Setback

by EdenOne 91 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Sorry to read your woes.

  She said it won't happen again, but given what the cult mentallity does to people, I'm not so sure I can trust her.

  Watch your back. I don't have kids, my wife and I are otherwise in a similar position. I trust her, but don't tell her all I do because she might one day feel compelled to report it. The other day, we were talking about our recent Mayoral election and she asked, "Did you vote?" I said "No, if I vote, someone will tell my mother to never speak to me again." Her reply was, "You don't have to tell anyone that you voted." "Yeah, but YOU just asked. Should I lie to you or say it's none of your business?" Her reply was "I guess I did ask. You will have to say 'None of my business.'"

  Hopefully, your wife will one day tire of the life she returned to.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  I'm never surprised to hear of that situation when it happens because I have considered it myself. My best "trusted" friend who is also "OUT" says he "fakes it". He attends about 50% of the meetings and all the special events with his wife who is a diehard JW (in a hypocritical way). That way they maintain all of their friends and social contacts and social status. He doesn't want to compromise the relationship with any of his kids who are still "IN" and married to JWs. (None of them are diehards, but it's their social network too.) It works for him.

  I made a couple half hearted attempts at it in the past before my wife fully awakened. It was torture to sit through all the 5th Grade level drivel BS at the meetings. I was afraid I would be "outted" by my facial expressions or by the dozens of times I would roll my eyes at the BS "from above". But I truly do miss the association -- the social interaction from several who were close friends. And you can tell who the real friends are because they are not shunning me (I'm inactive -- NOT DA or DF). You know how they treat us "weak" inactive members.

  My wife has now fully awakened and we're on the same page. She too misses the association with old JW friends. And making new friends on the outside is difficult. First, because it was sooo easy making JW friends, because it was "automatic". You're a JW so you're their friend. Easy. As long as you remain a good JW.

  Well, there is no "automatic" friendship in the real world. Making a real friend is real work. Most people's friends are from school, college, work, sports, hobbys, etc. We avoided making those friends when we were JWs because they were "worldly" and could put us at spiritual risk. So, for us, we are 40 years behind on building a network of real friends.

  Fade. Fake. Whatever works for some, might not or will not work for others. Your mileage may vary. Many here have strong opinions one way or the other. Do what is good for you and your wife.

  Good luck,

  Doc
  
• 

  zophar

  So sorry for your dilemma.

  It does sound like you have a good marriage in many ways and I'm happy to hear you are not seriously thinking of divorce. Hope the same is true of your thinking of suicide, you are not seriously considering it.

  I notice you mention the Sister studying with your wife that she and her husband are a nice couple. That tells me you are a very balanced person. You have strong feelings against the Org, based on logic, research and study, but you can still recognize that their are nice people that are part of it. Focus on that because that is what your wife is seeing. She is going to church at the Kingdom Hall just like millions of people do in their respective religions. "The Truth" isn't as important as the social structure and her lifelong friends. I actually think that should be encouraging for you.

  Don't panic or rush. Let her know how this is making you feel without accusing her of trying to be hurtful to you, just report how you "feel". I think you have a strong enough marriage that you will see good results from this.

  Our goal in life should not be to change one another but to love one another.

  I hope the best for you and your wife. Sorry to hear of the death of her mother.
• 

  Finkelstein

  I saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral ...

  Unfortunately JWs are known to take advantage of a person's vulnerability particularly when someone's family member has died or they sense someone is under a situation of stress like a divorce or other personal trauma.

  Exploiting those situations makes for an easy target in their eyes to love bomb and show attention to essentially exploit the situation for their own underhanded agenda.
  
• 

  FayeDunaway

  Also, your wife is mourning her mother and wants to see her again in paradise. She may not believe everything, but I'm thinking she's hoping that part is true.

  I can sympathize with you Eden...if my husband started becoming a witness again I would want to die too. I don't know what I would do. It would be tempting to give him the ultimatum of the religion or me. But even if he chose me, forcing him to choose wouldn't be healthy. You must be so frustrated. I agree with other posters to be patient. Let her go through her mourning, that will get easier in a couple of years, or she may well experience some annoying pressure or hatefulness first. Meanwhile YOU loveBomb her like the new poster Tasmanian said.

  its a shame she never did further research on the religion, that makes all the difference. ....maybe if she doesn't start turning back, you will make peace with it like many posters here have. One day at a time.
• 

  TheListener

  Wow, a lot of great feedback on this thread.

  Dubs seem to swing back and forth like a clock pendulum. From hot to cold and back again. From my own experience I know it's hard but if you can keep being patient she may very well swing back again and this time be more convinced that it's not the truth. Being a dub takes a lot of effort and unless she is 100% convinced it's the truth she will tire out. IMHO.

  But, I just want you to know that I understand the feeling of loss and frustration that you have right now. It can eat you up and make you act very differently from your normal personality if you let it. Please keep posting here and venting here because there are a lot of great posters who will listen and reply.
• 

  ToesUp

  Doc...you said it! "You're a JW so you're their friend. Easy. As long as you remain a good JW."

  IMHO...who wants friends like that. Conditional friends are not the ones I want. We have made some great evil/worldly friends (lol) who seem to like our company. I like those friends better. There are some nice people out there you just gotta go out and find them.
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  EdenOne

  Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and advice. In particular, thank you Tazemanian-devil, who felt compelled to sign up to the board to offer encouragement. Welcome to the board. We're here to help each other out and sometimes we offer help, sometimes we receive help. A heartfelt embrace to all and thank you.

  And yes - I have used the expression "plastic friends" to refer to those instant friends in JWdom who love you just on account of your religious affiliation, but who run to the hills at a drop of a hat when you're "spiritually weak" or "inactive". Making friends like that is easy - and lazy. I feel unprepared to make friends outside this stupid cult, but perhaps music will help. If only I wasn't so damn depressed at the moment, I haven't touched any of my instruments in months because I can't get my head around it.

  Eden
• 

  Crazyguy

  I wonder if you can continue to plant seeds like the resurrection hope was an Egyptian religious teaching originally or if you can talk about the teachings of this gcharacter Jesus and mention how they don't do what he taught like exalting themselves judging others shunning by not greeting ones etc..
• 

  EdenOne

  We had many great conversations as we jogged together. She listened and even agreed with many things. She can't accept that a loving God would destroy billions of people in an Armageddon. She doesn't agree with 607 and thinks 1914 is just wrong. But go figure. None of that is relevant. Doesn't matter. She just wants to be back. There's no rationality in it, except the emotional pull and the need to remain in the social circle.

  Eden