by gumby 79 Replies latest jw friends
All joking asside we learn to show our affection by the modeling we experianced growing up. My wife's family was much more demonstrative than was mine. Mine was JW and had a history of sexual abuse, hers was not JW and had none of the anomalies aforementioned. Luckily, I left the cult before it did permanent damage.
carmel
Fear of Pain, pure and simple.
If an affectionate person in your life also hurts you, you learn to associate affection with pain and you learn to avoid it. (especially if this association is learned early in life.)
-LisaBObeesa
It is true about your upbringing being a major influence...after all that is when and where we first experience...whatever happens. Love, hate, indifference, helpfulness, abuse, kindness or meaness. It may be one parent is the polar opposite of the other, it was that way in my family.
My Mother was extremely loving and kind and fair (and a JW!), my father was all business...extremely strict disiplinarian who could be mean and unfair, but was not abusive, he was not a JW. I have a brother that 'took' after him, the rest after my Mom. I could never figure 'why' he was so hard on me, the first son, especially. My Mom said, he was afraid I would become a 'sissy' boy...if he was not tough on me, he really said that !
Sometimes you have to take the Bull by the horns (we were always locked). A big change occured when he was about to undergo a very dangerous operation where he could have died, they were wheeling him down the hallway...I stopped the gurney. I said I need to talk to my Dad... I said, "Dad, I love you. I have never in my life heard those words from you and you are not moving an inch...until I hear it now..." You could hear a pin drop in that hallway...no one ever dared demand anything from him like that. He looked up at me...with the most peaceful look and said, "________, I Love you..." and smiled. I said, "Well, OK. You can go now."
After that ? Things have progressively gotten better, he even initiates a hug sometimes...
My family was never very affectionate, but I am with the people I love. I rarely heard "I love you"...."I'm proud of you"...."your special"..but I have no problem telling that to my loved ones....maybe because having been denied it myself I know how important it is to hear it.
I'm with you gumby in that I have never understood the reason someone doesn't say it, especially if they are aware of how much it means to someone who IS special to them. The old "don't I show you I love you...isn't that enough??" doesn't cut it with me.....if it were enough I wouldn't be telling you I need to hear the words sometimes....and if you really love me, you will understand and try to give me something that obviously means so much to me.
Another of life's mysteries.....lol I guess I'm just glad I don't have that problem now with the people currently in my life.
Sometimes you have to take the Bull by the horns (we were always locked). A big change occured when he was about to undergo a very dangerous operation where he could have died, they were wheeling him down the hallway...I stopped the gurney. I said I need to talk to my Dad... I said, "Dad, I love you. I have never in my life heard those words from you and you are not moving an inch...until I hear it now..." You could hear a pin drop in that hallway...no one ever dared demand anything from him like that. He looked up at me...with the most peaceful look and said, "________, I Love you..." and smiled. I said, "Well, OK. You can go now."After that ? Things have progressively gotten better, he even initiates a hug sometimes...
Wow......what a story!
It would be nice if this example worked in these situations everytime. I'm sure there are those who have tried to be effectionate, but had no response. That would hurt.
There were so many excellent comments told here......there are too many to thank, so I'll
Thank everyone! for answering the question and all your help
Gumhugs
and then there are the folks who say just because they think they should.
Coming from my background while I love to hear it and say it to those I really do care about I have a really hard time with people who say it and don't mean it or say it but then don't follow through with the meaning of it.
For example I have been in relationships where I love you was said all the time. if I didn't say it back immediately the person pouted and demanded a response It means nothing in those cases. It is like they are saying it so they can get their ego stroked.
Then there are the friends who say they really love you and never ever call.
words - just something to say I hate it it. If I say it I mean it. My family knows I mean it. My freinds know I mean it.
But please keep those other folks away from me. I cringe when I hear it from them
Most people lack emotional intelligence and have very poor communication skills. As a culture Americans are great about expressing anger, hate, rage and lust. These are base emotions and are really the ones that we should learn to contain not display. Because of the lack of maturity in the area of emotional expression and demonstration we don't communicate our feelings towards others in better more uplifting ways. Very few people even know the three ways of expressing love and pleasure with another.
Each person has a hierarchy of values. Each of us has a demonstrative manner for feeling love. And we give what we get or what we perceive love to be. Some need to be told. Some need to be touched. Some need to shown. To a person who need to be touched, a lover of family member telling them they love them has little effect! First we must learn what we need, next what those we care for need, then communicate our feelings on their terms. Most people are too lazy or thoughtless to do all of that. They would rather just wallow in their little world and eat fattening food and deny the obvious. Maverick
I'm responding to this thread without having read anyone else's posts yet, so if I duplicate others comments, sorry. Well, this was a MAJOR reason for my marital destruction. I AM the touchy feely huggy type and my ex was not. It has to do with the type of childhood you had. If you never had someone who was affectionate to you, then, you never learned how to show it. You never felt the necessity of it in your own life, so in some cases, it may not even be something you are conscious of needing or even wanting........it's really sad too, because touch is one of the most comforting, healing things in life. They've done studies on it, showing what the lack of it can do to babies, etc. For example: how many of us do not LOVE a good massage? Anyways, I am a very hands on kinda person, love to reach over and stroke my partner's cheek, or squeeze their hand, or just give a HUGE hug for no reason. Some people are totally turned off by it, I know because of experience. They feel awkward and uncomfortable with it. Because of MY need and view of it, it has become a MAJOR point in my search for a partner. I have told myself that I won't become involved with someone who is uptight about it ever again.
Terri
I rarely heard "I love you"...."I'm proud of you"...."your special"..but I have no problem telling that to my loved ones....maybe because having been denied it myself I know how important it is to hear it.
Xena..........yeah!! What's up with that? LOL! I guess that's why I couldn't understand why if I told my husband I needed more of that, why couldn't he do it? I mean, like you, I never was shown how to do it either.........is it something that just is inside us? I just don't have any hang ups with someone I love...........hmmmm
I think that some people, having grown up without affection, never realize how nice it is and how important it can be to others.
My dad was kind of reserved, because his parents were absent for a long time. But he responds when I hug him. He is uncertain though - but he likes it.
It's a necessary thing, but if you never get it, you maybe don't realize how necessary it is. like caffeine.
CZAR
