Parent sleeping with teenagers (page 7)

SixofNine

:To segue back to the original post, I would imagine that the request of the mother to her 15 year old son to sleep with her, as well as her rubbing up against him, went well beyond the boundaries he had been raised with hence his level of shame about it even years later.

Yeah, if things like that do damage, I think it's via two mechanisms: a) the *change* from what had been considered normal (ie: boundaries), and b) the way the person percieves society to judge the action and the people involved. Society can be a real harsh taskmaster in the odd years.

I feel an almost uncontrollable urge to pervert a John Mayer song right now, but I'm sure I'd be run out town on a rail if I did it now. Lol, I'll wait till 2006. *hums* ".... mommas don't drhmmmp yhmmmhmmm, hmmm hmmm hmm hum huuuh...."

Big Tex

At least you didn't do your Maurice Chevalier impression and break into "Thank Heaven for Little Girls".

"Could be worse. Could be raining." -- Young Frankenstein

EvilForce

SIX.....now I'll have that song in my head all evening. ACK. LOL

Obviously with the two folks lurking...my apologies if I have upset you. As I have repeatedly stated that I was merely presenting an opposing viewpoint. I retract any and all defense of this horrible, wicked, evil wench. Let's string her up. Stoning tomorrow am at 10:00.

Lady Lee

OK I'm back and this time I have read the thread. Some really great posts have been made.

A Dr. Patricia Love wrote an excellent book on Emotional incest. The Emotional Incest Syndrome http://www.webheights.net/GrowingbeyondEmotionalAbuse/plove/plei.htm It is an excellent book that discusses the issues when a parent uses a child as a substitute for adult relationships. From what has been described in the first post this would clearly fit into the description of emotional incest. When I first got the book I thought the title was inappropriate. But I soon changed my mind after reading it. Victims of abuse stay quiet. This is the nature of abuse. It has taken 20 years for this man to tell his father what happened. Sure fits the suffering in silence bit for me. That he even feels the need to talk about it after 20 years shows something was wrong at the time. I would be pretty sure he would have been too scared or uncomfortable to talk about it when it happened. Victims also seem to have an innate sense that something isn't right and at 15 yrs old it sounds like he KNEW at the time something was wrong. It would be interesting if he could ask himself (hope you are still reading and these questions are not meant to get answers from you to post here but to make you think about the reality of what happened and why it has taken so long to break your silence)

what do you think would have happened if you had told right away?
what if you had said something to her when she was doing this?
what do you think she would have done if you got up and walked out?
how did this make you feel about your mother? - then and now
how did it make you feel about your father? - then and now
what about your feelings towards your brother? - then and now
how does it make you feel about women in general?
and how does it make you feel about yourself?

Perhaps you already have some of those answers.

NOTE: The term "victim" here is used very specifically for the situation in the past. By starting to speak out this man clearly shows he is now a survivor. I am quite open about the sexual abuse I expereinced from almost every man in my life before I was 13 yrs old. But a few comments on this thread have got me remembering things.

When I was 11 I was taken away from my father due to the sexual abuse and sent to live with my mother. At the time she was living in a two bedroom apartment. And she had 5 of her own kids plus my grandmother, and my mothers 3 brothers and one sister (really long sad story) My mother and her common-law husband were sleeping in one room with my baby sister. My 3 uncles and 3 brothers all slept in the living room in sets of bunk beds. And my grandmother, aunt and I slept on a tiny sofa in the second bedroom. In this case I felt uncomfortable in bed with two other people , but some of that was the result of how I felt about my own body due to my sexual abuse and the other part was that it was just too crowded in that bed. I did not see this as abusive

(More complications here and to make a long weird story short and to the point here). When I was 16 years old I was living with my mother and again due to space restrictions I was sleeping in my mother's bed. Now I knew space was the reason why we were sharing the bed but I remember how uncomfortable and angry I felt when she would ask me to spoon her. She never did it to me. And I needed comforting so badly by that time in my life. But I knew my role was as her caretaker. I also knew to never ask for what I needed becaause then I would be told I was selfish and needy. Nothing sexual happened but that spooning thing was so uncomfortable.
Add to that was her need to have me take care of her kids, do her shopping, clean her house, wash her clothes, do the ironing, cook her meals... I knew my job in that house and was never to get my needs taken care of. This is all part of emotional abuse.

