Thanks, Blondie.
Some days, it is just too hard, you know?
I want to share my story, but I can't bring myself to do it.....there goes "the fear" again.
I'm such a mess.......
Many people do not show affection- why is this?
by gumby 79 Replies latest jw friends
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FlyingHighNow
My family was not super affectionate. You got a perfunctory peck on the cheek and an: I love you, each night before bed. Grandma gave a routine, not very lingering hug when you arrived at her house. Other than this, for those past babyhood, affection was not abundant.
But I am a maverick in family. I am very affectionate. I hug often. When I hug my children, grandchildren or Andy it's not just a perfunctory hug. I really HUG them. I linger and I let them know they are loved by me. They will not doubt that I love them. Everyone tells me I give great hugs. I think I just figured out why in pondering this post.
Now for people who aren't in my immediate family: it depends on the vibe the person gives off. I am very sa v v y to vibes. If someone gives off the right vibes and they want a hug, I'll give them a hug. If I don't get that good vibe, I stand back a little. Sometimes, after knowing the person better their vibe will change from caution to ease and the hugging will start then.
I also rub backs, shoulders, pat arms, etc. I do know when to give someone space though. In comes the vibe again.
Why am I more affectionate than the rest of the family? I believe it's because I was the fifth child of six. As a baby, I got affection from older siblings. I also care very deeply about people and the world at large. It makes me feel better to make someone's life better.
Flyin'
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FlyingHighNow
On saying," I love you. "
I told my kids all the time. They told me all the time. Now my 19 year old son tells me he loves me often during each day. I feel like when you love someone you should tell them and tell them often. Verbally as well as by looks, touches, etc. If you love someone, let them know! Don't be a miser with your love and affection. Flyin'
Yeah, the world can use all the love it can get:
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Maya
Great... now I'm crying my eyes out...........
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Lady Lee
Maya welcome to the world of feelings. This board has the power to do that to you - well some posts.
Just go slow and don't push yourself too hard - just a bit at a time
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Sunnygal41
Growed, I have to say, you're a better woman than me, gunga din! I dated my husband for three years before we got married, then was married for twenty years and after the first 18 months of marriage, I was drained dry...........I tried and tried to get this man to open up, but, he never responded to me personally. Looking back on it, and reading comments made here, I can see that we just fed that awful insecurity in each other in our marriage. After a while, I began to wonder what was wrong with me that he didn't feel like being affectionate, or wouldn't dance with ME at a wedding, but had no problem going out to dance with some other attractive woman. Then, I started wondering if he was cheating on me with someone. Ten years into the marriage, I got antidepressants, and that helped tremendously, but, I also know that I had a deep insecurity that never went away while I was married to him. I've really really worked on myself since I've been out and divorced. I look back at that time, and I realize that we just had NO chemistry, beyond that initial "lust" factor. At the beginning, he had no social skills and I did. He clung to me and my sister for a long time and wouldn't make friends of his own. After a while, he made me as sick as he was. I lost my independence I had before I met him. It's wierd how towards the end of the marriage, we reversed roles........I became miserable and insecure, he became outgoing and social. Of course, being an elder, and a good public speaker helped, and all the years I'd spent building his esteem up and encouraging him to have faith in his own gifts and abilities helped him blossom, even while I withered. I don't know, I still shake my head about it all. Maya, don't be tough on yourself, it all happens gradually. Blondie gave you some good advice. Just take baby steps, find something that makes you feel good doing.......do research, get into therapy, it all helps tremendously. I worked with affirmations, even tho at the time, I was very skeptical about their ability to affect me.....well, they did and they do! I recommend them to everyone without reservation. They will help you change those voices and tapes in your head.
Terri
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Maya
Thank you, Lady Lee and Terri..........
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SixofNine
For me, that is a little too simplistic.........
There is WAY too much damage that has been done to me....
I am so scared....ALL the time.........
