by EdenOne 91 Replies latest jw experiences
My advice? Flip the script.
If you're normally warm and loving, be cold and distant. If you normally help out around the house, let it slide... especially if she's too busy with meetings to do her fair share. Make sure you have your own things going on and let her see you having a good time doing them.
Sometimes you have to knock people off their pedestal on occasion to get them to appreciate you.
Reward the behavior in her that you want to see.
It may sound cruel but it is effective.
She told me she doesn't care the Organization is right or wrong, she just wants to be back.
I am sure that is true of a good many of them. The truthfulness of "The Truth" no longer matters. This is their club, their home, their friends. They feel secure,tell themselves that "the world" is evil and they have a wonderful future. If you repeat it enough, it becomes real. (The Mormons believe that Joseph Smith met an angel - because they wish to believe). The fact that they refuse to entertain other thoughts shows their determination to believe, no matter what...
. As I said several times in this forum, beware of the emotional pull from the congregation. It's really powerful,
That is so true. I have felt it many times , I still feel it sometimes. I could have associates, "friends" to see several times a week... things to do, places to be, a life where people depended on me, respected me - just like it used to be. The trouble is that the genie is out of the bottle. I know now. I know that it is just not true, so how can I teach it?
My very best wishes Eden....I hope it works out for you . I have a hunch that things will go back to normal.....
Thanks for posting even if it was painful.
Quite a bit of good advice here.
I think looking at this as respectful and patiently may be the hardest, yet may yield the best results.
Don't stop her from attending, yet do not give your approval that this is somehow good.
Nothing has changed in the ORG except more videos for them to watch.
I don't think her return will stick if she has also seen behind the curtain. ( She knows things )
Listening to fake explanations and lies gets old if you know what they are.
Keep us updated and try to remain calm.
Even I feel the pull. There are some truly great people in there, if one removes the cult mentallity out of the equation. I sometimes find myself wondering: "If only they didn't require you to buy the whole package"; "If only i could only attend a meeting now and then and be left alone"; "if only I could be free to hold my opinions and not be shunned for them"... Perhaps there could be a compromise formula. But since I'm not a hypocrite, and have low tolerance for hypocrites, it couldn't work. It's all or nothing, black or white for them. Some actually understand my situation, but they're afraid of the zealots and pharisees that are in charge.
Eden
I saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral ...
The congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.....Eden
It will die off eventually. The "love" never lasts. She will be expected to buck and be happy......Blondie
Good Morning Eden..
.
Anytime there`s a disaster,JW`s go running back to the WBT$..
After 911,Kingdom Hall parking lots were full.....That faded..
If there`s a death in the Family,JW`s take the opportunity to Love Bomb the Grieving..
Like Blondie pointed out,that never lasts..
Your wife won`t matter to them once they think they have her back..
She`ll be one more JW not doing enough for the WBT$....Reality should Set In fairly quickly after that..
You`ll have your Mrs.back..
.
.......................................All You Need To Do..
...................................IS WEATHER THE STORM..
........................
EdenOne,
I so feel for you on this. You're getting some great advice here on this thread - decide what works for your marriage and what you're comfortable with, even if the situation itself is probably your worst nightmare. At least you could see this coming, so that shows how well you know her - trust THAT knowledge. My heart aches for you, and I can see see how rational you've been throughout it all. I hope that this phase of your lives together will be short-lived, for both of your sakes.
I'm completely out and done (inactive and never going back, don't believe it anymore), and my husband is inactive, but mentally still a JW. He says he's never going back, but he's got older faithful JW parents. I can totally see this happening to him when his parents die. He still believes in the resurrection, still believe it's "the truth", but of course, hasn't done any investigating on his own. He just quit everything and he's glad to not be on the JW treadmill again. He's also not very social and doesn't like people in general (probably because they were JWs), so getting him to learn how to make a real friend and how much work it is (from his point of view) is pretty tough. I can see this happening to him too, once his parents die. I'm steeling myself for this potential turn of events. I don't know how I will handle this, but it's good to be prepared.
Keep visiting here and drawing strength and empathy from wherever you find it. Of course, keep us posted.
Mac n Cheese
Hi Eden One
Am new here - just wanted to send heartfelt support and acknowledgement of your painful circumstances.
You have wonderful support here from so many folk who have shared on the forum. May it strengthen you and soften the hurt.
Perhaps I have a lot to learn about intimate relationships, marriage in particular. I cannot understand how soul mates, best friends, trusted spouses who love each other through and through despite each one's foibles can so easily be enticed into doing something in the relationship that significantly changes it. Your wife might as well be sleeping with another man (or woman). This yo-yoing suggests you both don't share the same "space" involving religious beliefs. She doesn't even seem to care about the impact of her sudden decision on you. Talk about acting unfaithfully.
Man, this is either worth fighting for - or a sign that the marriage was never one in which you had both felt like soul mates, best friends and trusted spouses.
This truly is a time of reflection for you. If the quality of your marriage is at the mercy of your wife's religious vulnerability, you're facing an Everest without a ready supply of essentials to navigate the climb.
. As I said several times in this forum, beware of the emotional pull from the congregation. It's really powerful,
"That is so true. I have felt it many times , I still feel it sometimes. I could have associates, "friends" to see several times a week... things to do, places to be, a life where people depended on me, respected me - just like it used to be. The trouble is that the genie is out of the bottle. I know now. I know that it is just not true, so how can I teach it?"
So true - so true.
