word "love" simply because it can mean different things to different people. You can love a good friend and there be no sexual connection yet you may feel they are as part of your life as any spouse.

  You have an opportunity and a tough path to follow in figuring out what your feelings mean to you and your loves. You may want to keep that connection to both but they may not agree or you may not feel like that is what you want and that you need to decide on one or the other in either case. There's no right or wrong answer here, just what you can make work and what everyone in this situation wants.

  Your not a bad guy and did nothing wrong that I can see. No lying or cheating, you fell in love and thats great! But falling back in love with your ex isn't wrong either although it does understandably complicate things with both your new love and your ex. Just be honest with them and yourself and do your best.

  It sounds as if all of you are interested in a traditional monogamous relationship, in that situation you will have to choose who to stay with as a partner. But there are other possible configurations that can work, with time and effort. Lots of people live happy and non monogomas lives with 2, 3 or more people they are intimate with and even share their lives. It's up to you to figure out what you want and make the best decision you can based on that.

  Good luck and I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation, I don't think anyone should have to choose who to love and force themselves to throw away any happiness because they are told its just how its supposed to be. What has worked for me may not work for you or be desirable but I urge you to at least give it some thought and maybe read some on polyamory and see if that could work for you and yours.
• 

  Found Sheep

  One silly thought. Why did your ex go there knowing you are/were in a relationship? If you choose to focus on the GF there will need to be lines cuz well regardless you will be part of her life. Just saying
• 

  Intel

  Thanks techdotcom very thoughtful and heartfelt on your part. I am glad to hear that I'm not the "bad guy" ....because of my JW upbringing I still feel like one from times to times. My ex makes me feel like that because of the "betraying" eventhough I informed her from the Beginning of my new relationship, didn't keep secretes to neither one of the two girls. I informed the new gf about my status as well. So everything was very open and transparent (although not easy). I need to distance myself from this situation somehow and do some hard thinking and "look" into my heart. Right now this is making me sick to my heart and literally sick as well (couldn't work for a couple of days now).

  Found Sheep: Good question. At the beginning my ex was all distant, even hidding my daughter from me and doing the complete "Watchtower-Theater", being really mad at me for diswelloshipping myself and for the new relationship. She shutted down on me. That made things easier, emotionally she was no longer in my circle (eventhough I had feelings of attachment and fondness - 18 years are 18 years - AND as someone here noted "Babies don't come from Walmart" - - I really liked that one!) But I was out of her Life, she kind of hated me and I had to move on. I now think that Mr. Flipper is absolutely right, that I should have waited before entering a new relationship and first needed to enter into a peaceful state and "find myself". THAT would have been perfect, nonetheless I really felt in Love, Love struck me like never before. I don't even thought that such strong feelings for someone where posible. I always had that strange idea that was hammered into my mind: Love? Love is based on principles and Jehovah being the 3rd rope and blahblablah..."boy" was I wrong!!!

  Basically my ex started communicating with me because of stuff related to our daughter (needs, practical things). Little by little I regained contact to my little one. Then my ex started calming down, became more talkative, more "Buddy-like", then she started reading stuff about the Borg (without telling me) and the pinnacle was now that she says: I called it a day, this IS a pile of BS. First I was suspicious because it took me so many years bringing up point after point, having so many long conversations - at Bethel even showing her proof that they where lying to us. It seemed to me as a "sudden" change or some kind of trick on her part, but she started to fade and seems sincere to me. This makes things more complicated, because besides of our religious differences, I loved her. She was the most wonderful wife and mother in other aspects. Although I still have fears that she will bring her Watchtower baggage into the "new" relationship and we will still have stuff to work out.

  Aaaaargh, Life is so complicated!!!!!! Or we do it more complicated than it is - I don't know anymore...
• 

  jamiebowers

  Please don't go back to your ex-wife simply for the sake of your child. You'll be a much better father if you're happy and fulfilled in life. Only you know how you really feel about each woman. But keep in mind that your ex, having newly exited the cult, hasn't taken the time to get to know herself or what she really wants. It's not good to make decisions out of fear, but there's a good chance your ex will wind up leaving you if you two get back together.

  If you really love your girlfriend, then stay with her, but be involved in your daughter's life. Let the ex down easy by telling her that she has a whole new life to explore and that you're leaving room for her to find someone else to be in the place that she thinks you should now be.
• 

  Band on the Run

  Are you aware that love and "in love" are different situations? I pity the women. You sound nice. Be careful they don't resolve your situation for you. There are plenty of fish in the sea. One of them is tied down a tad bit with your child.
• 

  Razziel

  Lot's of good advice. I would like to add that by being open and transparent you may have inadvertently poisoned the well with your GF if you decide to stay with her long-term. By discussing this with her, you've let her know you are at least considering leaving her for your ex. And if you don't, since you will have continued contact with your ex because of your daughter, it will always be in the back of your GF's mind that maybe next month or next year you might change your mind. And that can be a serious wedge in your relationship with her. It's good to want to be honest and not hurt anyone's feelings, but sometimes it's better to hold your feelings close to your chest until you've truly made up your mind, and then make a clean break.
• 

  elderelite

  I often remind self:

  Life is no harder than we make it.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  It happens all the time. I don't think we have any say so over whom we fall in love with either. It sure puts you in a pickle (baseball term for non americans) when it happens.
• 

  moshe

  IMO, going back won't assuage your past guilt for very long.
• 

  Aussie Oz

  Hi Intel...Similar situation to me...but without the bethel bit...

  wife number two is 17 years younger than me.

  Wife number one came back for a retry with me after our divorce, i said no way. She did not like me let alone love me, she was just scared because she had to start again too... better the devil you know. In fact i disgusted her, she hated me.

  I decided it was in the childrens better interest that i had a happy life apart than a miserable one with their mother. To be together for the sake of the kids does no good to anybody, in fact teaches the kids the wrong lesson about life in my opinion.

  I had several what i call 'healing relationships the first few years, relationships that helped me heal and grow.

  You have tough choices, myself, i resolved to NOT form a relationship with another woman until i was 100% never going back, that way, i would not be in the pickle you find yourself in.

  Love, happiness and acceptance for your authentic self are paramount. The kids need a happy well adjusted father, not one trapped in an unhappy house.

  A word of warning from my experience: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. (I know its cliched and maybe sexist so i appologise to the ladies, it's just a saying!).

  My ex turned what was her great 'love' into an extraordinary hate like you cannot imagine after i rejected her second go.

  Oz