Gumbys Weekend Bible Study - Noah and Stuff

by gumby 75 Replies latest watchtower bible

  • gumby
    gumby

    Good morning brothers and sisters! Are you ready for some spiritual food today? Well good! I have an appointment with sister single and lonely all day tomarrow, so I'm glad you all agreed to attend today.Lets all stand and sing song # 777 "Noah ain't heavy, he's my brother"

    *passes collection plate around *

    Today we will learn of some events surrounding a man who was the most rightous man alive in his day......Noah.

    A long long time ago in Noahs day, the earth was a mess. Not only did gods sons start breeding women, they had kids who became hero's of old and men of fame and were renown... and were giants. Were not sure how they became hero's since they took everyones wifes and beat people up and stuff and were soon destroyed by god.....but they were hero's for sure and were real popular....and renown!

    -Mans days numbered and a guy named Billy-

    Aside from Noah getting so drunk and sleeping naked....he found favor in gods eyes but nobody else did. God got so mad he said instead of letting man live to 900 years old...he was going to cut their days to 120.

    Were not sure, but we've heard from reliable sources that there was some medicine man named Billy who thwarted gods plan. This guy was selling some herbal stuff that overpowered gods age plan and nearly everyone after Noah lived well past 120. Noah himself lived to be 950, Shem made it to 500, Honest Abe's dad made it to 205, Isaac to 180 and Honest Abe himself made it to 175. His beautiful bride made it to be 127. Billy's herbal age medicine company finally died out by the time Moses came along and gods plan was back in effect as Moses died at 120 and recorded his own obituary before he passed away.

    -Even the animals were wicked-

    In Genesis 6:7, we learn that even the animals must have been evil and wicked because god said he was going to kill them all cuz he made a mistake and regretted making a mistake. Satan prolly corrupted the animals too, but god didn't feel the need to record it. God said man was evil since birth so he's gonna drown everyone, but later realises that's just the way it is and promises not to drown everyone anymore cuz he now knows for sure man is bad from youth up. Gen 8:21

    -The indestructable olive tree-

    Soon after god drowns everyone except Noah, his nameless wife, and his rightous sons and their nameless wives, Noah desires to know if he can get off the boat yet. He finally gets a bird (prolly a homing pigeon), to bring back some kinda life. Low and behold his bird finds an olive tree that survived being submerged in water for well over 150 days! God must have miraculously provided photosynthesis for his beloved olive tree to keep it alive all that time.

    -How the extintion of many species began-

    Shortly after the water subsided enough to where it was feasable to walk around and stuff.....Noah decides to sacrafice some of the clean animals he brought onto the ark. Since Noah took only two of each kind onto the ark, it must be assumed when he sacrificed them after getting off the ark, this would explain why there aren't more species on earth.
    It's a good thing god was thinking ahead though and told him to take seven of some types.....or there wouldn't be zoo's on the earth today with a variety of animals cuz Noah woulda killed em all by giving Jehovah burnt animals.

    Just as we humans like the smell of a New York steak....Jehovah loved the smell of burnt animals. In verse 21 of Genesis chapter 8, it tells us god was so pleased with the smell, he promised Noah he's never drown people again. Aren't we glad we have a merciful god?

    This concludes our study of Noah for today and we thank each and every one of you for being here.

    Lets all stand and sing from our hearts, song number #40 " Raindrops keep fallin on my

    head", then brother suckup will conclude with prayer.

    Reverend Gumby


  • stillajwexelder
    stillajwexelder

    You missed the part about Noah getting drunk

  • Big Dog
    Big Dog

    The whole story of Noah bothered me from a young age, it just never made any sense. Why leave anyone, God had to know that the whole thing was just going to start all over again once the population explosion got going again. And the whole thing with animal sacrifices, that never set will with me either, just seemed so, so, pagan. I can see why some just would like to jettison the old testament.

  • seattleniceguy
    seattleniceguy

    I gotta say, the story of Noah has got to be the clincher. Here you have adults who believe this story without giving it a second thought! Did you ever have to try to defend this story out is service? There's no way to do so without looking like a moron of the first magnitude.

    Householder: So you're telling me you actually believe God sent a global flood 4300 years ago.

    JW: Yes, that's what the Bible says.

    Householder: Have you thought about the implications of such a flood? That means that all animal life (besides fish, perhaps) that we have on earth today came from Noah's ark.

    JW: Yes, that's what it would mean.

    Householder: You know we have millions of animal species.

    JW: Well, the ark was pretty big! We calculate it had about a million square feet of space.

