Setback

by EdenOne 91 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  Sorry to hear your situation Eden. I'm not sure what advice to give, and I'm an old single dude... yet, somehow, I always have something to write, eh?

  It's hard to imagine what more can I do for her to be a great husband. I've always been this way, and part of the problem is that she takes me absolutely for granted, that, no matter what, I'll stick by her side. I could see it was a shock for her when I told her that another betrayal ( read: spying on me and report to the elders ) would terminate our marriage. I think she took it to heart, but in this fallback it's unpredictable how she will behave.

  Don't just focus on being a great, love-bombing husband, be a happier, healthier YOU for your own sake, in your independent non-JW time, on your own. Two reasons come to mind: 1) If she's had a history of emotional problems, that will probably be resurfacing, and you'll need all your energy and strength to help her when the "friends" decrease the love-bombing and start telling her she needs to "do more". 2) In my relationship with my parents, I've found it interesting to use the tactic that when they have something that makes them happy, I have something in my life that makes me just a little bit happier ;-). I was miserably depressed as a JW. I've been as clear as I can be that since fading, I'm just never as depressed as I used to be. I don't miss anything about the meetings because I have plenty of other productive and enjoyable things to do. And I don't miss the "friends" because I'm fine with what acquaintances I have now. Plus, I'd rather be alone than put up with a lot of their JW nonsense.
  

  I'm comfortable in small numbers

  So, putting on a suit and wasting most of your weekend sitting on an uncomfortable seat in a dreary building with thousands of JWs just to spend a couple of hours at Olive Garden with conditional friends isn't your idea of "comfortable"? Personally, I prefer doing whatever the hell I want among a group of strangers to be more fun!

  As far as getting any disapproving looks, I think I'm pretty good at switching from "Captain Obvious" to "Captain Oblivious" on things like that. It's certainly not always easy, but when I feel the situation is worth it, I don't acknowledge certain looks or statements and motor on through with whatever I think is more valuable and interesting to talk about.
  
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  FayeDunaway

  LOL at 'Olive Garden with conditional friends'

  !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  omg that's exactly right :)
• 

  cha ching

  So sorry EdenOne.... this is one of the toughest things to go thru... but I agree w/Billy, her bipolar probs, or other physical needs are bound to resurface... and that will have to make her think. You will be there..

  What about your child? How old? Perhaps he or she can be a support to you? or even help mom think? Kids have a way of making the obscure obvious, and they are so innocent, you have to think about it, right? I mean you have to answer your child's questions, it is hard to ignore.

  Giving her good memories, good times you spend together (like someone said: playing cards? doing puzzles? maybe she likes to shop (what woman doesn't?) so have FUN shopping with her.... whatever you do together be involved mentally) If her JW friends are only 'plastic', and are only interested in 'getting her back' then their love bombing shall soon lighten up.

  I remember when my husband & I had stopped going so much, I got a call from a sister who said "you are my householder" can we talk? This was obviously one of their attempts to "lure" me back... I liked giving talks, and I had a "sense of responsibility" about me... "my duty" "my part"... but by that time, no way. I didn't even call her back, didn't want to explain anything. So, like all have said, people want 'friends.'

  I thought I had more. I thought I was reallllllllly going to be able to help them get out! Reason with them... Nope. If your wife has seen behind the curtain, and hates hypocrisy, she will soon see the shallowness of her so called 'friends.'... and someone else said, she'll be the single one, w/o the husband... and you just don't do as many things, get invited to as many things.

  I went to a BBQ w/o my husband (decided not to go at the last minute) and although I am a very social person, I felt "on the outside" of the party, because I had just seen too much. I can't fake it either. I hate hypocrisy also. This helped me see I wasn't missing much. Maybe your wife will be able to see the same thing, that "she's not missing much." She just might have to do it herself... that way, it won't be your decision to leave, but hers.

  A close family member dying. A lot of people can't bear the idea of never seeing them again, and want to believe in the whole JW resurrection, don't worry, life will be ok soon thing. That is a hard thing to come to grips with.

  Hang in there, it most likely will take a while, but let us know how it goes. (((cha ching)))
• 

  FreeGirl2006

  EdenOne,

  I am sorry you are going through this. Only you can decide how best to find happiness (suicide NOT being the answer). There is life after cult, life after divorce and you can choose to make it a fantastic life.

  FreeGirl
• 

  whathappened

  I am also sorry to hear your wife is drawing away from you. I would advise using humor with her. When she gives you the evil eye or says something nastyy say "ouch!" If you can joke about being ignored and left alone while she's goes off to do JW activities, that would be good. Try to be light hearted, cute and funny. Draw her back to you by contrasting cult life with the fun she could be having with you.

  Best wishes to you.
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  EdenOne

  I'll just be focusing in improving my own life, enjoy my hobbies and my business, and being as happy as I possibly can, all the while providing my family with good times whenever possible. My child is now getting ready to go to university and is getting amazingly good at one hobby, coming out of a dark time of adolescence and blossoming to become a great person, one I'm really proud of. I'm sure I did some good by not allowing the Watchtower to suck up another life.

  And yes, now it's all easy-going love bombing, but soon the demands for her time, do more, the never-ending hamster wheel, the gossip, the double-faced and fake friendships will take a toll on her. And it will be the same old, same old. And I hope that she'll be very uncomfortable with the nonsense that is spewed from the platform every so often, after knowing what she knows already. And I'll try to be here for my wife, in time, when she comes around again.

  Eden
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  Ruby456

  great news edenOne re what you intend to focus on although it isn't going to be easy
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  Louise

  EdenOne - how awesome that your child is blossoming! You sound very proud and why not. I think your plan of action makes sense. I wish you happiness and success. Stay strong, take courage and be kind.
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  stuckinarut2

  Yes, keep your dignity.

  Maintain the good qualities that make you the fine person you are...don't let the frustration ruin that.
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  zimunzucz

  Well, she sure told you-- it's the KH and their ilk for friends and companionship and you for material support. Technically, she has also chosen the elders to be her male head, not you. I personally wouldn't let the KH elders cuckold me, but to each his own.

  As was pointed out, some people just prefer the Watchtower religion and don't care if they are being manipulated and lied to, any more than black people as a group don't care that Obama has lied to them about his muslim, marxist and gay proclivities.

  It's time to tell your wife you really, really don't like the WT religion and you detest the KH fakery. Be honest to yourself about what you want out of life - stop with the forced pleasantries--and if that means a divorce, so be it- better now than 10 or 20 years down the road when you have let the best years of your life slip away.