Parent sleeping with teenagers

by Fatfreek 87 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

• 

  cruzanheart

  This sort of behavior by this woman can easily create somewhat confused feelings, perhaps anger in the son who might well act out these feelings in ways that might seem unrelated to the original event.

  Chris knows what he's talking about, because he's married to me. My father did to me what this woman did to her sons. I remember HIM crawling in bed with me -- not the other way around -- on the nights when my mother was passed out with drugs to fight a migraine. He would say: "I don't want to wake your mother." (At that point an entire marching band couldn't have awakened her.) I've blocked a lot of that time period out (ages 8-10) so I don't know how far it went, but when I was about 13 we were staying in a hotel somewhere on a trip -- same room, of course, with two double beds -- and Mom was in migraine mode. Dad tried to crawl into bed with me -- same excuse -- and I was so scared I felt sick and dizzy, like I was going to faint and throw up all at the same time. I didn't understand why, but I couldn't bear the thought of his being in bed with me, so when he went to the bathroom I pushed my mom's arm until she woke up, and when Dad came out of the bathroom I told him that she was awake so he could sleep in her bed.

  Now I'm almost 50. While I really LOVE sex, I am so very irritated at myself because I am somewhat inhibited and I don't want to be. I tense up if Chris grabs me from behind. I get overwhelmingly angry if anyone touches my feet. (Poor guy, I punched him in the stomach a couple of times after we were married because he was playfully trying to tickle me and this total rage just comes up instantly.) I have to sleep with a sheet, a blanket and a comforter drawn up to my nose, no matter how hot it is. I hate those things about myself and I am working on them, trying to reconcile my childhood traumas with my wonderful life now. But it's still there.

  Other things happened as well that followed this pattern of boundary crossing, and I'll bet those boys could think of a few too.

  Emotional incest? Hell, yeah it was. As for our children, we let them crawl into bed with us if they had a nightmare up until about age 8. After that age we would cuddle for a couple of minutes and gently lead or carry them back to their own bed. Now we just hug and lead them back to their own bed. We want them to know they are loved but to also learn to self-soothe and to respect our boundaries as we respect theirs.

  Besides, the bed gets WAY too hot with three people and my comforter in it.

  Nina (for whom this post was extremely hard because I've never said this out loud to anyone except Chris)
• 

  Sparkplug

  Emotional incest? Hell, yeah it was.

  I like how you worded that.

  Proud of you! It is hard to say it out loud the first time. I can say saying it out loud, made a lot of it go away or lessen even in my own mind. Much easier to let it roll off me now. So there is hope. Sometimes it can become so small compared to what we have now! Great work in speaking it out tonight!!

  You can have some peach pucker too!
• 

  outnfree

  (((Nina))) Good for you for speaking out!

  I agree with the majority on this thread who deem that the mother was inappropriately seeking solace from her boys for her loneliness. That she had it planned out that they should alternate nights sleeping in her bed is just weird. This is not a woman who, every once in a while post-divorce, felt lonely and vulnerable and wanted company/solace sometimes and sought it from one or another of her kids by physical closeness. She set up a system where SHE did not have to sleep alone, putting her needs first. The young men probably were having their own emotional reactions to the loss of their father in the family home and did not need the mother's emotional burdens placed on them in such an unnatural manner. When did the boys get to grieve their loss? They didn't even have evenings with one another to discuss their feelings about the divorce between themselves. It sounds all wrong, wrong, wrong to me.

  out
• 

  EvilForce

  BigTex....
  You said to me "Secondly, define please the parameters of "nothing happened"?"
  
  I refer you to the original post "Nothing ever happened, the boy conceded" - hence my comment nothing happened.
  
  You said to me "Biased? Okay, prove it." - Let see a 20 year old incident related by a boy who was upset to his DIVORCED father. No I'm sure the father in his relaying of same experience was COMPLETELY non-biased. Come on!
  
  You said "That the boy felt uncomfortable, and that a personal boundary was crossed is without question." - No it IS in question. Just because someone FEELS uncomfortable doesn't mean anything inappropriate happened. I feel uncomfortable when I see a man and a woman make out. Does it make it wrong? No.
  
  You used the words "Emotional incest". That is what EXACTLY I was pointing out about making a big to do about nothing. It wasn't the boy's response...it's THIS BOARD'S response that is the big to do.
  
