Parent sleeping with teenagers (page 6)

Sara Annie

You said "That the boy felt uncomfortable, and that a personal boundary was crossed is without question." - No it IS in question. Just because someone FEELS uncomfortable doesn't mean anything inappropriate happened. I feel uncomfortable when I see a man and a woman make out. Does it make it wrong? No.

Invalid example. Watching to people making out is not something that you are involved in, it is merely something you witness. But the boy in this case did not 'witness' behavior he felt was inappropriate, he was the direct recipient of such behavior.

I can watch my parents snuggling in bed and know that, no matter whether it 'bothers' me or not, nothing inappropriate in the least is happening. But if my mother was suddenly absent, and my father requested that I take her place and snuggle with him at night, that crosses the line--it is not my job as a child to replace the emotional or physcial void that my mother's absence has created in my father's life.

No one is disputing that parental affection and contact is a wonderful, natural experience to have with your children. No one is disputing that spousal affection and phsyical contact is a fantastic, natural experience to share with the one you love. It when that line becomes blurred, when an aspect of emotional intimacy with one's spouse is shifted onto one's children, that we don't get to simply say "Well, no one's genitals were involved" and summarily dismiss the resulting discomfort.

Big Tex

Thanks Lee. You're a godsend to this board.

Chris

cruzanheart

It when that line becomes blurred, when an aspect of emotional intimacy with one's spouse is shifted onto one's children, that we don't get to simply say "Well, no one's genitals were involved" and summarily dismiss the resulting discomfort.

Beautifully put, SaraAnnie. At least once in my life my mother accused me of trying to break up her marriage, when I did nothing at all. That's just plain creepy.

As for my mother, her view of sex was seriously warped. She decided when I was born that she was going to educate me better than she was -- she didn't know what her period was when she got it and was really scared. Well, she went a little too far in the other direction, to the point of making my dad stand naked in front of me -- I was 4 or 5 -- so she could show me what a man's genitals looked like. Even at that young age, I felt VERY uncomfortable about it.

Nina

Billygoat

As for my mother, her view of sex was seriously warped. She decided when I was born that she was going to educate me better than she was -- she didn't know what her period was when she got it and was really scared. Well, she went a little too far in the other direction, to the point of making my dad stand naked in front of me -- I was 4 or 5 -- so she could show me what a man's genitals looked like. Even at that young age, I felt VERY uncomfortable about it.

Nina,

Two things your comments reminded me of:

When my father married my step-mom, I was almost ten. She too was like your mom and didn't realize what a period was when it came. So when I started my period, mom and I had "The Talk". I don't remember being embarrassed about discussing it, but mostly curious and excited. Excited because I felt like I was a woman now too. So I listened raptly and stared at the pictures in the encyclopedia mom had. But then she took me to the bathroom and proceeded to sit on the toilet and show me her genitalia. I remember even as a 10 year old, feeling like a line had been crossed. This was no longer a fun discussion. It scared me.

Also, in an effort to make sure us kids understood the human body was "natural" and that there was nothing to be embarrassed about, both of my parents would walk around the home naked. Not all the time, but often enough to make a very uncomfortable impression on me. But seeing them nude, actually did the opposite of what their intention was to accomplish. To this day, being nude does not feel "natural" to me, it makes me very uncomfortable...even in front of my husband in the appropriate environment.

I think in an effort to do the opposite of what their parents did, our parents took it to the extreme, which just made it worse. How on earth, do I not do the same thing and scar my own child??? Things like this really make me question my ability to raise a healthy child. Have you had "The Talk" with Jennie yet? How did/do you handle it?

Andi

SixofNine

Just curious what you guys who felt uncomfortable with nudity in your own families, thought (when you were a kid) about tribal pictures you saw in National Geographic, and what do you think now?

Billygoat

Just curious what you guys who felt uncomfortable with nudity in your own families, thought (when you were a kid) about tribal pictures you saw in National Geographic, and what do you think now?

I guess it didn't/doesn't bother me. It's not my father in those tribal photos.