    Householder: Yeah, a million square feet sounds like a lot, but it's certainly not enough space to carry more than a small portion of the species we have now. And how do you explain the fact that there are species that exist only in specialized places on earth today. How about the kangaroo, koala, wallaby, and platypus?

    JW: What about them?

    Householder: Well, they live only in Australia and the surrounding islands. How did they get there?

    JW: Maybe they swam?

    Householder: So let me get this straight. The Australian delegation gets off the boat - sorry, ark - and travels over thousands of miles of land and sea, leaving no groups behind along the way, to Australia. Every last one of them. And how did Noah get his hands on these guys anyway?

    JW: Well, they probably lived near Noah before the flood, but then decided to move to Australia afterward.

    Householder: Do you know there are species of animals that live on as specific a place as a single island in all the earth?

    JW: Maybe one "kind" of creature adapted into several related species. That kind of adaptation could occur.

    Householder: So you believe in evolution! Well, that's a relief, at least.

    JW: No, not evolution. We definitely don't believe in that. Just adaptation.

    Householder: ...Biological adaptation...

    JW: Yeah, exactly.

    Householder: ...that results in a new species...

    JW: Yeah.

    Householder: That's exactly what evolution is!

    JW: Well, we just don't believe that an ape can turn into a cow or anything weird like that.

    Householder: That's good, because evolution doesn't predict that kind of change either. But nevermind that. Let's stay on the flood topic here. So how do you deal with the fact that there is no geological evidence of a catastrophic flood event in recent history?

    JW: Actually, I'm glad you brought that up, because there is evidence. For example, you know those woolly mammoths that were flash-frozen in Siberia?

    Householder: Yeah.

    JW: Well there you go.

    Householder: What? How is that proof of a global flood?

    JW: (Scoffs) Boy, sometimes people won't see something even when it's staring them in the face. It's obviously evidence of a quick climate change.

    Householder: Well, clearly it is that. But any number of things could have caused a climate change like that. There's no connection whatsoever between frozen mammoths and an alleged worldwide flood.

    JW: Maybe not directly. But all the pieces taken together...

    Householder: All the pieces? You've only named one!

    JW: Look, we're looking for honest-hearted people, and clearly, you don't want proof. So, it's been nice chatting with you, but I really should go.

    Householder: I wish I could say likewise.

    SNG

  • Leolaia
  • LittleToe
    LittleToe

    ~all dejected n stuff, coz he wanted to hear the story about why male parts are so strange~

    http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/86013/3.ashx

  • Valis
    Valis
    *passes collection plate around *

    *takes the new Wisconsin quarters out of the plate and replaces them with wheat pennies*

  • Nancy Drake
    Nancy Drake

    Great stuff, Gumby and SNG!

    I always thought when I was a JW that I would have been one of the people laughing at Noah...

  • Taylor S.
    Taylor S.

    ROFLMAO (n stuff) !!!

    This whole thread is priceless.

  • seattleniceguy
    seattleniceguy

    Thanks, Nancy!

    For anyone who wants a serious scientific discussion of the problems with the concept of a global flood, here's the quintessential link:
    http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/faq-noahs-ark.html

    Let me just say this. Before I read the article, I could talk at length about why the flood did not make any sense logically. But I had no idea how much evidence is stacked against it. There is at least 100 times more evidence than I even imagined.

    That's the trouble with a story of biblical proportions: It makes a lot of far-reaching implications. This one has implications in almost every branch of natural science. So there's going to be a lot of people out there saying, "Wait a minute, what about fish that can only survive in salt water, or fresh water, or brackish water (a mixture of the two)? What would happen to them?" Or, "Just how much space would be required for a year's worth of food and water?"

    How about just the amount of food and water for our friend the elephant? First, the facts. The good people at elephants.com report that:

    A full-grown Asian elephant eats approximately 150-200 pounds of food and drinks 30-50 gallons of water every day.

    Okay, great. Now we just do some simple arithmetic. Let's be conservative and say that the elephants needed only 150 pounds each and 30 gallons of water. Since we had at least two, that would be 300 pounds and 60 gallons per day. The Bible says everybody was cooped up for a year, so multiply by 365 and we get the food requirements for our elephantine pair:

    • 109,500 pounds = 54 tons of food
    • 21,900 gallons @ 8.33 pounds = 91 tons of water

    A person might reasonably wonder where such food and water would be stored. Remember, this is just for two elephants. We supposedly had bison, horses, sheep, monkeys, gorrillas, kangaroos, wallabies, iguanas, lions, tigers, bears. Oh my.

    The food aspect alone sinks the story (if you'll excuse my pun - ba doom cha!), but believe me, if you read the link above from talkorigins, it will blow your mind.

    SNG

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