  I was merely pointing out there may be MORE than one explanation of what went on. If there was sexual contact of some sort I'd say yeah, hang her from the rafters. In this instance I'd like to hear at least 2nd hand 20 year old info on the mother's point of view before I demonize her.
  
  Nina, I know you have your own issues and am not making light of them. But we are all creatures of our own experiences.
  
  But I digress, I don't want to get in the way of all of you further denegrating the horrible, wicked, evil, bed sharing harlot. Let the righteous indignation continue.
• 

  Fatfreek

  I want you all to know that the boy (now, of course, a man) and his dad are lurking this thread. I know this because his dad told me.
  Further, I must apologize for getting one of the details wrong with the description that I related. It's worse than I described. I know this because the son related it to his dad.
  I suggested, strongly, that either he or his son get on this thread and post in his own words. He said his son is thinking seriously about it. Fats
• 

  cruzanheart

  Then may I be the first to say Welcome to the board! Sparkplug hit the nail on the head as to why I posted -- it is healing to stand up and say "this happened to me and it was WRONG." It is also extremely hard to do that but there is a lightening of spirit afterward. As Chris has told me, those of us who were abused are carrying around sacks of sh** given to us by our abusers. ALL we have to do is drop the sacks and walk away, but actually doing that is very very hard.

  So, to those lurking: take a deep breath and POST. You'll feel better! On occasion you will have a contrary view, but that doesn't necessarily mean a lack of support. The beauty of this board is that it is made up of diverse personalities who finally, now that we are free from the constraints of the WTBTS, can say exactly what they think.

  Hugs,

  Nina
• 

  Big Tex

  I am going to change user name to Sysphus.

  On another thread about pedophilia, I made a somewhat impassioned and probably poorly presented case that one way to reduce the number of child rapes was by education.

  I submit the posts by Evil Force on this thread as my shining example of the stunning ignorance that must be overcome. This is the type of person who, a couple of generations ago, snickered to his buddies that the woman who was raped was asking for it. No I do not feel 'righteous anger', truly, I can't help but feel sad and more than a little pity. It's a shame that one choose to ridicule rather than help. I can't imagine what that must be like.

  I have said many times, often feeing as if I am shouting in the wind, child rape does not happen in a vacuum. Those who find children sexually attractive do give out warning signs. It is often pig-headed, ignorant and stubborn denial that allows it to fester. Many times the adult does not act out on their feelings. Many times they do. But if one wants to see the very early gestation of the steps that lead toward child rape, believe me when I say this account is a perfect example.

  Another facet of education is for those who have had the tremendous good fortune to have never had the horror of child abuse in their lives to understand, I mean really understand, is just how very, very difficult it is for a victim of abuse to step forward. In addition to tremendous levels of shame they have internally about the experience, there is a great deal of fear. Sometimes of the offender, but more often there is fear about the reaction of people like Evil Force who dismiss, excuse, deny or even ridicule their trauma. I submit that it is attitudes expressed by him in this thread only enable the problem.

  I truly hope and pray that the woman did nothing more serious to the boy.

  Further, I must apologize for getting one of the details wrong with the description that I related. It's worse than I described. I know this because the son related it to his dad.

  I'm sorry to hear that. I will say that, from my own experience, it does help to talk about what happened and that includes posting on an Internet discussion board. It can be cathartic. Verbalizing long held shame can often be like steam from a pressure cooker. The pressure goes down, bit by bit. But I would also say to post only when he's ready.

  I'm proud of you Nina. It took guts to step forward.

  Chris
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  It's worse than I described. I know this because the son related it to his dad.

  If this is true, probably the statutes of limitations have run out anyway. Confronting the mother and clearly letting her know how he feels would be an option. This is the only thing my sister and I could do with our dad: confront him. I do have a relationship with my dad and so does my sister. It's still confusing to know exactly how to feel about him. I told him that he took our father/daughter relationship and turned it into one of a sexual nature. I told him exactly how that affected my young life, right down to feeling I was not as good as other little girls whose fathers cherished and protected them.
• 

  Billygoat

  ((((Nina)))))
• 

  Lady Lee

  I can't reply to this right now but I'm all for BT's response.

  I will come back to this as soon as I can

  Emotional incest is EXACTLY what it is. More detail to follow