Big Tex

Now both of these women said nothing else ever happened. Both of these woemn told me these things when they were in there thirties, in private, with shame and confusion in their voices. It was something they didn't tell just anybody. It was something that affected them in their adult lives. They both loved their fathers, but they felt used and betrayed.

Then it was abusive. If an experience causes this level of feeling, it is abuse; on the milder end perhaps but still nonetheless abusive.

Having said that there is not necessarily the need to scream for the law or even "make a big deal" with every instance of abuse. With an adult survivor the priority should be on recovery, and healing the damage done. In the case of your friends sphere, it would help them tremendously to have their feelings validated and a safe place/people to talk to. I'm glad you were there to listen to them. Often simply having someone to talk to, especially about an isolated instance, does a world of good.

Chris

Big Tex

Just curious what you guys who felt uncomfortable with nudity in your own families, thought (when you were a kid) about tribal pictures you saw in National Geographic

My parents always left their bedroom wide open while they dressed. I learned quickly not to look.

National Geographic? Didn't see it much when I was a kid, but the handful of times I did, it didn't bother me at all.

and what do you think now?

Same thing. I'm not bothered by nudity. When Jennie was little (2 or 3) and we had friends over, she would invariably get ready for bed by walking to the middle of the living room, stripping totally and then putting on her nightgown. (she would do so because she didn't want to miss anything; makes sense to me). Nina and I consistently and kindly taught her about what we feel are appropriate boundaries so that she no longer did that.

Now I'll tell something on me. A few weeks ago, as Nina and I were getting up (at 6:00 am) I was getting ready for my shower. I was in the middle of the latest Harry Potter book and I remember I had left it in the living room, and my memory being as bad as it is, I went out to get it while I thought of it. Well my 11 year old daughter was sitting on the sofa in our living (in the dark) which I didn't notice as I stumbled out, barely awake and squinty eyed. Needless to say I beat an immediate retreat without the book.

I think nudity can be handled within the family. I've spoken to some who raised their family with the idea it was okay to walk around nude and the children are okay with it. So I suppose it is possible. It's not something I feel comfortable with, so I choose to raise my chidren with a different boundary.

To segue back to the original post, I would imagine that the request of the mother to her 15 year old son to sleep with her, as well as her rubbing up against him, went well beyond the boundaries he had been raised with hence his level of shame about it even years later.

Have you had "The Talk" with Jennie yet? How did/do you handle it?

Andi With both she and Jackson we answered their questions about sex and about their body as they grew up. We started with babies came from the Mommy's tummy and left it at that until they brought it up again. We simply answered questions, and eventually they got the fleshed out story (i.e. daddys put the seed in the mommy's tummy and the baby comes out the vagina). As they got older we got more detailed until the day came when Jennie stopped me from answering a question (gosh I can't remember it now) so I asked Nina to talk to her in private. Jennie seems to prefer that, and I'm okay with it. She's reached the age where sex and body parts are a little embarassing so when I'm talking with Jackson, I'll pause and tell her I'm going "to get detailed" and she can decide if she wants to stick around and listen or not. I let her choose while answering a question to her brother in an open, frank way. That way she's in control of what she feels comfortable with. Chris

joelbear

Yeah, comfort with nudity differs wildly throughout the population.

I love nude beaches. I think that bothers my mother more than

that I am gay.

cruzanheart

And it's kind of funny that, when Jennie was younger it didn't bother her to see me and Chris hugging and kissing (not making out, just being affectionate) in front of them -- she'd tell Jackson we were having a "tender moment." NOW she gets embarrassed! I think it's because she's becoming aware of sexual feelings and I think it's normal for kids to not want to think of "sex" and "parents" in the same sentence or thought. Too icky!

Actually, I was fascinated by National Geographic and pondered almightily about how one tribe of indiginous Brazilians were able to tie up their scrotums with palm fronds. Sounded painful and the picture didn't really show enough for my 10-year-old female brain to comprehend how they did it, or why.

Nina

Parent sleeping with teenagers

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