In the above case the "nudging" him from behind does add a physical and even sexual overtones to her behavior was way way way out of line.

Survivors know how to survive

lurking1

My initial reaction to the numerous posts on this subject was a desire to thank all those with positive and even supportive comments and to thank the author of the original post since I was that boy 20+ years ago just as I’m now the man who occasionally still ponders those unfortunate events of the past. Having said that, I can’t believe I allowed myself (at least temporarily) to feel horror at the more negative comments. Comments to the effect that my perceptions of those events might have been (mis)guided by my own secret fantasies or desires! It wasn’t until I reread the original post that I realized the real potential for confusion. In as much as I appreciate the kind consideration that led fatfreek to make the post, there were some things lost in translation and hence the telling of the event. So I’ll probe my recollection once more in an attempt to avoid any further ambiguity and I’ll let you be the judge.

lurking1

sorry, newbie---skip to next post

lurking1

Sorry I'm a newbie please next post

lurking1

My birth mother passed away and every since I can remember the only mother I ever knew was my step mother who had been in the picture since I was a baby. She was “mom”. If you think I had a thing for her, you’re unequivocally correct! I adored her, I admired her, I respected her, I was even proud of her. I could be wrong but I was under the impression that’s how most healthy boys and girls view their folks in functional a family. Tragically, all that good functionality came to an abrupt halt when my folks split. Had I been given the choice I would have went with my father. It seems I had a thing for him too (still do). Since my mom was the only JW parent it was decided by her that she would be the better custodian and so it went. I can’t remember one time when my brother or I slept in the same bed as my mother prior to my folk’s separation. Even when my dad was out of town on business it didn’t happen. But when my mother started asking my brother and I to bunk with her it was no big deal in my 15 year old mind. Actually I thought it was kind of a treat, sort of like camping out together or having a pajama party where you could talk till you dozed off. My mom as my friend right? What a comforting prospect at that time. I must have been in my own world! A pajama party? One problem with that notion was brother and I hadn’t worn pajamas since our diaper days. But who bothers with the details when you have such wonderfully niave notions? We didn’t see any need to sleep in anything but our undies and didn’t even own PJs. My mom slept in a PJ top and panties. I never even considered the possibility that all this was anything but innocent until I woke up one night with a stiffy and my mother was rubbing her butt against it. I was mortified and moved away so quick you would have thought somebody dropped a hot coal on my crotch. I figured she must have been dreaming even hoped she hadn’t woke up. Then there was the next time etc. and she then started making overtures in the daylight hours and eventually things bad enough I finally ran away from home (across town) in my underwear, in the dead of night and called my dad from a friendly Jw’s house. Then the whole JW congregation gave me the cold shoulder. Why? Because I moved in with DF’D dad.

Now, what I want to thank everyone for is your comments, positive and negative alike. Your postings have enforced the concept that I’m not alone. They’ve taught me I need to listen to others with the least amount of judgment and the most sensitivity possible. CHEERS

Sara Annie

Welcome, Lurking.

Try not to let those who have judged your story harshly get to you, there is always someone out there ready to willfully misunderstand or judge a situation in the name of devil's advocacy.

I am sorry that the mother you loved betrayed your trust the way she did. I hope that you have found, and will continue to find, some peace with distance and time.

Lady Lee

lurking1

I'm so glad you found the strength to post on your own. I guarantee it gets easier. Abuse histories are always hard to relate and here you are doing it to a group of strangers.

Seems you answered some of those questions I posted earlier. People with only half the facts are often the quickest to pass judgement. Stand tall. You did the right thing back then. Wow I don't know many who would have run for safety as you did. AND WHAT A SHAME THAT THE CONG CHOSE TO PENALIZE YOU FOR IT. But sadly not a surprise to many of us here.

You are perfectly right that as a child you should have thought well, even highly, of your mother. Too bad she didn't live up to it though. If you haven't done it try looking for a book called Victims No Longer by Lew. It is for males who were abused and presents an appropriate perspective of the issues men confront when dealing with this kind of abuse. My website (click on my name and go to my profile) is about abuse - mostly women but a lot of the information is useful regardless of gender

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Parent sleeping with teenagers

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