Steve2, for what is worth our marriage spans over two decades already, and we were typical JW, married our first boyfriend/girlfriend. My wife always more entrenched than I ever was (RP for many years) but I did just enough to go up the ladder up to the point I was an elder doing relevant parts in CCs. There was always something I couldn't put my finger on that didn't resonate with me, but naturally, the guilt of displeasing Jehovah and the fear of Armageddon haunted me. Plus, I was entirely convinced we had "the truth" or very close to that. Although my wife constantly pushed me to take the lead and do more, I always took my own pace and never was in the mood to kiss a** to progress. We were popular in our congregation and always kept a youthful mood that attracted both young and old. And my wife has a smile and laugh to die for :)
We have been a good match, we were lucky, I guess. Then the mental health of my wife had a major issue as she began to deal with severe bipolar disorder, and I became her caretaker. For nearly eight years we went through hell with suicide attempts, confinements to mental hospitals etc. I've put up with a lot of crappy times and stood right there with her and helped her see through until she has reached stability. We accomodated to a slower-paced JW lifestyle, I quit being an Elder and went to be an MS, and things were in a gentle pace. Until I began to investigate TTATT. She felt something was wrong with me because I started to be critical of the Organization here and there, not nodding to everything said from the platform, until one day she picked up an article I had writted about some doctrine and took it to the Elders. I had told her that she had a choice before her, and to chose carefully. She chose to take it to the elders on my back, in hopes that she was "saving me". Perhaps, but she also did it because she was spiteful that our child quit going to the meetings and blamed me for being the evil apostate that did it. She even told me that if there was a burning hell, I surely deserved to be sent there.
This led me to a trialing time with the elders, and a veritable whitch hunt. All through the process my wife could see that I was being treated unfairly by the elders, and she felt for the first time what is it to not have freedom of thought and freedom of expression within the congregation. It came to a head when, one insomiac night, she found out online material about the child abuse scandals and Barbara Anderson's website. Overnight, she told me that she decided to stop going to the meetings and no longer wanted to be a Jehovah's Witness. I felt overjoyed. Naturally, her decision caused havoc on her side of the family and the elders decided it was time to form a JC on grounds of apostasy. I started a cold war on social media, letting the congregation members know that I was going to be trialed on a JC and, and hinting what the reason was. The pressure I put on and the fierce defense I put up on the JC (I managed to force the COBE, who was leading the witch hunt to stay out of my JC) and I ended up being only "publicly reproached". From then on, I stopped attending meetings, so did my wife, who, by then, took my side and supported me through and through. When we stopped going to meetings we both felt the atrocious shadow of shunning haunting us.
However, things between us were better than ever. We were both experiencing a feeling of liberation and freedom that was full of promise for the future. We drew plans for what to do when we were successfully fading, we discussed openly TTATT, it was great, and our child came out of a very dark period of adoslescence and started blossoming again.
Until her mother died. The funeral service brought us back in contact with the congregation and everyone was nice to both of us, but the lovebombing on her (as daughter) was very intense. I know for a fact that many thought that she was under my evil control. As for me, rumors that I went apostate abounded, so there was a bit of distance, but overall, I was given a decently warm welcome. However, I've noticed how the love bombing impacted my wife and from that day on, she drew closer to the old friends in the congregation and slowly started to distance herself from me. In a couple of months, the turnaround was complete. I can see she's conflicted, she's depressive, despite claiming to feel good about going back. She sees how hurt I feel for her choice, but she can also be very determined. And again, to my sadness, I realize that our marriage comes second to her faith. But, don't all good witnesses get indoctrinated that way? What's new...
I'm coming to that age when you start making decisions for the second half of your adult life. Do I really want to waste my remaining years of healthy adult life in this religiously divided household, looking over my shoulder, sleeping with one that may at any given moment beeing spying on me to inform others, and feeling left as a second choice in life? I don't deserve that, I think. Neither does she deserve to feel like she's stuck living with a demon. Not that I ever noticed she ever looking over the fence. On the other hand, we love each other and it would be a darn shame to lose this marriage.
It's just utterly frustrating. Sorry for venting.
Eden