Can you be in Love with two persons? My Dilemma...

by Intel 79 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Intel

  Right now I don't have much time to write in this thread, but I just wanted to say to Philadelphia Ponos: You are WRONG! You see, your self-righteous "christian" attitude makes you the perfect jehobars witness elder - why don't you go back and become an elder? I served with plenty of assholes like you that are "quick on the trigger" to judge others, without looking deeper. Unfortunately for people like you there are no more witch hunts and burnings at the stake. Now go, look in the mirror and pat yourself for being a fantastic person.

  skeeter1: Thank you for these thoughts. I couldn't sleep, was almost all night awake because of these and other comments here.

  Thinking about this, I couldn't bear to know that some other man is rising my child! When she was born I was the only one around to take care of her (for the first days, as her mother had to stay in hospital due to an emergency), so our bond is pretty strong (I couldn't breastfeed :-) , but took care of the first hours and days by bottle feeding, changing diapers, etc.)

  Our separation was because of the unsurpassing discussions about religious issues (mother forcing her to pray when she was 1 year old, child crying and mother "losing it" because - you know - the big J. in Heaven will strike a little child because she wasn't folding her hands to pray!, or taking her to the Kingdom Hall, eventhough she was sick - because you know the "slave" says it doesn't matter, ....."force reading" of the Bible Stories book) - all this shite that was getting to me. I had flashbacks about my own childhood and vividly remembered how I was introduced to this cult (my mother being a 200%-Witness for 40 years)...it made me sick and my opposition to her "methods" grew, until the day that I couldn't take it anymore and DA'ed myself...you know the rest of the story.

  So besides of the religious related problems that we had, our marriage was pretty stable, more the "hum-drum"-type of marriage, but nevertheless good (even with her strong character). My daughter is one of my main concerns - otherwise I wouldn't be here considering what to do and wouldn't have separated from my girlfriend to create some "thinking distance"!

  As for telling both of them about the circumstances: I couldn't be lying to either one of them, I felt that it was unfair - even with the risk of losing one or both of them. I might be wrong with this, but that was just how I felt at the time. Couldn't do to them what the Watchtower did to us: lying.
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  finally awake

  Intel, you sound like an honorable man. You could just disappear from your child's life, doing nothing more than paying whatever child support is ordered. My father didn't do even that much for me, and it still hurts. Whatever you decide, remember that even 40 years from now, your child will remember your actions. Make sure she knows how much you love her and how much you want to be with her.
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  Sic Semper Tyrannis

  The reason why people are focusing on his love life is because the poster framed his question in this way, and having a daughter was given as a supplemental detail. Whether or not he is (or wants) to be a father to his daughter is his own business. If the question was framed about whether or not to be a father to her, I think the answer would have been unanimously in favor of him re-establishing contact and making the best out of a bad situation.
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  skeeter1

  Intel,

  Ok, you are thinking long and hard about your daughter. Her life is your #1. She is your #1 woman.

  Now, I will try to talk about having 2 vaginas available and being 'in love' at the same time with both of them (and the woman's minds that go along with them too...). People say that "you're cheating on your wife" or that "you're cheating on your girlfriend" . . . . but, what is really going on is that you are cheating YOURSELF. When you are in love with 2 women (if you are programmed normal), then you are robbing yourself of an exclusive love. You can't be 'with one" without "thinking of" the other. Even, if you "let the other go." Unless the love dies a real death, as opposed to a compromise, your soul is split in two. And, over time, that's not a good place to be in. Remember what it was like to be in "love" with just one person, with no one else "renting space" in your mind? You were free to love at abandon. But, when there are two, your heart is divided. It is not free to love any one 100%. And, that is how I say, "You are cheating yourself (out of a whole-hearted, love of your life, being).

  Skeeter
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  still thinking

  Excellent post. Unforunately it doesn't appear that Intel cares about his daughter so I don't he'll take anything you said to heart.I find it funny that the majority of posters on here are focusing on Intel's love life rather than the fact that his daughter is currently fatherless. It nice to see you all have your priorities straight.

  What planet do you live on PP? He has made the point continuously that he loves his daughter...that is not in doubt.

  People are focusing on his love life because he asked advice about his love life. His daughter is NOT fatherless...she has a father that loves and cares about HER. He has never said anywhere he doesn't want to be a part of her life. Stop making things up.
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  Intel

  I have come back to this thread. Re-read some of the posts...and thinking. Doing some damn hard thinking.

  This is the hardest that I've ever had to do! My heart is bleeding, the pain is at some times almost unbearable....I never thought that I could even feel to the point where I literally get pain and body aching. My thoughts constantly drift to my girlfriend, but at the same time I look at some little toys that I have kept from my Baby and some cards that her mother sent me and start crying....an adult man....crying....the spiraling of feeling ever more miserable and not knowing what to do, combined with a fogged mind is robbing me of a good nights sleep....I awoke during the night with cold sweat and my heart racing, my head pounding...I wasn't even dreaming...Just like that. One minute asleep, the other all chaos and confusion.

  ...Today I had to attend to some business stuff and felt dizzy and pale, because I passed a coffee shop where I used to go with my girlfriend...I am not making this up! I am fighting the thoughts and want to let her go and forget about emotions and just be rational and take care of my personal Life. Right now even getting up feels like lifting heavy weights.

  I'm looking forward to come out of this "in one piece" and sane...
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  Intel

  skeeter1: How true......my little One is woman #1...Throughout the day I have reminded myself of that. It IS very painful to have my soul "split in two".

  still thinking: AMEN! Thanks...
• 

  NomadSoul

  PP's father wasn't there to take him to the fair, to change his underwear.

  Intel, never make a decision when you're angry, hungry, lonely, or tired.
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  caliber

  Intel

  As much as all your feelings are mixed I think your new love life is just too new. It is still in the honeymoon period !

  The fact of the age difference will surface years down the road should give serious questions in your mind, in your care for

  your gf. On the other hand your daughter will grow up towards you if you take a greater share in her life now.

  Also it appears the greatest obstacle with your wife was religious issues... she appears to be moving towards you.

  Consider also "your history " built with your wife... there are situations and understanding that would take years to replace or adapt to.

  After a separation what a person needs are "growing relationships" not lovers... not being involved in a love relationship until you

  have healed some of your emotional pain ."Always relationships which start when you are in deep pain will add to your misery"

  From the book ...... "Rebuilding when your relationship ends" Dr.Bruce Fisher

  You don't want to hurt people you say... I feel exactly the same way as you, but lets face it , at this point someone is going to be hurt !

  Dr. Fishers says in his book after putting 6000 people through his divorce classes that it takes two to five years to clear your head

  to find who you are and what you truly need in a new love relationship. "Fresh and new" may not be better just different in the excitement.

  The following statistics were complied from the National Center for Health Statistics (2002)

  Fifteen percent of second marriages ended after 3 years and almost a quarter after 5 years
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  JustThatGirl007

  Intel -- You wrote this about a convo you had with your girlfriend: She answered that children that have both parents, in a sour relationship will feel more miserable than children that grow up without one of them, but are loved from both.

  I can attest to the truth of that statement. My parents NEVER should have had kids, let alone stay together simply because they thought it best for us. HELL. NO.

  Whatever decision you come to, I hope it brings you some peace. :)

  Someone else suggested you wait to pursue anything w/ your wife until AFTER she publicly leaves the borg. I think that's good advice, if that's the decision you come to.

  Philadelphia Ponos needs a swift kick in the ass. Or the face. Whichever feels more satisfying at the moment...