ANY decision is too hard because the JW "speak" is always in my head.......
Well, I can't speak for you of course, but I think when you finally get past your "JW speak" indoctrination, you'll find out that it really was just that simple. I understand if that doesn't make it all that much less frightening. Still, the fact that you are here at all means you have it within you to overcome at least some of your fears, yes? However, even coming here to an "apostate" web-site can be something you do because I'll-just-freaking-go-crazy-if-I-don't (which is fine, it's a start), or it can be for I-truly-believe-it-is-in-my-best-interest-to-look-at-my-religion-critically-even-if-they-tell-me-not-to reasons. The latter is healthier for you than the former. I think a good therapist would help you examine your fears too, so please use that avenue if you need to.
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flower
For me, that is a little too simplistic.........
There is WAY too much damage that has been done to me....
I am so scared....ALL the time.........
ANY decision is too hard because the JW "speak" is always in my head.......
You sound like a lot of people including myself did before we were able to break out of the mental bondage. Just leaving the JW's physically means NOTHING if one is not able to break free mentally. I know EX jw's (my aunts included) who have been out 20 years and counting and yet if I bring up one negative thought about the religion I am ostrasized and accused. They still believe it and they think they have chosen suicide (by armageddon) over being a JW. That is no way to live and its so far from the truth. That is the result of powerful brainwashing and mental bondage. The 'jw speak' you hear in your head is the same thing. None of its true but you have to conclude that for yourself. Then you'll be able to stop living in fear. Knowledge is power. Power is freedom. Ask yourself some questions about why the organization is 'gods only religion'. You'll soon see that it isnt. Then everything they say you'll take as it should be taken and not as the word of god. flower
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LyinEyes
Maya,,,,,,,,Lady Lee is so right,,,,give yourself time.
I have been going thru alot of "awakening" of things that are just coming to the surface, about fear, mostly it is in my dreams , in the deep subconscience that I am dealing with.
I have been dealing with tiny , tiny bits of info that my brain is feeding me ,,,,,things that must be so horrible that I can only deal with them a bit at a time.
It is very hard to go thru these dreams,because they are quite disturbing, but I know that a part of me wants to get it all out , so that I can heal, and then I can become a whole healed person one day.
It has been 2 yrs since I left JW,,,,,,,and it has taken that long for alot of healing.
Speaking about the affection issue.........I can not remember many times in my childhood where my Mother playfully and happily hugged me. If she hugged me , or acted like a mom to me, it was when I was very sick, or when she was the one who needed the hug.
My dad,,,,,,,wasnt very affectionate either. If he hugged me ,,,,,,,,which it seemed to be a standoffish , save for only when he too was very emotional. Usually, I can only remember being hugged when he had tears in his eyes. It was usually after some 2 hour discipline talk , after I got my butt beat for some minor little thing after the meeting. It was quite often I got that kind of attention,,,,,very negative attention.
Last night I dreamed I was a grown woman, but I was lying on a palette on the floor , my mother was on one side, my dad and then me.... I was kind of curled up in a ball, facing away from him. I remember in the dream that he was patting my back,,,,,,,then he just kept it there,,,,,I wanted to scream and run . It was the grossest feeling I can think of . That is all I dreamed,,,,,,,nothing eles went on in the dream about him, or my mother. But I do know, I couldnt stand to be touched by him, in a good way or a bad.
I could go many ways with what this dream means....... I have ideas that might be true, or they might not be. But I do know that growing up....... as a teenager, I did not like to be hugged, or even touched by most people, it was took too much emotional energry to do that. I suppose I didnt feel safe,,,,not sure exactly why........yet.
So here I am as old as I am, and just starting to put things together the best that I can with what I know to be true, and what I dream of , and what I have no clue about.
Maybe in another 2 yrs all that I have filed away, so that I never had to face things, will all be out and settled once and for all.
So I would again just say,,,,,,,,, give yourself time.