If something really did happen and my sister has hid it all these years......then maybe if she could open up about it and finally tell someone..... she could be happy again
Gumby, be careful. If she was molested, and kept it hidden all these years, it may be that it's too big for her. I'm not saying don't ask, but if she's been carrying around all that shit for decades tells me it is not something she wants to get into.
There is a theory, and one I subscribe to, that says there are 3 responses to sexual abuse. One is that in an effort to deal with the feelings of fear, shame and feeling "out of control" the child identifies with the offender, and rather than face what happened, will instead turn on others. These are the people who grow up to become offenders. They are afraid of everything about the experience, so much so they cannot even acknowledge it happened. By the time they begin to offend, the person they were is oblitered and cannot be salvaged.
The second is the victim. These are the people who often receive the worst of the abuse and grow up in a victim role. These are the people who marry offenders, and without ever realizing it, recreate the abusive situation in other parts of their life (work, marriage, etc.). It is from this group that most survivors come from. A survivor is one who has reached the depths of despair and abuse, becomes so desperate they will actually seek help. It must get so bad, that they will actually break the biggest rule in an abusive family: Don't tell. It is only after they get help, that they realize it is only by telling that the cycle is broken and relief comes.
The last is the denier. This is by far the majority of abuse victims. These are the children who literally cannot handle or otherwise process the hideous experience. So they pack it away and pretend it never happened. These are the people who grow up and apply this behavior in other areas of their life. These are the people that most often become addicts or alcoholics and never understand why. They don't allow themselves to realize that raging in traffic or punching holes in a wall is really about the anger they have buried over the original abuse. They deny not only the experience, but their pain as well.
Gumby, LL is right. I wish there was a tongue of fire above a child's head so we would know for sure. There are behaviors for certain, but they are not absolute. Oftentimes we must wait for the child to come forward.
Dede, I tried to read that book, but that was one of the few times I just couldn't go on. It hit too close to home, and although it's very well written, just the unrelenting nature of what happened was just too much for me. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my inner child protected from others' stories, or from criticism, ridicule and so forth when I've spoken out, but that was one of the few times I couldn't.
Chris
