What "CAUSES" a molested child to hurt? (Warning: Possible Triggers)

by gumby 195 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  gumby

  When a child is molested, they suffer in many ways through their years as we all know.

  My question is......what tells them it is not right? How do they KNOW that they have been abused?

  Is it inborn in them that sex is not right until you are older......or are they taught it is not proper and that's why the shame follows?

  The reason I am asking is because of a "LIFETIME" channel show I saw the other day. The little girl (7-9), told those that questioned her that she told her coach when he asked her if what he was doing felt good, and she said "yes". She then told those questioning that he said he could make it feel even better. It of course went no further in detail but left the viewer that he went even further.

  Question-

  Did the little girl feel shame because it felt good to her and she knew those things were wrong........so she felt guilty because it felt good? Was she not the normal child? If a secluded tribe of natives had sex at ALL ages and this was the norm.........would those tribal children suffer harm from it? In other word......are childrens perception of sex inborn.......or learned by being taught?

  This was a tough decision for me to even post such a thought.......but the show I watched made me wonder and I was hoping to hear from those who may know the answer.(I could just look up some info. on the net......but I like you guys and your answers better)

  Gumby
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  Valis

  Is it inborn in them that sex is not right until you are older

  no that is why it happens over again generationally IMO

  ......or are they taught it is not proper and that's why the shame follows?

  taught isn't quite the right term overall....threatened or perhaps repetative abuse leads to the acceptance of sex as a norm at whatever age. But ya the shame is IMO is a convolution of morals the parents enforce and the small pieces of logic and reason that children sometimes get. Otherwise the cycle never stops.

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
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  Lady Lee

  well quite a question there Gumby

  Some kids (especially the school aged kids who have had the good-touch-bad touch presentations at school or other kids who have been taught about this actually do know the difference and this is something bad (even though it feels good)

  The problem lies with younger kids and those who have not been instructed in this matter.

  Some children are so yound that they really don't know this is something "bad". The person abusing them is someone they trust and very often someone who is not hurting them physically. The touch they recieve actiually does feel good (although some studies say not the same as later sexuality). Most often these young kids just think this is a secret game. And the rewards some get make the game worthwile to them. They don't understand adult sexuality so they don't know what is going on. Just like picking up your toys gets you a reward so too this game might get a reward and often an abuser will use rewards as an incentive.

  But there comes a point when children realize there is something not quite right about this game. Sometimes once the threats to be quiet start, or if there is physical pain, or if the child realizes that even though they would rather do something else they still have to play the game first their awareness changes about the game. Sometimes the threats come rather early but if few people have access to a child the abuser may think she/he is safe for a while and not resort to threats to silence the victim and protect him/herself.

  Sometimes the abuser isn't playing games and the child knows it. The fear comes from threats and violence and feeling trapped. Kids around the age of 6 - 7 begine to be extremely private about their bodies. So someone touching them crosses those boundaries and they are keenly aware of it. Veyr often we teach children that their private parts are "dirty". So now you have an activity which includes touching those "dirty" parts. Kids get confused easily. It feels good but it is bad. If it is bad then I should feel guilty. We also tend to blame children a lot for things. So if something bad happens it must be the child's fault. And some abusers will actually tell the child it is their fault. And if the child physically enjoys the touch then they really feel bad about liking something bad.

  If the child tells someone and gets a negative reaction or is thinks he/she is being blamed (Why did you go there?" or "why didn't you tell me before?" the child's feelings of guilt and shame will escalate. All the more reason to get the child to a professional instead of an inquisition about what happened. The longer the activity goes on before the disclosure the harder it is for a child to belive they are not to blame for not telling immediately. If it started out as a game and later the child realizes that is is not a game then the child starts thinking about the question "Why didn't you tell right away?"

  I might think of more later
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  talesin

  Partial answer.

  It's about 'power over'. An adult has power over a child, plain and simple.

  Children often feel 'uncomfortable' with the situation even though they may be unable to identify why (as they are so young). Especially if they derived some sexual pleasure from the acts. This is extremely confusing for the victim.

  On the one hand, they are experiencing (probly for the first time) some pleasurable sensations, but on the other hand, they feel dirty shameful and used.

  and before anyone bashes you for asking the question, I don't mind a bit. It's important to ask these things if you truly don't understand.

  As for your native tribe hypothesis - well........... now it's time for fantasyland, that's why we have no such tribal cultures (imho)

  tal
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  gumby

  I might think of more later

  Ladylee....I think you covered it well. You answered as I expected the answer was. Children become private with their bodies at age 7 or so you said. They LEARN these parts are private from others who have been taughtthat, or they are taught it directly by their parents or caretakers. They LEARN what is private....they LEARN that sex is wrong for children, they LEARN they should not do those things.

  I can't figure out WHY the trauma is SO GREAT from a child who has been molested......compared to a kid who was involved in stealing. In both cases the act is taught as WRONG......yet the trauma from a child molested........is 20 times greater than the trauma from a kid who had been caught stealing. Why is there such a great difference?

  Gumby

  P.S. I appreciated your comment too talesin........but ladylee has been through it, and teaches it,..........and she has a much nicer butt than you do
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  talesin

  that's okay, gumby

  also been through it, also work in the field, and as for the butt.... well, I make no claims

  just givin a little input

  tal
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  Lady Lee

  I can't figure out WHY the trauma is SO GREAT from a child who has been molested......compared to a kid who was involved in stealing. In both cases the act is taught as WRONG......yet the trauma from a child molested........is 20 times greater than the trauma from a kid who had been caught stealing. Why is there such a great difference?

  Well for starters sexual abuse crosses a personal boundary. It is an invasion of personal space and sometimes an invasion of the body itself. An act such as stealing is an external event.

  Add to that: that we live in a society that is very repressed around the issue of children's sexuality (yes they are capable of a child's level of sexuality and pictures have been taken if infant boys playing with themselves in utero).

  Add to that: that children do get a message that they are not supposed to "touch" down there because it is "dirty". Little girls may suffer from this even more than little boys because the boys have to touch to be able to aim in the washroom.

  Add to that: once disclosed people tend to talk about it in hushed tones. There is a desire to keep this out of the public eye. With stealing many children are marched down to the store to return the item if caught. Stealing just doesn't raise the same level of desired secrecy. Many people will say things like "I don't wnat my child testifying in court." or I don't want my child to have to go through the system."

  And a child will pick up on the attitudes of the people around them. Their tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. How we as a society deal with the issue once a child discloses strongly affects how the child will react.
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  Lady Lee

  ahem as for the butt comment - no way would you know
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  bikerchic

  can't figure out WHY the trauma is SO GREAT from a child who has been molested......compared to a kid who was involved in stealing. In both cases the act is taught as WRONG......yet the trauma from a child molested........is 20 times greater than the trauma from a kid who had been caught stealing. Why is there such a great difference?

  Gumby I don't know if this is exactly what will answer your question but I remembered something I once heard or read about shame. I hope I can say it right.
  

  With abuse it creates shame, the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you've done something wrong, but you can repair that---you can do something about it. With shame there's something wrong with you and there's nothing you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective. Shame is the core of the wounded child it's a soul murdering.

  That is the difference between someone who steels (guilt) and someone who was molested (shame).

  Kate
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  talesin

  WHY the trauma is SO GREAT from a child who has been molested

  That's why they call it 'soul murder', Gumby.

  Hard to express what this means - the violation of one's personal space is indescribable. Your body is not your own ...

  It can deprive one of the ability to trust - think of the far reaching implications in one's life if you can not trust.

  If you choose to steal, it was YOUR choice. No one chooses to be molested.

  ... random thoughts

  tal