Many people do not show affection- why is this?

by gumby 79 Replies latest jw friends

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  flower

  I think many people feel vunerable by acknowledging they love someone. As if they give up control everytime they say those words or show how they feel. I think many, especially men, feel weak even expressing it to their own kids. Its wierd. I cant imagine not telling my kid every day how much I love him.

  I dont think it has as much to do with how you grew up as some think. I didnt hear loving words 'ever' but telling my kiddo how much fun I have with him and how much I love him doesnt feel at all unnatural. Or perhaps like Xena said I know how important it is to a kids esteem to have parental love and support so it comes natural.
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  gumby

  I'm with flower and I'm with some others.

  There are many who CHOOSE to avoid their parents bad traits. This area were speaking of is one of them. Some can and some can't/won't. I have seen children that were shown little or no affection, act totally opposite with their children. It depends on the emotional maturity and stability as Maverick stated.

  As for the other reasons.....LadyLee and others covered it well. Fear of rejection, fear of it being used against you, feeling it's a weak trait, all conribute to this problem.

  What is strange to me is........these ones KNOW it isn't normal. They KNOW their children or spouse would appreciate and desire to be love, yet their emotional hang-up in this area is so strong.....it overides reasoning ability. Fear is powerfull.

  Gumby
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  SixofNine

  *pats gumby on the head* You can let go of my leg now.
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  Maya

  "Fear is powerful."

  My whole life has been, and still is, based on fear thanks to the JW's.......

  I don't know how to get past it........
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  blondie

  Growing up in an abusive household, it was not healthy to show or be shown "affection." When you have been betrayed by your parents, who are supposed to love you, it is hard to trust your ability to know who is safe to show affection to. Even now, I leave a little room to retreat behind in case people prove to be dangerous emotionally.

  Blondie
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  SixofNine

  My whole life has been, and still is, based on fear thanks to the JW's.......

  I don't know how to get past it........

  You intellectualize it, and then (and only then) you face it head on. The idea is not to be fearless, it's to be free of irrational fears and fears of things that aren't likely to encounter nor could you do anything about if you did.

  Fear of Armageddon is a good one to start with, as are most of the JW doctrines. Seen in the clear light of history, science, and even theology, they just aren't things fit for adults to believe in any more than an adult believes in Santa Clause.
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  Maya

  For me, that is a little too simplistic.........

  There is WAY too much damage that has been done to me....

  I am so scared....ALL the time.........

  ANY decision is too hard because the JW "speak" is always in my head.......
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  shotgun

  I love ya man
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  blondie

  For me, that is a little too simplistic.........

  There is WAY too much damage that has been done to me....

  I am so scared....ALL the time.........

  ANY decision is too hard because the JW "speak" is always in my head.......

  Maya, just keep working on changing that "speak" in your head. Replace it with positive thoughts, thinking, reading, association. Find other people who have been where you are and are further down the road. I have been working on it for about 20 years. I have come a long way. I no longer have the nightmares. Just don't give up. Blondie
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  imallgrowedup

  I tried commenting on this thread yesterday while visiting my JW Mom while she was at the "special meeting", but for some reason, it wouldn't post. Ya suppose her computer knew I was on an "apostate board"?! :-)

  I have a lot of different feelings on this subject. The first is that I agree 100% that affection is a learned trait. My JW dad was raised by the coldest and meanest woman who ever walked the face of this earth, and it took him years and years of conditioning being around my overly touchy-feeling mother to understand what is so wonderful about affection. He has told me repeatedly that he never had any use for it, and in fact, really didn't like it when she was so affectionate with him, but she never gave up on him, and never demanded it back from him. Eventually, he "saw the light" so to speak, and now he is one of the most affectionate people I know. So, IMHO, people can overcome their displeasure of affection, but I think it depends on the OTHER party to make sure it happens -- just keep trying, and don't expect anything back.

  That said, my husband, who is Scandanavian, is anything but affectionate, and I take after my mother in that department. It's been 10 years and he still hasn't budged much, although he is ever-so-slightly more affectionate now than he used to be. Perhaps he'll have an epiphany like my JW dad -- perhaps not. But I quit expecting it from him a long time ago, and now I don't feel any anger about not getting it from him. I accept that "it's just the way he is" -- that doesn't mean I like it, but I know that asking for and/or expecting it from him in return is a lesson in frustration. Who needs the aggravation?

  growedup